I’ve realized that my insecurities have made me selfish, and in turn, I’ve lost the person I love.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I’ve had 2 failed long term relationships, one with a girl the other with a guy. The time for college experimentation is up I guess, and I feel like the only result I’ve achieved is putting myself in a sexuality headlock. I’m a smart guy, but I work off of flawed logic. For example:
I am too intimidated to be with girls and to ashamed to with guys, my gut instinct is to embrace lonliness and cut my losses.
They say sexuality works on a specturm, but does it account for cowardice?
Please kick me in the ass hard enough to break my apathy.
-Lost in my own preconceptions
This is painful to read.
You’ve got a lot of intelligence, a little bit of self-awareness, and absolutely no spine. That’s a recipe for a fucking James Joyce novel, not a life.
Shame and intimidation are de rigueur in the post-modern mating ritual, so worry less about that and more about your tendency to overthink everything.
For instance, I sincerely doubt that your gut instinct is telling you to embrace loneliness and cut your losses. That conclusion requires a high degree of rational logic, which makes it a product of your spinning mind rather than your gut, regardless of whether it’s emotional in nature.
If you really consulted your gut instinct, it would probably render a primal, short-term solution. Something along the lines of, “go get shitfaced and fuck the first person that makes extended eye contact.”
Not a bad idea in your case.