I just had a four year relationship come to an end, he said he did not have romantic feelings for me anymore. He also said we had no disagreements or arguments, that we were complimentary, and it wasn’t what he was looking for. I’m so confused. It hurts, and it is shit. I love him and all the moments we shared. He still comes to me when he deals with some issues and says he finds comfort in me. I absolutely want him to be happy even if it’s not with me, and will be there to comfort him. It’s been very hard to rid of the feelings, but what am I even doing. Yet, I have a question or a few questions. 1) How can someone feel all these intense emotions for another person who has stopped feeling the same? 2) How can someone just not be in love one day? 3) How do I stop having feelings for him? 4) How can I still be a person to help him, without hurting myself?
1. He’s already had time to come to terms the end of the relationship. You haven’t. It’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling intense emotions right now. I promise, those feelings will eventually subside.
2. It didn’t just happen one day. It was a process, one that took time, and one for which you are not responsible. Your instinct will be to find ways to blame yourself, but this isn’t on you. Four years is a good run. The relationship simply ran its course, and he was ready to end it before you were. (I doubt you’ll believe me, but if it hadn’t been him first, eventually there would have come a day when you would have been ready to end it.)
3. Time, distance, and personal reflection. Those are the ingredients required to stop having feelings for him. I have no idea how much time it will take you. Distance includes both emotional distance and physical distance. As for personal reflection, that’s going to be tough. This is your first time dealing with a broken heart, and being new to the process, you’re just gonna have to find your own way.
4. You can’t continue helping him without hurting yourself, nor does he deserve to find comfort in you after ending the relationship. Stop being there for him. Stop comforting him. Stop letting him take advantage of you. (Yes, he is taking advantage of you.) This will prove difficult at first, but it is absolutely necessary in order for you to move on. He broke up with you. That means he doesn’t get to have you anymore. I can’t stress that enough. He doesn’t get to have you anymore.