On respect.

I’ve been dating this guy for a substantial (for me at least) amount of time, but still under a year. It’s my longest relationship. We sometimes have fights, but it’s always been something I can trace back to miscommunication, until a few nights ago.

I don’t want to get into details, but  I’ll lay it out for you like this: He made a “joke” about beating me. As in smacking me. I can handle a good joke, and this wasn’t one. It was completely irrelevant and was very random. To be honest, it scared me. I didn’t say anything at first. I suppose I was shocked. Finally, just a bit later, I straight up asked why he would say such a thing. He apologized and ended up promising me he would never hurt me and how he wants me to trust him. I’m an avid believer in trusting as much as you can from the beginning before someone proves themselves to not be worthy of trust, now I’m not so sure. The feeling this incident gave me is straight up fear.

That same night, we got into a bigger fight and I told him “It’s over.” When he repeatedly asked/screamed what was over I finally said “Everything.” He began to leave in a rush, but I ran after him crying, begging him to stay, which is not something I have ever done. I felt like I lost control. I value my pride, but in that moment I knew I didn’t want him to leave. He stayed.

We are now on good terms again, but something is still sending negative signals. I’m not sure if I’m PMSing, but everything he does/says annoys the shit out of me. He has always had a sarcastic sense of humor, and sometimes I DID find it funny, but now I can’t even muster up a fake laugh. His “jokes” don’t seem clever and I just want to scream. Also, it’s come to my attention that he over thinks everything that comes out of his mouth and it seems to suck away any genuineness. I am the opposite and say what’s on my mind with little thought. (Sometimes this is a problem.)

He is a good Southern guy and doesn’t drink or have any vices… from what I know so far. Deep down I believe everyone has a big dark secret, and it sort of bothers me I haven’t found his. He APPEARS perfect and smart and has a perfect little family.

I have sort of molded myself to be what I think he wants because I admire him and want to make him happy, which would therefore make me happy. I completely cut out drinking, partly for my own health, partly because he doesn’t. (I rarely did before him though.) I have tried to cut out my cursing partly for my own sake and partly because I know he doesn’t like it. After this fight, I’m suddenly texting my best friend and making plans to snag a fake ID as if I’m rebelling.

What do you make of this situation? It makes me very sad to think that him saying ONE thing can destroy everything we have built. I was, for the most part, very happy with him.

This is all about respect. His for you, yours for him, and especially yours for yourself. Respect. It’s what he never had for you in the first place. It’s what you gave to him much too easily. It’s what you lost for yourself when you begged him to stay that night.

Respect. You deserve it, and your inner-bitch demands it. It’s the source of those negative signals. The reason he’s starting to annoy you is because you’re finally noticing the imbalance of respect in the relationship and you resent it.

There’s another problem here as well, a much bigger one in the grand scheme of things. You’re very young, still chasing down fake ID’s, and you haven’t learned the ugly lesson that molding yourself to be what you think he wants is an easy road to making your life miserable.

Don’t base your happiness on his happiness, and whatever you do, don’t change yourself for his sake. Quite frankly, if he demands that you put on a fake smile when you’d rather drop an f-bomb and have a beer, then fuck his happiness.

I’m also from the south. There’s no such thing as a good southern man without any vices. If he doesn’t drink or cuss, then he’s either a baptist half-wit or a complete asshole. Either way, life sucks if you’re his date. Plus on top of all this, now he’s making jokes about beating you? Right. At this point, you’re basically dating a cop.

I’m guessing that if you took the time to write someone like me, it means your inner-bitch is doing her best to claw her way out and tell this prick to go fuck himself. Go ahead. Do it.

Get your self-respect back. It’s worth a hell of a lot more than any man.


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