Advice

On the great secret war

Please fucking help. Watching Sarah Palin endorse Trump is like tripping balls on acid and looking into a refrigerator of insanity and not being able to decide what fire to eat. I need John Stewart back sooooo fucking badly. But I know you can say something to chase this away. It’s a lucid recognition of completely explosive fuckery strapped to a psychotic bomb. Please make it stop!! Please fucking pleeease!

 

Don’t fight the hallucinations. Watch them not with fear, but with joy, for this election cycle is evidence that the illuminati are finally winning the great secret war against the lizard people. The mind control is weakening. Soon, we will all be awakened to the world of the real, and you won’t need to borrow a pair of Roddy Piper’s sunglasses to see it.

Prepare yourselves. Keep your wits about you. Pray that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are able to keep Blue Ivy safe long enough to fulfill the prophecy, and know that Jon Stewart is not gone, for the Jew from the East shall rise again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his syndication shall have no end.

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19 thoughts on “On the great secret war

    • Kc says:

      Just in case you were wondering, we Americans think we’re crazy. What happens if he wins? Some of us stop going home for Christmas so we don’t have to hear our relatives gloat about it, all while the end looms ever nearer.

      • Perspectivator says:

        I have job contacts in Australia and Canada, so moving out of the country again seems kind of promising. The physical climate in Canada is pretty inviting on the west coast even if the people there are a bit arrogant and passive aggressive. And while Australia still houses some deeply ignorant people, they tend to be easy to get along with for white folks. I love some Australians. Tough call.

        I only bring up the moving out of the country concept as a “for reals” concept because if Trump were to win there would be environmental hell on earth. He’d allow frakking the whole eastern seaboard until the aquifers were irreparably damaged. You think Flint Michigan is fukt? Just wait!

        China wouldn’t join us in any environmental concerns as long as we kept up our bullshit and the northern hemisphere would become a cloud of shit.

        I’d kill for a job in Sweden but my parents are aged and frail.

      • Bruce says:

        The majority of people I know support Bernie Sanders, but that’s by no means representative of the country at large. In fact, until recently the top-polling candidate just in my state was Ben Carson.

  1. definitely not batman says:

    Please let this be a preview of your book. Can’t wait to see if Blue Ivy finds Rihanna’s old light saber and goes to Barbados to begin her training.

  2. Kelly Chase says:

    I feel like we all need to take a second to appreciate this:

    “Watching Sarah Palin endorse Trump is like tripping balls on acid and looking into a refrigerator of insanity and not being able to decide what fire to eat.”

    It is a RARE fucking day when the best line in a Dear Coquette post is not being served to you by Ms. Coquette herself.

    Sir or Madam — whoever you are — we salute you.

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