Advice

On pumping your fuck brakes

Being told that the reason men leave is because I sleep with them fairly quickly. A therapist told me to wait months before fucking. It’s the hardest thing I have never done. I just want to know what you think because you’re smarter and funnier.

 

God, I hate this myth, that a woman’s value as a long-term partner is arbitrarily determined by whatever length of time she waits to have sex. It’s nothing more than an outmoded, patriarchal notion of sexual virtue, and it is so fucking gross.

Men do not stay or leave based upon when you sleep with them. They stay or leave based upon their phase of life, their emotional availability, and how much they’re into you. You’re probably dating immature, emotionally unavailable men who run for the hills regardless of how much they’re into you. Waiting to fuck them would only delay the inevitable.

If your therapist is telling you to pump your fuck brakes, she’s either a shitty therapist or she recognizes that you’re the type whose judgment gets cloudy once you let a dude cum inside you. I don’t know what your deal is, so I can’t say for sure. Maybe ask your therapist. If she says something moralistic about sex, fire her on the spot. If she expresses concern about your dating patterns and the type of men you consistently choose, maybe listen.

Even if you have legitimate reasons for changing up your fuck patterns, that still doesn’t mean that men are leaving you because you sleep with them quickly. There may be a correlation between the speeds at which you’re having sex and getting dumped, but that doesn’t imply causation.

Again, this is more about the type of men you’re choosing to fuck, not how quickly you’re choosing to fuck them. Honestly, I doubt that men leaving you is even the underlying problem. After all, you want the wrong men to leave you. That’s a good thing. The problem is likely that you’re a crush-junkie who mistakes big swoony emotions for good judgement.

If you want a long-term relationship, be more discerning. Learn how to spot maturity and emotional availability in men, and place more importance on a relationship’s health than its length.

 

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21 thoughts on “On pumping your fuck brakes

  1. John says:

    My wife and I fucked on our 2nd date, 32 years ago. I had a girlfriend for 2 years that didn’t fuck for the first 3 weeks of dating It’s not about that.

  2. Chris says:

    I didn’t consider my wife to even be my girlfriend our first time. 15 years later, I think we’ll be okay.

    Contrarily, I’d always waited with previous partners.

  3. Huh says:

    Don’t fuck on the first date. If it’s a traditional date where you two are basically strangers getting to know each other for the first time, and you’re serious about forming a relationship, then you don’t need to introduce that component on day 1.

    Beyond that scenario, it doesn’t matter. (Just my opinion).

    • Pears says:

      If a man views fucking on the first date and being “serious about forming a relationship” as mutually exclusive, that’s between him and his Madonna-whore complex.

      • Huh says:

        You’re there to meet each other on a date. And get to know each other, as two adults who’ve acknowledged you want companionship of some sort in your life. Of course there should be zero expectations, since you don’t know the person at all. That’s a given. I just think fucking on the first date shows a lack of depth and character. What’s the rush? How is it beneficial in any way shape or form?

        And I’ve fucked people I’ve met that same day, but to my original point, it wasn’t during a first date where we are sitting down as strangers somewhere, with intention to get to know eachother, and engaging in a conversation that might last hours.

        I completely agree there should never be expectations of somebody else when dating. We all know strong relationships form organically over time or seemingly fizzle out and don’t.

        All I know is my mindset brought me to a good place, with a great person. And I don’t think this person would be the person they are if they fucked on the very first date in the situation I’m talking about.

        Fuck on the second date. How about that? You need to fuck? Fuck on the second date.

        Plus making out with somebody new in the beginning is practically like fucking. The excitement alone. For fuck sake. Pull it together for one night in that situation. Pretend that Daddy loves you.

        I mean whatever though, fuck away, fuck in you car,ultimately do you, it’s just my opinion, man.

        • flblbl says:

          i mean, sex is a group activity that can bring a lot of fun, intimacy, fulfillment and knowledge of the other to all parties involved. to be clear, i don’t think fucking on the first date is necessary, just like i don’t think fucking is necessary to a relationship at all (there are many other good couple activities out there, after all). if you can’t fathom building a relationship with someone you fucked the first time you met them… clearly you can find someone like you out there (i know the type), but ultimately it says more about your own relationship to having sex than it says about the act itself. and clearly, mystifying sexual encounters is more unhealthy than fucking on the first date from time to time, as internalized as it can be of a mechanism.

        • Ultraslut says:

          I had sex with my ex boyfriend after our first date, where we talked for several hours and made out in a park. I didn’t have any set expectations (I thought I just wanted something casual at the time), but it rapidly turned in a pretty serious year long relationship. There was no rush–we just fucking wanted to. It was beneficial because we had a great time. No respect for each other was lost because we are all adults here. No one in the relationship had daddy issues, and it’s gross for you to suggest that anyone who has sex quickly must have daddy issues.

          • Huh says:

            Is what it is, ultimately I think people should do what they want, I don’t give a fuck outside this thread. Fuck who you want when you want long as it’s consensual. The daddy issues remark was more of a cliche jab for my amusement and to ruffle sensitive feathers. My draw to this forum is Coke, (even though she strikes gold way less than she used to). I comment on occasion. It might be exaggerated. It might not be. Without me the comments section is a polluted echo chamber. I’m a full grown tree of wisdom. Here to cleanse the air.

            Anyway, don’t stop meeting and immediately fuckin’! Cheers!

  4. TeamSalamander says:

    Crush junkies! Such a hard habit to reform. Remember a woman’s mystery (I’m an equal opprtunity dater, so believe me, your mystery can disarm ghosts, hounds, and other beasties) and let go of expectations.

  5. Q says:

    There are no hard and fast universal rules about fucking on the first date, or what ultimately leads to a relationship. My fiance and I were casual acquaintances, and I had no intention of getting serious with him when we fucked on our first date. But the sex was good enough for me to see him again, and it turned out we had a deeper connection than I thought we would. The connection would have been there whether we had waited or not, but it’s possible I wouldnt have seen him a second time if the first hadn’t been so fun.

  6. Jules the 3rd says:

    I got the advice ‘don’t sleep with them so soon’ too. I decided no, it was important to me to be with a man who matched me on sexual attitudes. I met this guy, we fucked on the second date, we’ve been together 20+ years now. He makes a great spanikopita, and is a very good dad. He’s not perfect, but he’s right for me.

  7. Lit says:

    What a load of bullshit. Who waits months ? Who has ever waited months ? You aren’t a fucking teenager. Is your therapist a nun ?
    I don’t think I’ve ever had a second date in my adult life with someone I didn’t fuck on the first. I actually find men become more clingy (like they want pillow talk, cuddling, to go to diner) after we sleep together. Hormones I guess ? Or maybe internalized guilt. Whatever.
    Oh and like other people here, I slept with my ex way before we decided to be in a serious relationship, which lasted for several years.

      • Lit says:

        I wasn’t sexually active in high school, but there were other girls who were. At the time, I found the slut-shaming despicable and disgusting, but I didn’t have the courage to speak out against in a loud voice, and didn’t want to become a target either.
        It’s such a toxic environment, if I had teenage girls I’d advise them to wait to the end of high school, or until they’re in a stable relationship.
        It’s such a shame that as a society we haven’t been able to provide a better environment to develop relationships as well as better sex ed to our kids.

  8. Shell says:

    I am over 50 and I always wanted to WAIT until there was an emotional connection before having sex. So that I could decide if I wanted to keep seeing the guy or not. Having something to look forward to is always wonderful. With young people that just jump right into the sex they are missing out on all that sweet anticipation..all the longing..the yearning.
    For me, all that made the sex, when it finally happened, so much better. A long slow build up was always what I liked.

  9. Me says:

    The one legitimate negative I’ve seen to sleeping together quickly is sometimes sexual aspect of the relationship becomes dominant early and you fail to develop in other ways even where that might have been possible. I say fuck when you’re ready, whenver that is.

    • Chris says:

      When online dating first became a thing I hadn’t done it, but thought it was good because you were talking before meeting. I remember some guy told me that’s how he met his wife (when it was still loaded with stigma), and I mentioned that aspect, and he really perked up, saying that they had talked for weeks before meeting, and it was great.

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