On recognizing the pattern.

I am in a very confusing situation. You’re the only one who can figure this out. I’m 33 years old and met an older man (45) through my study group 2 years ago. We are in the same profession and this group meets once a month. Over time, we slowly became really good friends and then a year later, I ended up in his bed.

He initially had lied about not having a girlfriend (when we met) but then came clean while I was naked in bed with him. He then refused to go all the way after the confession but would not let me leave either and told me that he really likes me and doesn’t want to ever lose me.

Since that incident, we have remained friends but certainly not as close. We are both attracted to each other and there is a ton of sexual tension. He continues to tells me that I’m the only person he has chemistry with right now but refuses to take things further. We engage in occasional phone/text sex and whenever we do hang out as friends, he can’t seem to control himself and always ends up kissing me but then stops himself and it becomes really awkward. I don’t try to stop him either and sometimes I’m even guilty of giving him the green light.

I feel badly about his girlfriend situation but I feel like I’m not doing anything wrong. He’s a great guy and I’d love to have him as a friend and maybe more but I don’t know what is going on in his head. He refuses to address his relationship situation and claims it is very complicated and he’s stuck with no way out, yet he won’t marry the woman or leave her either (they have been together for 10 years). As for me, I’m not exactly sure what I want either. I would open to a friends with benefit situation and possibly more but I need to know where he stands and what’s really going on in his head. Are we just incompatible friends? Should I end the friendship and walk away? Do I love him and I’m lying to myself? Please help!

You’re thirty-three. You should know better.

This was a long, drawn out courtship masked as a friendship, and I’m sure it fits in nicely with your paradigm of falling for emotionally unavailable men and then getting tied up for years at a time in what you call relationships, but what are really massive exercises in getting daddy to love you. It’s your pattern, and you know it.

Sorry to be dropping nuclear truth bombs, but you’re a big girl. You can handle it.

Sure, you’re mature enough to compartmentalize this current situation into a halfway healthy friendship, but don’t you dare let it cripple you romantically.

Go find someone else to love, someone emotionally available.

You’re fucking worth it.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *