Best-Of Advice

On spanking it to porn

I used to masturbate to porn pretty regularly, but I’ve recently been making an effort to stop because of the extreme feelings my long-distance girlfriend harbors about my looking at other women.  I’m having some trouble totally kicking the habit, though, and it sucks that a few minutes of horniness and no girlfriend nearby can lead to an hour or two of having to listen to her get upset—and pretty angry, depending on her mood.  (I usually figure that if I can’t keep from looking at porn, I at least owe her the honesty of telling her that I did.)

What do you think?  Do I just need to do a little more thinking with the upstairs head, or do you think she’s not giving me enough credit for genuinely trying here?   Do you have any miracle solution that’ll make this easier?  I need some coke-fueled wisdom, here.

This is a joke, right? You’re not really so emasculated that you confess to your nagging long distance girlfriend every time you jerk off to a little porn. Tell me this is a joke.

Come on, man. You don’t deserve credit for genuinely trying. You deserve a smack in the head for putting up with her shit in the first place.

You want a miracle solution? Here’s an idea. Don’t sign up for a long distance relationship with a ball busting cunt who’s so insanely hypervigilant that she refuses you the privilege of a pornography assisted spank session.

Too late for that, you say? Well then, maybe you should grow a pair of fucking balls. Tell the bitch that you’ll jerk off to whatever you damn well please, and if she doesn’t like it, she can fuck off. If it offends her delicate sensibilities so much that it ends the relationship, consider yourself lucky.

I don’t care what Dr. Phil says, masturbating to pornography doesn’t qualify as infidelity. In this context, porn is just another tool to get the job done. It would be like you getting all pissed off at her for using a vibrator. It’s not cheating. Don’t let her tell you otherwise.

Of course, that’s when she’ll pull the gender card and fall back on the argument that pornography is degrading to women. She’ll cross her arms and say, “I simply won’t stand for it.”

When she says this, what she really means is, “I am a hypocrite who is terrified of raw sexuality, and I prefer my degradation in easy-to-swallow form such as women’s magazines and Lifetime miniseries, so instead owning up to my petty jealousies, I’m gonna cram this unreasonable ultimatum down your throat.”

It’s all bullshit. The simple fact of the matter is that she’s threatened by other women to such an insane degree that she’s punishing you for thought crimes. I’d say it’s Orwellian, but even he had the good sense to include porn in 1984.

Seriously, you don’t have to stand for this.

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2 thoughts on “On spanking it to porn

  1. Chris says:

    Okay, now I have to read 1984.

    His GF shouldn’t be concerned that he’s spanking it to porn, but that it’s “just a few minutes.” After all, you practice like you play.

    From personal experience, she’s doing worse or the same. It’s a classic play I’ve seen more than once – the GF who doesn’t want her guy to masturbate has a shower massager that she reasonably uses in various fashion. The GF who doesn’t want her guy looking at another girl (really?) has some pretty sweet thought crimes of her own during said massage sessions.

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