On the realities of an open relationship

I’m in my early 30s and my boyfriend of 6 months is in his late 30s. I was married forever and neither bf or I had a real great time with monogamy, so we decided to have an open relationship wherein we can bang freely with a few minor rules, like safety first, and try not to fall in love.  To achieve the latter, we try to stick to people in other couples or that might have children at home and those who are not interested in relationships.  Seems like it might work.  Life is long and I’m realistic – I had no luck nailing the same guy for the rest of my life once, and I wouldn’t expect to again.

Here’s where I feel like a shallow shit.  My boyfriend, for his few dalliances since we’ve been together, has had sex with the skeeziest women.  I feel awful for feeling this way (shitty/superior or secretly skeezy too?!), but I shower regularly, own a home and car, and I’m not on acid all the time.  I feel a major disparity in the level here and it grosses me right out to the point that I don’t want to hear about it and I’ve been kind of shitty to him about it.  Should we just implement a DADT policy?  Or am I just being an asshole?


It’s not that you’re being an asshole. (Although you might be, I dunno.) It’s that you’re not acknowledging the reality of the situation.

If your boyfriend could regularly fuck other women on your level, you wouldn’t be his girlfriend. He’d be in a relationship with someone above your level, and he’d dip down and fuck women on your level to satisfy his open relationship sport-fucking needs.

That’s one of the differences (and double standards) that exist between men and women in open relationships. Men tend to fuck below their partner’s level, and women tend to fuck on or above their partner’s level. (If you’re asking yourself “why?” in both instances, the answer is “because they can.” It’s merely the path of least resistance for all parties involved.)

Please keep in mind, I’m not saying it’s good, and I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just telling you how it is. Maybe your boyfriend is just doing the best he can, or maybe he has a thing for sport-fucking dirt squirrels. Either way, being shitty to him creates more problems than it solves, so at the very least, you should start addressing the issue in a civil and forthright manner.

If you can’t bear the thought of your boyfriend getting his kicks in skanktown, then it’s on you to modify the terms of the open relationship. Fair warning, though: a don’t ask don’t tell policy is almost never the solution. That inevitably leads to mistrust and an eventual loss of mutual respect.


4 thoughts on “On the realities of an open relationship

  1. Margo says:

    Wait, a don’t ask/don’t tell policy inevitably leads to mistrust and an eventual loss of mutual respect? Shit. I’m trying one right now in a new-ish (6 months) relationship. Can you elaborate for me?

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