Advice

On slut shaming and more.

Dear Coquette,

I blackballed a girl from living with me and my friends in our 10-person house this year, even though we had room (I’m in college). We felt that the girl was too much of a slutty party girl to live with us.

Now I am trying to make it up to her by being extra nice and inviting her out with us. She’s made it clear that she isn’t interested in accepting my apology. I am guilt-ridden over this, and I feel terrible. What should I do to make my apology heard, and how can I fix this? 

First and foremost, stop the damned slut-shaming. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to reject an unsavory roommate, but you didn’t say this girl was messy, unstable, or shady. You said she was slutty, which means you blackballed her for nothing more than openly enjoying sex. That’s a disgusting way to treat other women. Stop it.

Also, stop being “extra nice” to this girl. I know your type, and being extra nice just means acting all syrupy sweet out of a sense of self-admitted guilt. It’s fake. Insincere sweetness isn’t going to get you anywhere with someone who already knows you to be a judgmental bitch.

If you really want to fix this, skip the apologies and just be respectful. Showing this girl some genuine respect is the only way you’re gonna make it right.


Is it best to just ignore catcalls? A group of kids on the basketball team have an off-campus apartment on my street, and nearly every day I hear the same boring recycled catcalls coming from their porch. It’s a popular street for students, and I’ve heard a few girls say the same thing. One friend walks around the block just to avoid them. Seems unfair. Any clever ideas?  Thanks, Coquette.

If you want to achieve a result beyond your direct control, simply identify a source of authority that can act on your behalf and then apply the proper motivation. 

In this case, I’d show up at the basketball coach’s office with a reporter from your college newspaper, explain to the coach how his players are behaving, and then ask one simple question: “What are you doing to keep members of your basketball team from sexually harassing female students?”


Yesterday, after an amazing sex marathon, he called me “Lindsey,” who is the mother of his child. He apologized profusely and got me flowers the following day etc. … I just started grad school so I’ve been absent a little, but to be honest, I was not concerned. However … when I told my sister what happened, I realized that maybe this is something I shouldn’t shrug off since this is not the first time he’s called me by the name of one of his exes. Thoughts?

It’s not that big of a deal. Eventually he’ll quit doing it. If not, you can take comfort in the knowledge that one day, he’ll accidentally call out your name after sex with his next girlfriend.

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