My ex has hurt and raped women, myself included. I cut him out of my life, but I can’t get rid of the guilt. I feel responsible for what he did (and probably continues to do) to these women. I know that I’m not, but I feel like I am. I’m in therapy. I’m working on it. It’s just so hard.
I guess I don’t really have a question. I just want to know if this is going to get easier. I don’t think there’s an answer to that. This is kind of like screaming into nothing. I don’t need a response. I just want to write the words and have them disappear.
This is going to get easier. You will feel it one day.
You will forgive yourself.
6 thoughts on “On screaming into nothing”
I dated a guy in high school who was the kind of person who enjoyed the suffering of others (in my opinion, he fit the diagnostic criteria for antisocial personality disorder) and did some pretty bad stuff. It does get better, and you will stop blaming yourself. Just don’t fall into the trap of dating with the mindset “he’s better than my ex, so I might as well.” That got me into a couple more bad relationships. Date people who make you happy and make you feel good about yourself and make life better.
Recovery is the ultimate victory.
If you feel that guilty that he might be continuing to do it to other women, why don’t you do something about it?
I’m sorry if this sounds blunt….in my opinion, there should be no guilt that he’s actually acting this way (since you can’t control his actions), but what you can control is reporting it so that there’s awareness around (and possibly legal consequences for) his behaviour.
If there is a rabid dog on a road that you’ve just passed, isn’t there some sort of obligation to others to inform them that the dog is there and that the road is not safe to pass? Or is that a bad analogy?
(I really apologize if this is being insensitive of me, I’ve never gone through something like this so I can’t even begin to understand what it must be like, and I’m so sorry that it happened to you)
The analogy doesn’t work because people will look at a rabid dog and see a rabid dog. No one’s culturally conditioned to assume you’re a liar when you say the dog is rabid, and the rabid dog can’t convince other people that it’s not rabid. No one will blame you for the dog’s rabies or defame you for outing it as rabid.
There are many reasons victims of abuse choose not to report their abusers, either to friends or to the authorities.
While well-intentioned, friends can often make the victim feel worse for not being able to “Just Leave” – for a great blog entry about this, go here: http://selfcareafterrape.tumblr.com/post/133381229765/joann-tries-to-hide-the-bruises-but-its-really
It can be as simple as being afraid to upset your family or social circle, which are still powerful motivators for many people.
As for legal recourse, many victims are afraid of reprisal by their abusers, feel the authorities are powerless to help them, or are afraid of being further victimized by the authorities themselves.
Twelve years later, and I swear to upon the mighty universe, it gets so much better.