There are people who live by the script. They don’t really question it; they play the game they were born into and that’s enough for them. Then there are those who see the game for what it is, and they try to change it to suit their needs. They define what happiness and success is for them and seek it out. And then there are those who can’t get past the inherent bullshit that we as a society need any kind of game, and they say fuck it. They refuse to play.
I think I’m in the second category. My ex is in the third. A part of me admires him for what others see as laziness but what I see as rebellion. It’s over, and it’s never going to get better. At the end of the day, I need someone who also self identifies as being in the third category. I need a partner who will stand up and fight with me. So I finally got closure on this previous relationship, because that was never going to be him. My question I guess is whether you see him as brave or selfish? Or is it a bit of both, and my friends and I are both right? I can’t get past their dismissive disdain for someone that I still care about – and whose principles I ultimately agree with.
Yeah, your ex is just a lazy piece of shit, and even though the relationship is over, you’re still kind of romanticizing the fact that he’s a loser. That’s fine. You’re in the middle of a post-breakup emotional autopsy, and it’s perfectly normal to be picking apart your feelings on shit like this.
The reason that you can’t get past the dismissive disdain from your friends (even though deep down you already agree with them) is that you’re taking it personally. You feel like they’re somehow being critical of you. They’re not. At most, they’re being critical of your romantic choices.
The problem is you’re not ready to admit that you’re mad at yourself for being with this guy. You’re not ready to admit he’s a loser. Don’t worry. You’ll get there eventually. Trust me, in a year or two, you’ll look back and realize that your friends were right. You’ll realize that he wasn’t the one with principles — you were — and he just knew how to turn your principles into bullshit excuses.
(Again, it will take some time for you to fully internalize it, but one of the most important lessons you can take away from this relationship is that there’s a difference between having principles and making excuses.)