On secret evil plans.

I live on top of a shitty franchised wing shop, and the owner is a complete douche bag.  He likes to play his music at ridiculous volumes until about 3 or 4 in the morning (fyi I live in a province who’s last call is between 1 and 2 am, and the restaurant should be closed by 2:30).  Pretty much this dude is a total asshole who probably gets a kick out of all the noise complaints my neighbors and I have filed, and even raises the volume higher if we start stomping on the floors.  Just wondering if you have some excellent passive aggressive tactics to share, nothing so far has helped.  Thanks!

Noise violations? You’re not going to get anywhere with those. If you want to fuck with a restaurant, go for the jugular. Health code violations.

Start filing complaints with the public health department. Enlist your friends. Make a campaign out of it.

You could have sworn you saw a rat? File a complaint. You think you saw a cockroach? File a complaint. Your chicken wasn’t cooked properly? File a complaint. The toilets were flooded? File a complaint. Trash was left by the dumpster? File a motherfucking complaint.

Don’t ever lie or file false reports, but feel free to be creative and have a loose interpretation of what might be considered a public health concern. This isn’t about making wild claims, it’s about the sheer number of filings.

Eventually, they’ll have no choice but to open an investigation, and when they do it’s nothing but a big fat hassle for the owner.

That’s when you have a friend buy a drink and ask the bartender to pass along a message. “Tell the owner that I hear the best way to avoid a vermin infestation is to keep the noise down after two a.m.”

Have different friends talk to different bartenders on different nights. Believe me, the owner will get the message loud and clear.

I’m not familiar with conspiracy laws in Canada, so do your own research and be very careful. Don’t threaten, harass, or intimidate. This is about taking advantage of the system, not breaking any laws.

Also, before you start hatching any secret evil plans, it’s best to go straight to the owner, look him in the eye, and ask him politely to be respectful of noise levels after a certain hour.

Always give a man a chance to do the right thing before you fuck with him unmercifully.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *