On the friend who gets slapped around.

I really need this answered, ct. My friend’s been in a really destructive relationship for the past 3 years. Controlling, possessive, jealous freak, unreasonable, hits her, slaps her, you name it. But she still loves him, cliche i know. how the fuck do i convince her to leave him? last straw happened when he hit her last night for hanging out with me and my friends. wtf. any advice would be appreciated. thanks a ton.

There is no easy answer here, because almost any active decision you make could easily lead to the destruction of your friendship.

I’ve been around this situation more than once, and as much as it’s clear who the victim is, it never ceases to amaze me how the cycle of violence requires the will of both people in the abusive relationship.

Your friend has been with this asshole for three years. Victim or not, she’s entrenched in what she thinks is love. You can’t fuck with that, not without risking your friendship.

I’m not suggesting you don’t try. Just know what you’re getting into. It may become an ultimatum situation. This isn’t you saying, “you should really break up with that asshole.” This is you saying, “you have to break up with that asshole, or our friendship is over.”

Are you willing to do that? And if so, are you really capable of following through? I’m not suggesting you start tossing out ultimatums either, but you need to be prepared for serious consequences within your friendship before taking action.

If you’re sure that you want to do something, go big. Don’t half-ass it over coffee. Do a full on, balls-to-the-wall style intervention. Do some research. Start here.

Find a domestic violence intervention program in your area and ask them for help.

If an intervention seems like too much drama, then there’s little you can do except tell her how you feel and make sure she knows you’re there for her.

It’s a tough call — get all up in your friend’s shit, or stand idly by and watch her get slapped around. It’s real “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of stuff.

Best of luck.


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