Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I first learned about you three years ago and back then I was a hardcore Republican. Now I’m basically a socialist hippie. What have you done to me?
I’ve sharpened your critical thinking skills while helping you become less selfish.

Thoughts on the Daniel Holtzclaw verdict?
I watched that shit live. Sweet, sweet justice. (And it felt deeply satisfying to see an all-white jury in Oklahoma convict a police officer of crimes against black women.)

Please help me articulate why “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” and “religions don’t kill people, people kill people” are not the same thing.
They are the same thing, both thought terminating clichés, equally vacuous and without meaning. The larger point is that when it comes to killing people, guns are too often the method, and religion is too often the justification.

Why was I so annoyed when my roommate said that I “don’t need to worry about getting raped because I’m an Indian girl”, as oppose to blonde and white like her?
Your roommate is a racist cunt. Feel free to tell her I said so.

I worked at a shitty job for 8 months, they made my life hell just so they could get me to leave. My unemployment is almost done, why do I keep obsessing over their social media accounts and why can’t I move on?
Because you’re young and entitled and you’re not used to having your ass kicked.

’tis the season for giving and I’ve finally realized there are much more needy people than my family and friends. Where would you send your money to do the most good?
Planned Parenthood.

What’s your crush like? The person, I mean.
Tall and strong with beautiful eyes. Funny and kind. Still in love with somebody else.


45 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Molly says:

    Wow. The description of your crush was some of the most beautiful poetry I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for that, Coquette!!

  2. Amanda says:

    Donating to Planned Parenthood is awesome. I also recommend checking out You can grant a wish for a child in foster care, and there are a lot of different wishes with different price ranges.

  3. Anonymous Poster says:

    I seriously hope the judge in the Holtzclaw case sentences that rat bastard to consecutive sentences. Fucker deserves that much time.

  4. J Lynn says:

    Wow, that roommate’s comment is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while, at least the dumbest thing not coming from a Republican prez candidate. She seems to think that a) rape is primarily motivated by sexual desire rather than a desire to wield power and abuse, b) that an Indian woman is less sexually desirable than she is. Ugh!! Not only offensively racist, but disturbingly ignorant about the nature of rape and its occurrence in populations. Specifically that rapists rape and sexually abuse people (mostly, but not only, women and children) of all appearances, races, ages, circumstances, etc. Unfortunately no one is guaranteed “safe” from the crime of rape. This should be so well known and obvious that I can’t believe I’m typing it, but I guess there are morons like the OP’s roommate who still walk among us.

  5. chris says:

    My favorite response to “guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” is something Eddie Izzard said.

    “Yeah, but I think the guns help.”

  6. Bee says:

    There was something thoroughly delicious about watching that rapist cry like a baby after showing no remorse for his actions towards his victims.

    • definitely not batman says:

      I know this has nothing to do with anything, but Clooney always seemed fishy to me. Yeah he’s charming and funny and charismatic etc but in a kind of a hollow, ominous way. That’s always been my impression anyway. Like he’s the type of person we’re gonna be reading some disturbing shit about years down the line.

      • Perspectivator says:

        That would be contrary to everything I’ve read. But okay.
        The guy who I have that feeling about is Louis C.K.

        I suspect Clooney is just a tad old for The Coquette’s crush, but justifiably possible.

      • Nina says:

        I doubt it. From all accounts Clooney is a stand up guy. He’s even willing to get into a fistfight to defend people he barely knows.

      • UnderTheGun says:

        Clooney is an amazing guy. Read about his father which is his model in life and read about what he wrote and who he married and what he does and how he thinks…seriously, no way he has skeletons, if anything we’ll find out he’s even more amazing than he seems.

  7. corey onurside says:

    I’m in love with my past lovers. I’m also in love with my current girlfriend Jasmine. She is my rock, but she isn’t the only person I (currently) love. The difference between her and my past lovers is that I am committed to her now, completely, and wouldn’t care to be with anyone else, despite my rich emotions for several souls. Commitment matters, choices matter, emotions matter least.

  8. rollertrain says:

    “Because you’re young and entitled and you’re not used to having your ass kicked.” <– I read an article on Medium by a former cop who thinks this is the very reason why younger police officers react with guns so quickly. Made sense.

  9. UnderTheGun says:

    Coquette, I can’t believe “tall” is something you look for. I thought interesting, intelligent, somewhat ravished but together too or any-fucking-other-attribute but tall…maybe it’s because i’m short but I felt dissapointed.

    • Manda says:

      She’s describing her current crush, not what she’s looking for. It wouldn’t make sense that she’s looking for someone who’s in love with someone else.

        • WilhelminaMildew says:

          UnderTheGun, she hasn’t given us enough information to just assume it is a man she is speaking about. Maybe she has a crush on a woman or other-gendered person. Maybe she likes tall women or other-gendered persons. Maybe you could not jump to conclusions based on your own personal issues.

      • WilhelminaMildew says:

        Also, the question is pretty clearly stated. It’s “what’s your crush like, the person” not “what do you look for in a person”.

        • WhoAmI says:

          the worst thing is when they complain about it to you, another short person.
          in the words of the late 21st century philosopher, “bitch, me too ! the fuck ?”

          • UnderTheGun says:

            I’ll take it from your use of”person” that you are a woman. Being short as a woman is culturally accepted.

            Need proof? look at the movies: any short women? TONS any TALL women? not so many

            any short guys? few and far between and when they are is important to the plot [ see: headhunters, for example ] if it’s not, they try to make it like he is at least taller than the woman [ see Tom Cruise ].

            Please, don’t embarrass yourself. Accepting is good for you.

          • WhoAmI says:

            I’m actually a man, I just said “person” because : generalization. Don’t overanalyse.

            It is socially OK for a girl to be “petite”. Really any height is okay for a girl (as long as she’s not fat).
            Now when it comes to dating that’s a whole different thing and men have height criteria whose strictness is worthy of model agencies (i believe the most widespread is ; as tall as possible but at least one inch short of them). But long story short girls can’t be too tall or too short, men just can’t be too short (but the limit is a few inches above that of girls, obvi).

            Some famous actresses are model size, and many famous actors are actually fairly short and it doesn’t stop them to do shit. Of course actresses are still several inches smaller than actors on average, mostly because it’s the same thing in the general population (for now).

            Being a tad short myself, I’ve never really had any problems because of it (at least i think?? i’m very clueless about those things). Get hit on by men and women like every other tall guy out there.
            Actually I get the “I thought you were taller”/”You don’t look that short” comment on the regular, clothing and posture and attitude help a lot I think. I mean if being short is such an issue to you, you might want to look into those things to compensate.

        • UnderTheGun says:

          Not that I necessarily want to open a discussion…but have you been with a short guy or never seen it as an issue? If so, then you are allowed to say that. If you disqualify guys for being short [ and say, it’s a PREFERENCE! ] than yeah. i’m kind of right, you are wrong and please at least have the decency of shutting up.

          • CynicalGrey says:

            Then don’t open it. I don’t have to discuss with you the intricacies of my relationships nor the heights of the amazing people I have dated. Please do us the decency of discussing your insecurities with a therapist instead of projecting your personality flaws onto everyone else. Tall women who date short men are tired of the tears.

          • Skylar says:

            You opened the discussion with your first comment. Also, this is exactly what we’re talking about, I don’t know how tall or short you are physically but based on your defensiveness and insecurity throughout this thread I find you extremely unappealing. The short guys I’ve been attracted to in life knew better than to complain about it and their confidence was attractive. We all have our insecurities but if you don’t want to drive people away you should maybe not broadcast yours so publicly

          • WilhelminaMildew says:

            They are ALLOWED to say that? I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to know that you’ve given them permission to have an opinion.

            As for the rest of your drivel, I can say, as a woman who is taller than the average man in the US, that I give not one whit about the height of the men I have dated or fooled around with, but I’ve met a LOT of men who are too insecure to date a woman even an inch or two taller (let alone four or five) no matter what attributes she has (looks, smarts, personality, whatevs.) Those that were worth my time had enough confidence that being with an Amazon was NBD, or they actually liked it, even if I towered over them in platforms, heels, or big stompin’ boots. Those guys are not thick on the ground back then (been almost a dozen years since I last dated), but there were tons with your attitude.
            Bitterness and insecurity really are a huge turnoff, most people haven’t the time, energy, or desire to massage the bruised egos of short dudes whose true smallness is that in their minds.

    • Kristin says:

      Lmao are you projecting your insecurities onto an internet personality by implying she’s shallow because her crush is taller than you?

      I may still be drunk from the night before but don’t you ever insult my idol again mon frere or we shall meet again in the comments section.

      • UnderTheGun says:

        He he. If she is truly your ” idol ” : 1. you’re doing it wrong, coquette is all about not idolizing anyone.

        2. you should by now have some sense of how absurd everything is and, knowing this, develop a real sense of humour which might [ or might now, in your case ] prevent you from projecting your own insecurities on random people on the internet and instead, have a laugh 🙂

        3. i’m not implying she is shallow, just that the fact that in her mind imagines someone tall by default [ if, she refers to a real person in her life, that is tall, that is a very different idea and i misunderstood ].

        4. I am allowed to point out what i think wihtout it being a dead giveaway to me being insecure. I guess. If i point out as a black man that what you said is racist how often do you say ” Oh man. why are you so insecure about being black?! oh poor fellow. that’s a turn off. it’s not that you’re black, it’s because you lack confidence!”. Heightism is a real thing, weather your hangovered mind can or can not grasp this doesn’t make it any less real.

        5. we shall battle again in the comment section


  10. Olive says:

    If you want actual, real-life socialism join a kibbutz. If you don’t want to live in a kibbutz, but want some actual adherence to some of the stated goals of socialism (easing the suffering of the less fortunate) donate your time and money directly to organizations that make a positive difference in people’s lives. (Planned Parenthood is a great one and helps lots of very vulnerable people at a crucial point in their lives – finding others does take actual research and work, depending on your values, assuming you have them).

    Voting for government policies that give lip service to socialism, however, and doing so because you consider yourself a socialist or consider yourself an advocate for the benefits of socialism, is counterproductive. Actually, going further: it’s immoral. If you want to help other people, it’s a bit demented to decide that what helps other people actually consists of giving 20-70% of your labor to an institution that uses it to kill innocents around the globe, ruining lives; that administers punishment and death without justice domestically for victimless crimes (not to mention the unaccountability of police) thereby ruining lives; that legalizes for itself a monopoly in many social services while abjectly failing to deliver – or yet, even maintain neutral conditions – in those areas because they have no ultimate incentive to do so*…thereby ruining lives.

    The government, which often claims charity and social good as its province (while, again, completely failing to deliver) in order to make you feel ok to give up always more of your money t0 their purses, is – this is important – not a benign entity. It’s not selfishness to not want your money to go to this entity, and prefer to spend and give it elsewhere wisely – it is anything but. This is responsibility.

    Also, going from hardcore republican to hardcore socialist hippie on a dime isn’t uncommon, and neither is the reverse. Certain personalities get addicted to that shit.

    *Why are there no nice public schools in inner cities, but at least some nice cell phones, and at least some nice cars? because, by not being a profit-sharing or at least a for-profit enterprise, by definition the government has no overall incentive to make sure good schools are available to people, while cell phone companies and auto companies have a ton of real-world incentives to provide things that improve people’s lives and being sure that people can access them.

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