Best-Of Advice

On jealousy

There is this girl I grew up with who is what society would deem “perfect”. She is smart, beautiful, and talented. She has an equally smart, beautiful, and talented boyfriend. She has a family that is so fucking put together, supportive, kind, and radically different from my own it makes me want to explode.

We have similar enough interests that it feels like anything I do, she can do infinitely better. She was born into better, and just simply was granted better genes. With this, a horrible jealousy emerges. I guess my question is, how do you deal with these seemingly perfect people?

I usually have sex with them.

That is to say, I enjoy them. Smart, beautiful, and talented people are fucking awesome. Why be jealous? Besides, I guarantee your girl is just as fucked up as everybody else.

Listen, you weren’t born the Princess of Monaco, nor were you born in a refugee camp in Darfur. You’re in the fucking middle. We all are. On any given day, there are millions of people who’ve got one up on you, and there are millions of people who’d trade places with you in an instant.

Same goes for little miss perfect, by the way. You think she shits frozen yogurt and has a pet unicorn, but look at her with some distance and she’s just another middle-of-the-road, middle-class girl from Middle America.

Perfection is bullshit, especially with our half-retarded species. If she’s a cool chick, just be her friend and leave jealousy for the bitter kids to play with.


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