On mutual infidelity

While I was on vacation with my friends I cheated on my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and fooled around with a guy I met. I came clean and he forgave me, but a week ago, he told me that after I confessed, he made out with a girl at a party. I feel like I don’t have the right to be mad, is that true? Are we even now? Do I have to forgive him because he forgave me?


It sounds as though he made out with this girl as a deliberate and direct act of retaliation to your infidelity, and if he felt the need to retaliate, then he never really forgave you. He may have said the words, but it wasn’t actual forgiveness.

You have a right to be mad because you are entitled to your emotions, and you don’t have to forgive him, even if he did forgive you (which he clearly didn’t.)

Still, you’ve both fucked up now. It’s not that you’re even, but in a way, a certain kind of balance has been restored. You’re both hurt and you’re both mad, but at least you’re both in the same boat. I think it’s probably best for both of you to really and truly forgive one another.

It’s okay if you’re both still low-key mad at each other, but you should talk openly about any anger or resentment so that it doesn’t build up and detonate your relationship.

You should also start talking openly and honestly because neither of you trusts the other anymore. That’s the worst part of all of this, and it’s the part that’s gonna keep gnawing at you, so if you can’t handle open and honest communication, consider ending things now, because this mutual infidelity is either gonna bring you two closer together, or a lack of trust will be the slow poison that kills your relationship.


2 thoughts on “On mutual infidelity

  1. Kast says:

    This happened to me in reverse . When I found out my boyfriend was courting someone else, I didn’t break up I just flirted with another person. We bothered hated our guts and were torn by jealousy but acted the innocent. When we broke up, we both slept with our flirt, and weren’t discreet about it in a sadistic “see i’m over you”manner.
    These things can destroy you, not just your relationship, you when you dont voice them. It’s only when I started screaming at him in rage and despair and him back at me that it started to go. But you have to voice it, dont try to act like a saint and forgive him right away,or it will be like an inside infection even if you break up.

  2. JustThisGirl says:

    100% true. My marriage just ended because we never dealt with my infidelity as a couple. I went to therapy, I changed my behaviors, and I managed to stay faithful until he started taking out the anger he hadn’t dealt with on me in other ways, years later. Find a good therapist, preferably one that specializes in infidelity, and start talking now. It hurts like hell to acknowledge the loss of trust, but better now than when it’s too late to save the relationship.

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