Advice

On shaming an aggressive drunk

it turns out a friend of some of my friends won’t take any form of no as an answer from women when he’s blackout drunk besides literal punches to the face. he hasn’t raped anybody that i know of, but he does extended following, aggressive cornering, unwanted touching, turning rejection into flirting, and he forced my friend to make out with him until she could get away. how do i negotiate talking to him about his behavior and continuing to operate within a group of friends that he’s nonnegotiably part of?


Normally I prefer not to respond to submissions this sloppy, but your underlying question is too important to ignore. What you’re asking is how to deal with a person in your sphere of friends who becomes inappropriately sexual and physically aggressive when he’s intoxicated.

If I was in your shoes, I’d first build a coalition within the group. I would speak individually to each friend I knew would support me, and I’d get them to agree that the guy’s behavior is inappropriate and should no longer be tolerated.

Spread the responsibility for monitoring his behavior around to as many people in your group of friends as possible. Make sure they understand that it’s a problem that needs correcting, and that it’s okay for them to actually do something to correct it.

As for talking directly to the guy, don’t wait until he’s drunk and acting up before you have the discussion with him. Sit him down when he’s sober and let him know that he can’t continue to behave that way. Shoot him straight. Tell him exactly what he’s done wrong and why he can’t continue behaving that way.

After you’ve had the talk with him, if he continues acting inappropriately, that’s when you call him out in front of the group. Use shame as your tool to alter his behavior when he’s drunk.

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