On sex club protocol

My boyfriend and I are poly and we recently went to a sex club that we like.  I had a great time, but at the end of the night when I overheard him asking the woman he’d been involved with if he could “call her sometime,” I found myself getting really upset.  I would be fine with that in any other context, but I had viewed this as a place where we went in, had fun, and got out.  He feels like we should be able to stay in contact with people we meet there because it’s hard to find poly people out in the world, but this place is teaming with them.  I think that makes sense, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason that I can’t fully identify.  Part of me wants to work through these feelings and try to be ok with staying in contact with people we meet there, and part of me just wants to say “I’m uncomfortable with it and so we can’t do that.”  What do you think?

Your issue isn’t that your boyfriend asked for this woman’s number. Your issue is that he didn’t check with you first. That’s why it’s bugging you.

He assumed you’d be cool with him swapping contact info, and you probably would have been, but he never explicitly asked to see how you felt about it, and now it’s turned into a thing.

Don’t worry. Shit like this is easy to fix. You just have to make a few minor adjustments to your sex club protocol. The couples that I’ve seen handle this the best are the ones who always involve each other in the decision to remain in contact with a play friend. They do it together.

If you’re there as as couple, then at the very least, your boyfriend should know to get your explicit permission before he asks to stay in contact with someone. Same rules apply to you. You shouldn’t give a dude your number without checking in with your boyfriend first.

Of course, just because one of you asks doesn’t mean the other has to say yes. If either of you get a bad vibes, you should both feel free to say no. It’s perfectly okay to stay in contact with people you meet at sex clubs, but there’s also nothing wrong with being picky about it.


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