I’m a young woman in my second year of university, and I consider my life fantastic. I’m more than content with my friends, my family, my studies, my drugs, my music. I’ve had shades of depression and rough patches over the years, but these days I’m just generally content. Except for the fact that I can’t have sex.
I lost my virginity at an EXTREMELY young age (you can count it on two hands) and I’m only now coming to realize what an impact that’s had on me. For years I just accepted it as part of me and didn’t think much of it. But now I’ve come to a point where I’m terrified of sexual intimacy, where I’ve tried to be intimate many times and pushed so many people away because of my fear of vulnerability. I’ve tried to be sexually intimate with close friends and complete strangers, and everything in between, but to no avail. I just freeze.
I’m so embarrassed, as I’m seen as such an accomplished and intelligent and interesting woman to all who know me (forgive the lack of humility.) I think I’m a great person, but then I see myself as defective when I think about my non-existent sex life. I’m just so lost and upset. What on earth can I do?
You’re not defective. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. There’s not much else I can say other than keep processing that shit, girl.
If you can, find a good therapist who can help you navigate your childhood sexual abuse. If therapy isn’t available, take your time and recognize that your “freezing” is a coping mechanism employed in response to the abnormal, traumatic shit that happened to you. No shame. It’s just a leftover emotional response that you have to deal with.
Like any traumatic experience, if you don’t move through it, it’s gonna keep affecting your present day relationships. Just pay attention to yourself. Start recognizing the little details about sex that trigger the fear and terror. Bring it into your conscious mind and analyze it. That’s what I mean when I say process it. Bring it up. Stare it down. Talk it out.
Don’t worry. You’ll beat it. You’re a badass. Just put in the time and effort, and one day, it will have been worth it.