Best-Of Advice

On not being sold

Why such an aggressive, “tough shit” approach to giving advice?

Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to be writing copy for eHarmony? Are you reading from a box of Wheaties? Is this all just a media tie-in for the latest indie romantic comedy?

No, asshole. I’m not selling anything. Natalie Portman doesn’t play me in the movie. I’m not a manic pixie dream girl or a marketing strategy.

My “tough shit” approach is the sound your friends would make if they could shoot straight with you, and I don’t even think you know the meaning of the word aggressive.

Advertising is aggressive. Lifestyle branding is aggressive. The parking enforcement bureau is aggressive.

Hell, I’m not pushing anything. I’m not even selling t-shirts. This is a hobby. All I’m doing is answering questions with as much brutal honesty as I can muster at any particular hour, and on more than one occasion while I’m absolutely wasted.

Don’t get all snippy with me because I don’t strap on knee pads and cup your balls and lull you into a fugue state.

Your cock is huge, by the way. You should probably buy those XL condoms.


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