At what age do guys learn to take care of themselves and get their shit together, because I’m twenty-one and all I see are twentysomething babies.
Unless life comes along and forces their hand, these days it typically doesn’t happen until their late thirties.
He loves baby talk. I can’t keep this up anymore. He’s great otherwise.
Yeah, this one’s easy. Enforce a zero tolerance policy on baby talk. Don’t put up with that annoying bullshit for a single second. Make it painful for him. You’ll be surprised how quickly his behavior changes when there are consequences.
Are all beauty standards cultural or are some grounded in biology?
Everything about the human condition is grounded in biology, including culture itself. We are animals, after all. We may be gifted with the cognitive ability to recognize our own social constructs, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re a bunch of talking monkeys.
I’ve had a couple dreams that your identity has been revealed. Why is that?
Those dreams are about you. I’m guessing that you’ve got some kind of secret that’s causing you some anxiety.
So, I’ve got the job and the guy, the baby and the house are on their way. What now? Just stay the course?
Like you’ve got a choice.
Why do the Underwoods need a “Tom Yates” (or a “Meachum”) and what role does Tom particularly play for us viewers?
The Underwoods don’t have children. There’s just the two of them, and a dyad is an unstable relationship unit. They consistently need a third person to make their relationship unit a triad, which has a stabilizing effect. This is actually a real thing that happens. Most normal couples without children do this with a mutual friend, but the Underwoods aren’t a normal couple, so they have to carefully and mutually groom a third person to fill that role. For viewers, Tom’s role is that of an audience surrogate. He allows us to be a part of the Underwood relationship while still having a conscience.
Do you have a favorite character on The West Wing?
I always had a soft spot for Toby Ziegler.
My life is a fucking mess. We’re both intelligent people. You seem to have it together. How?
Dumb fucking luck.
What’s your Myers-Briggs personality type? I know it’s dumb but I’m so curious.
I’ve answered this question sarcastically in the past, but now that I’ve got a flourishing comments section, I’ll let you all take a few guesses before telling you. This should be fun.
Is it INFJ? ENFJ?
Can’t decide whether I’m an introvert or extrovert. I love it!
This really is the most tricky bit. (Funny because this is usually the easiest part for those around you.)
I think once she said that while she’s good in social situations, she’s mostly an introvert.
She did say that.
Nothing is an empathetic and curious and an INFP.
There’s no flipping way she’s an INFP. I’d say INFJ. She’s too sure of herself to be anything P.
Usually insightful, strong-willed, thoughtful people who I get along with but are way more confident than me are INFJs. That’s why.
And they think these tests are dumb.
ENTJ, possibly INTJ.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has yet to meet a twenty-something guy that doesn’t have the emotional maturity of a five-year-old.
And fuck Myers-Briggs.
ikr. I’m trying to put together a myers-briggs tarot set.
So, what, just court cards? Arcana are life stages/events so they don’t really correspond.
I NEED THESE ;3;
I feel like without knowing you in the flesh any guess anyone makes as to your Meyers-Briggs personality type would just be them projecting their personality type onto you.
INTP
ENTP
INFP or INFJ.
I’d love to know why you can’t decide between the two.
Yeah, please do elaborate
ENFJ. This isn’t even a challenge (okay, I was mildly obsessed with Jung’s work in high school).
I’ll give you one more guess.
INFJ?
Most definitely INFJ now.
ENTJ.
Thinking you gotta be a —J because you’re not typically open-ended. Gotta be decisive for the advice gig. I’d lean toward saying INTJ.
I’m gonna go with ENFJ, because that’s what me and Oprah are. 🙂
Man, there’s a lot hubris in thinking you can create a personality judgement based on a secret identity.
You can’t figure out superman without knowing Clark Kent.
But Superman wasn’t the secret identity. Superman was who he really was.
I know what I said, son.
gonna say INTJ, mostly because that’s what i am and because most of the badass women i know fall here too.
Could you elaborate on the whole dyad/triad stable/unstable dynamic in another context?
I’ve noticed that couples are the worst when they’re hanging out with other couples, and they’re at their best when they’re past the infatuation phase and have a single/not-with-their-SO friend around. As for my own relationships, I haven’t thought too long on this dynamic while I was in a relationship, so my reference points are weak.
Why is a dyad unstable?
Have you ever read Bossy Pants by Tina Fey? I honestly thought that was one of the best explanations of how useful a buffer can be.
Watch the first two and a half minutes of this video for a quick and simple explanation.
ESFJ
E more than I. Likes fast paced environment. Enjoys attention, though not pathologically. If I were to put this on the scale, I’d say leaning reasonably to E.
S hardcore. Very into reality of situations. Concrete details. Practical.
F hardcore. Very big heart as evidenced by choice in movies. Empathetic.
J solid. Chooses a direction and sticks with it. Plans ahead. Considers variables. Comes to conclusion.
Let me guess – you’re an S yourself. Sensors are the only people who could ever fail to identify an intuitive at Coke’s level.
INFJ. You’re obsessed with ethics. The way to get you to answer a question is to frame it in terms of morality. Although, that fact alone isn’t a good reason to label you as an INFJ.
I would have guessed ESTP, but you’ve said yourself that you’re an introvert. I think others probably have greater insight into this than me. (I never bought into Meyers-Briggs. It’s not a valid psychological test.)
See, I’m banking on more of those questions about enjoying parties as coming up party positive. Otherwise I’d go with I.
http://dearcoquette.com/on-fun-sized-advice-155/
You don’t have to be an extravert to enjoy partying or be charismatic or be good with people. I’m INFJ though so maybe I’m biased.
Now that I think about it, INFJs do tend to be generally obsessed with ethics.
I don’t know if I framed my answer well. I was trying to work backwards, if that makes sense- her interest in the science of morality and neuroscience of emotion suggests that she would be an INFJ (feeling but judging). I love the myriad of explanations on here. The combination of “FJ” was the part I was pretty certain of. She’s undeniably self-disciplined. She’s not a flake. She’s someone who respects the long haul and values dedication and consistency. I would guess her self-respect partly derives from discipline but also an almost abstract sense of purpose. But she’s preceptive about patterns, stories, and underlying emotions. She’s not a hater. She cares deeply, which is her favorite part of herself (in my mind). It’s the pragmatic-yet-dreamy story telling that I love. Like, of course she loves magic realism. Of course she appreciates A Moveable Feast. And she is a fantastic story-teller. She’s both aware *and* perceptive. Both the N and the F go with that.
Honestly, that took me a little while to figure that out, but it just clicked when I did. I might be wrong and I kind of wish I hadn’t said that because it’s fun for everyone else to notice patterns, too. Coke Talk’s anonymity creates a nice little sandbox for us to play in and I’m always grateful for that.
Honestly, sorry- I feel like I come off as a creepy little cocksucker and let’s be real, I am, but I just have a lot of respect and admiration for Coke.
Also just want to add that I misspelled extrovert in my last post and it’s killin’ me.
“The way to get you to answer a question is to frame it in terms of morality.” Hah. This is so spot-on though.
The NF bit is fairly obvious for some reason. Doubtful about P or J, but I’m leaning towards J. Now please tell us where you lean on the introvert-extrovert scale. I’m guessing an introvert…who likes to socialize?
I love this. Why are you leaning toward J versus P?
Pulling off an anonymous internet persona/living a “double life” makes me kind of lean towards J. (This might sound stupid, but, really.)
Also, INFJ is *the* rarest personality type, a personal favorite of mine too.
Nailed it.
Well, this explains why you remind me of my girlfriend sometimes.
INTP, I’m completely sure.
INFP. But hey, all traits are a sliding scale.
Entp:
Ne – aversion to authority, iconoclast, novel, possibility focused, conceptual, funny (ne doms are pseudo extroverts just fyi, they’re characterised as ‘introverted extroverts’) unrealistic (actor dream), curious/inquisitive
Ti – intellectual (entps have the highest IQ out of all the extroverts), knowledgeable, cold
Fe – charming, manipulative, empathetic, lower Fe means not caring about offending people too (I see this on lots of your older posts), lower Fe also means not really liking Feelings, you probably have to externalise them in order to understand them
Si – aversion to your past ?? Probably don’t enjoy monotonous situations/lifestyles/people
Overall entp’s are weird, resourceful, entertaining and good at helping people in crisis’ (you run an advice blog lmao) Also pretty great at understanding humans (Ti + Fe) Ne helps too.
Oh and yes I went by the functions cause I know my fucking shit.
You do know your shit, but do it again with me as an INFJ. You’ll see.
I feel like my whole life’s a lie. On your blog somewhere is the line ‘I’m surprisingly okay with the fact I don’t know what’s coming next’ or something along those lines, which once made me think you use Ni, but INFJ’s + ENTP’s are similar since they’re intuitive dominants who use Ti and Fe. Could you be an ENTP with overactive Fe? You have the whole entertainer thing going on too.
I’m telling you flat out that I’m an INFJ. Break that down by function like you did with ENTP. I’d love to see what that looks like.
INFJ:
Ni dominant – vague, abstract, future focused (going back to your life goals, you’re very vague and abstract in your advice for all of the ages post; you also said your 30s was for settling down with a few close friends), anxious, good at making predictions (remember that mum & daughter post about hair) + trusting their judgements ‘trust me on this one’ classic Coke line. Don’t like disingenuous personas (Jennifer Lawrence and her false humility), Ni likes constant improvement ‘don’t be afraid to grow’, going through a metamorphosis is very Ni (overcoming your narcissism), Ni likes purpose and meaning too. You’ve always put emphasis on people giving themselves a subjective purpose, and this blog seems to have an overall purpose (helping people), you very quickly learn from mistakes, you pay attention to consequences a lot ‘having a go at X will only cause more problems than it solves’, you’ve mentioned that you love to re-learn which extremely Ni too, you’ve alluded to dissosociating which is quite Ni, ‘ebb and flow of my personality’ nothing feeling real is INxJ’s all over, noticing patterns and predicting outcomes is a signature INFJ trait
Fe – auxiliary Fe is known for suppressing itself which is why I thought your Ti came first, probably. Your Ti, like in most INFJs is very well developed. INFJ’s are forced to toughen up a lot of the time. You’re loving, fiery, empathetic and swayed by the feelings of others (see: people who are heartbroken who message you + the way you respond), your Fe is why you enjoy socialising, and why you’re hella good at people pleasing. INFJ’s use their Fe indirectly to the point where you don’t realise they’re helping (supporting your decision to die), your Fe is why you enjoy knowing everyone’s secrets, pretty good at manipulation
Ti – huge fucking nerd. Ti isn’t passive, hence why you don’t have any trouble calling people out on their bullshit. Your analytic and critical of yourself and others, calculated and enjoy arguing. Also chimes into your love for improvement.
Se – your aesthetically refined, and not grounded in the slightest. Your draw inferences and meaning from everything, high Se is concrete, grounded and none of that’s you.
To conclude: INFJ’s do shit for the greater good, whether it’s advising people online or telling them to finish college. You’re not afraid of offending people, especially when it’s the right person ‘I give you full permission to [something threatening] this person’ since they’ve done terrible shit, your Ni is why you’re distrusting ‘I promise you can trust again’ and elitist ‘call me elitist but I can’t wait to get back to LA’, people thinking they’ve figured you out when they haven’t is something INFJ’s deal with which I find pretty fucking ironic. Your Ni speaks for your introversion (needing time to process information) and Fe is external and focuses on others, their feelings and needs, which is why you enjoy socialising. Oh yeah + Ni looks for single truths hence why you realised god’s a fairytale people tell themselves so they can sleep at night. Good at understanding complex topics (neurolingusitic programming) your Fe and Ti is pretty hard to read and weirdly developed but I genuinely got out a pen and paper for this one. Your Ni + Ti overrides your Fe a lot but it’s still pretty apparent.
Wow, that was amazing. Well done.
Thanks very much. I feel like there’s still a lot to say about Coke’s INFJ-ness.
INFP/J here. Thanks. >.>
Awesome!
Do you have any favourite types?
Jess, just took the damn test again. NF was conclusive. But E/I and J/P were a toss up. I isolate myself most of the time, but when I run into people in the elevator I’m always that guy who’s commenting on some minutiae of the situation. So I’m not afraid to talk to people if there’s even a sliver of reason. But contrive me into a party and suddenly I’m wallpaper. I rarely venture out on weekends. What additional questions might zero me in on judging myself more fully?
Ignore E/I, T/F dichotomies and study the functions (there are eight in total) personalityjunkie is a beautiful source for myer briggs. Sorry amigo but I can’t really go of off what you just gave me. Working out whether you use Te/Fi or Ti/Fe is a good place to start. Then Ne/Si or Ni/Se. You also gotta bare in mind which functions you use more and feel more comfortable using out of those. Good luck!
Thanks for the site!
Well…I’ve braced myself for a name change…
VeryOff
KindOff
done.
I once had a holistic nurse practitioner tell me that my stomach issues were inextricably connected to my Meyers Briggs result. I think she might have assigned it a little too much gravitas.
I am almost certain about the I (“what’s going on in your head is more interesting than parties” or what have you) and N (more of a guess tbh, most creative/critical thinkers such as yourself I have met are N’s; also you nail a lot about your readers based on impressions, not solely facts) Now it gets tricky. Based on the full profile I would say you are an INFJ or INTP. INTJ seems too literal minded, and INFP a little too passive but that could be a misinterpretation on my end. My party trick is guessing people’s type accurately but for “duh” reasons this does not apply to you.
Read all the comments, seems like I’m running with the common theme…
Final guess INFJ. It’s the rarest personality type if I remember correctly. What else would you be?
I knew you’d get it.
At first I thought it was the type that Jack Donaghy discovers Kenneth is on “30 Rock.” But I do still think that in five years we’ll all either be working for you … or dead by your hand.
Also, is it too late to joke that your MB type is CUNT? 😉 (Said with pure humor and the highest regard.)
My smart-ass reply is usually BAMF.
Yes, saw that from the link. More elegant and concise.
That’s the only legit reply.
How’d you figure yours out? I feel like online quizzes are unreliable and the result changes every time. Which is probably a symptom in itself.
I’d have guessed this too! I think introverts have an easier time keeping up blogs over the years :-). Same with the judicious! Perceptives and extroverts get distracted for different reasons. I’d say the biggest question would be F or T, but I guess to have your empathy F, your bite, T.
Intuition at work! I’m an INFJ, too. Any career advice for a young person of your type? I could get more into specifics if you have the time 🙂
Something creative, or that allows you to be independent, express yourself or help others?
Thank you. That’s definitely where I arrived.
I see I’m late to the party, but I’ll post this anyway:
Insightful and empathetic, yet private and independent? Fun and good with people, but with firm personal boundaries? Badass yet kind? I will guess INFJ.
Of course you’re the most ‘rare’ personality type. Glad I wasn’t the only person who was curious!
Coke just doxxed the shit out of herself.
Are your Myers-Briggs results consistent? Over the past couple years I’ve gotten
ENTP, ENFP, and INFP.
Yep, that’s one of its major criticisms.
Speaking anecdotally, I’ve always been INFP. I think I accidentally play the test a little bit, though, to more closely represent my ego. Which is another criticism of it’s effectiveness, lol. But the descriptions of INFP do match me up and down.
I always come out as ENFJ or INFJ (I’m right about at in the middle of being an extrovert or introvert so that part changes depending on the test) bit I’m not sure if it’s truly reflective of my personality, or I that I answer the questions more wishfully than honestly.
I actually had this nightmare where someone hacked you, and seriously considered warning you about it when I woke up.
Just this week I had such a vivid dream about meeting you. You were a nurse living in Grand Rapids, Mich. – I’m sure you’ll /love/ that one!
Also my mother and her identical twin are both nurses from Grand Rapids, so have fun with that one. Though neither have had purple hair, like you did.
Oh my god, I love this. Were you a patient or a fellow employee? I don’t know if you have seen the Work video by Rihanna, but there’s a split second shot of this gorgeous woman in a headdress. It’s got metallic fringes that are covering up her face and she has this cool ring on and it just immediately made me go like, omg, that could be her.
So that makes internalized racist beauty standards grounded in biology too? And if yes, how so? My guess would be that the dominance of a phenotypically affiliated group causes racism, and later, if/when these beliefs spread out everyone starts buying it. So psychology beats biology in this case? Can you say that internalized racism is psychosomatic? Or is it that the psyche is a product of the biology too?
To your last question- yes. Have you heard of the concept of the phenomenal self? I feel like the neuroscience of consciousness would interest you.
Anyways… randomly needed that advice about baby talk. Shit’s annoying.
For those of you interested in my INFJ-ness, this analysis pretty much nails me to the fuckin’ wall. (And for those of you asking, I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs several times over the years — the real thing, not those online quizzes — and I’ve always consistently come back an INFJ.)
Actual same.
This explains so much!
My husband is the ultra-rare male INFJ. Which is fortunate for me, because I’m a rare female INTP, and we are eerily compatible. It’s been that way since we met, but after he was more recently tested and I did some reading up, I discovered that some believe it to be a really good pairing.
(Some say that an I/E pairing is best, but that completely mystifies me. As an introvert, I would quickly be exhausted by an extrovert’s need for socialization, he would be bored by me, and he would probably be like the 9/10 extroverts I know who have no concept of or true respect for an introvert’s needs.)
My husband has very high intelligence and insight, and his ideas and creativity fascinate me. As an INTP, I can tend to the coldly logical side, so I love having his perspective to spark ideas in me that I might not otherwise have considered. Must be why your writing does the same thing to me, Coke!
I don’t know why people are questioning your INFJ, it’s obvious to me. When I first read you I thought you were an INTJ but it soon became obvious the T was a mistake on my part.
Every discussion I’ve seen online of Meyers-Briggs types has ended up with a disproportionate number of INFJs, so I was going to guess that purely based on experience. I’m amused to see I’m right.
I’m not sure if online discussions of Meyers-Briggs draw INFJs (and neighboring types) like moths to a flame, or if I just tend to join communities with lots of INFJs in them. Or both.
Any of you guys who are good at this also see a connection between writers and the INFJ type? The ability to preform extroversion but spending (and wanting to spend?) a solid amount of your time alone seems like a writer thing. I dunno.
I love this discussion – M-B is interesting to me, sometimes I overthink the online tests (is this who I AM, or how I want myself to be SEEN? Plus – I can over analyze the questions – reading comprehension always fucks me up because I can SEE different nuances to the verbiage, so I get mentally tangled ) – but I usually come up INTJ, sometimes ISTJ (boring!).
I’m the same way and I just came up INTJ. Maybe it’s a distinct trait?
Thought of you as an ENTJ a few years back. Later on, NF made more sense, as you seemed comfortable taking emotion into equation and provide a deeper insight into people’s motivations and how that behaviour are snowballing them into their current predicaments. Though the line between Fi and Fe seemed murky sometimes, you always struck me as practical idealist and your thought process seems far too systematic to primarily rely on Ne. So, ENFJ seemed legit but INFJ now is not at all out of place.
There is an occasional self-gratifying appeal to the Myers-Briggs cult but I dislike how much of it caters to my sensitivities and doesn’t challenge my type’s growth (INFP).
I’m (happily!) surprised that you’re an INFJ. I somehow typed you as an ENTP, mostly because of your penchant for abandon and testing limits. In retrospect INFJ makes complete sense. When reading your entries, there is the sense in your writing that you consciously rationalise yourself into abandon (Ni, Ti). And in a way you write to get yourself there — you write your way into abandon. Your writing weaves chaotic and myriad experiences into a mythical web.
If there was any characteristic INFJ moment, it would be your profound sense of personal affinity to the movie “Black Swan”. It showed that in your earlier years you held an abstract, almost unattainable vision of yourself that’s characteristically Ni (introverted intuition). It also pointed to an inferior Se, which is physically free, unplanned, spontaneous — everything Nina, and you, were not.
In that sense, you spent most of your life after that trying to come to terms with your own Black Swan, your own alter ego, shadow self, id — whatever or however you want to term it. At your heart of hearts you were a storm chaser, but you had trouble externalising it in the world.
It’s why your stint in LA makes complete sense. Your stint in LA might make no sense to those who stereotype INFJs as bookish, sensitive intellectuals who loathe the superficial, the ephemeral. But any INFJ who has dug deep into life knows that the superficial contains the profound, and the INFJ enjoys surprising and testing herself to reach these moments. You enjoy being at the centre of intensities, and LA was that tornado. And you were always moving with it, and you were always at its quiet eye.
Your sensorial indulgences and your highly physical rituals for dealing with breakups also point to inferior Se.
Lastly, there’s perhaps no other type that embodies such a definite understanding of the complex and ineffable meanderings of the universe.
in my half-assed, excited way I got inconsistent with spelling out the functions for those who might not be as familiar with them. And then ran out of time to do edits. Oops. But y’all probably already have googled that shit.
I am facepalming at how many people, even Coquette, fall for this Meyer Briggs Bullshit. It’s like the comment section collectivley decided to drop their intelligence level. It’s so painfully obvious to me that this is only a bit above horoscope.
So? It’s more fun than horoscopes.
I jokingly call it grown-ups’ Pokémon but it can honestly be an useful framework of thought to reconsider values and preconceptions from (tho it can also be used to insidiously reaffirm or mitigate them.)
I doubt that Coke holds it in as high as regard as you’re suggesting though I wonder if she might value it as tool for her book writing.
That’s so funny, I used to call horoscopes grown-ups’ Pokémon.
And I’m facepalming your facepalm. It’s absolutely ridiculous to compare the Myers-Briggs to astrology. Not every psychological instrument can be the MMPI, but that doesn’t make it bullshit. Sure, it’s a blunt tool, but it’s also a lot of fun, so do us all a favor and pull the stick out of your ass. (While you’re at it, learn how to spell Myers-Briggs properly before you pretend like you know what you’re talking about.)
Dude, we talked about this a few months ago. The myers briggs is total bullshit. If it makes you happy, fine, but it’s total bullshit. Read the history of the origins of the test. No one in psych uses myers briggs. No one. If you want a personality test do a big five test.
The comment section is basically have a slumber party. If it’s not your kind of game, don’t play.
Slumber party. Fuck, that’s funny.
Tell that to the guy that wanted to end his life because he lost a leg and penis.
Or does the slumber party rule only apply when coquette doesn’t like to be wrong (and you don’t like to be wrong either)?
Ok, bye then. It’s been a nice year reading your stuff, but you and the whole comment section falling for a cheap parlour trick is too much for me. Are people really that dense?
KK are you ENTP by any chance? 🙂
I’m an introvert, the other letters are meaningless to me :).
I just took the test, I can never remember what I scored in the past, but I got INFJ too! Since I can’t remember what I got before maybe I was always INFJ, but I like to think I’ve also grown an internal coketalk from reading your advice all these years, so maybe she pushed me in that direction 😀 Love ya! xoxo
I’ve always been INFJ, too. Very apt for me, personally.
Super late to the game on this but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to say your Myers-Briggs personality type is 100%, for sure, DGAF.
Solid.
Fuck. I thought you were ENTP for the longest time. I thought I picked up on Ne+Si in your writing.
I’m INFJ too. You have been my mentor for the past 6 years. I am feeling intense emotions right now. Major paradigm shift.
As a fellow INFJ I also got major feels when she revealed this.
Here’s to INFJs!
Super late but couldn’t resist.
I’m omitting I/E because I don’t believe in intro/extroversion. Mainly because you cannot focus properly on one without considering the other so I find the binary kinda frustrating. I’d say it’s more of a spectrum and I’d probably say you used to swing more toward E, but as you age, are sliding up to I more and more.
N – You clearly interpret situations with nonverbal cues and situational factors, so you’re a little past just taking in basic facts on face value.
T – This was a hard one. You’re very emotional and understanding when it comes to people and their emotions yet you don’t excuse people for their circumstances/inability to handle life’s curveballs. So I’d have to say Thinking, purely on the basis that FIRST, you refer to consistency and logic before considering their particular circumstances.
P – Although you definitely are an advocate on making decisions and not being wishy-washy, you’re too flexible and open-minded to be J so I think I’d place you here. You’re extremely perceptive.
Sorry if this is off. Just my interpretation but maybe it’s more of a self-analysis than anything else. I kinda see you as alter-ego of sorts.
I’ve also had around three or four dreams in which I discover Coquette’s identity and we become friends. Well, maybe more acquaintances than actual close friends. I’ve been reading this column since I was in my early 20s and, while Coquette has had a tremendous effect on my life (for the better, duh) I didn’t start having these dreams until this past year. I’m sure it has something to do with my relatively recent life experiences, but I’m not quite clear on the meaning. Whatever, we go have dinner and have nice drinks and go clothes shopping. They’re OK dreams, I guess 😀
Fuck yes Toby Ziegler. Still need to watch more since I somehow missed that boat at the time but so far ugh at Sam Seaborn with his righteous idiocy about his law student/escort friend.