A year and a half ago, I moved to Berlin. I had been out of high school for four days and decided to delay higher education at a school I had no interest in attending in order to take drugs, dance, and sleep around. I was supposed to go back to New York in August, but decided to stay here instead, in large part because I fell ridiculously in love.

My parents weren’t pleased, but I told them I’d apply to schools in Europe and figure something out. (I want to study chemistry and synthesize drugs like Alexander Shulgin, or just be able to make LSD.) I applied to a bunch of schools in the UK as a backup plan, incase things don’t work out here in Berlin. Here’s the thing: I was accepted to two schools, and today found out that I was invited to interview at Oxford.

That’s kind of a big deal? I don’t know. I don’t really want to go, as I have no intention of attending even if I am admitted (yeah, I’m stupid and 19 and in love and want to stay in Berlin with my boyfriend – but I would want to stay in Berlin even if he wasn’t here) but I made the mistake of telling my parents that I had been invited and they want me to go. And I don’t know what to do. That’s $200 worth of flights that could be better spent on ketamine. Help me, Coke Talk?

Don’t be an asshole.

Fly to England. Interview at Oxford. Take it seriously. You can be young and in love, but you don’t get to be stupid. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Grow the fuck up for just one second. You’re making major life decisions while blinded by an international case of summer love. Not cool.

I love ketamine as much as the next party girl, but get your priorities straight. Who the fuck buys drugs instead of a ticket to a golden future? Dumb bitches and crack whores, that’s who.

Don’t be one.