On using your words

I really like a guy and we’ve been dating for a few months but the sex is getting borderline painful because I’ll be turned on but then get super bored. What do I do. I haven’t orgasmed yet either even though he thinks I have. I feel like shit.


If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, USE YOUR WORDS. Talk with your sexual partners. Communicate.

The next time you’re in bed, start a conversation. It can be before you fuck, after you fuck, or while you’re fucking. It really doesn’t matter. Just pick your moment and say the words, “Hey, I wanna talk about how we fuck…” and then let it go from there.

Be frank, open, and honest about what you like, what you don’t like, what you need, and what gets you off. Find out the same things from him. Let it all come from a place of love and respect. Don’t take any of it too seriously, and don’t be afraid to laugh.

Also, don’t be afraid to get interactive. If talking only gets you part of the way, have a little show and tell. Literally demonstrate what it takes for you to orgasm. I swear, he won’t mind watching. While you’re at it, let him show you what he likes. You might learn a few tricks too.

Communication is the only way to turn bad sex into better sex and good sex into great sex. Go ahead. Talk. Be brave, loving, and respectful, and I promise you’ll be fine.


13 thoughts on “On using your words

  1. Sat says:

    Never let a guy think you orgasmed if you didn’t. I very rarely have orgasms because it takes a very specific kind of stimulation for me and even then, sometimes I’m not feeling it, but I am making no one a favor by lying about it. Also, yes, all of them love to watch.

  2. FlyBy says:

    You don’t have to drop it on him as one huge “by the way I’m not enjoying sex with you” conversation either. Just making changes in the moment works For example: grabbing his hand and adjusting it to the speed/angle/pressure/spot you like. You can also take over – ask him to just lie there, and you do the lovemaking the way you want it. Most guys are pretty on board with this.

    If you don’t know what gets you off, then you’ve got a different issue. It’s something a lot of women deal with at some point, no shame.

  3. Anna says:

    I accidentally clicked on a like button again. I have already complained about this useless gadget and I will complain again.
    And about the advice, maybe talk about sex when you’re not in the bedroom ? You can start slowly. This might only be anecdotal experience but I’ve always found it’s the kind of discussion you want to establish in any sexual relationship.

  4. Barefootsie says:

    A few “yes and’s” from my training/experience:

    – All of what CQ said is correct.
    – As others said, don’t fake orgasms. It sends the wrong sort of communication, is dishonest, and won’t set you up for getting the kind of stimulation you want. Plus with a consistent partner, it will likely hurt their feelings when they realize what you’ve been doing.
    – Orgasms are amazing. No one is doubting that. BUT for a little while (especially if you don’t know HOW to get off), shift your mindset/goals from orgasm-focus to pleasure-focus. If an O happens, awesome, but a lot of time since we put so much emphasis/pressure on the fact that if we or our partner has an O that that’s the only way they had a good time, it can end up being a disservice to what we do in the bedroom.
    – You are responsible for your own orgasm. That was a big one for me to learn. That doesn’t mean your partner can’t help you along in any way they can. But you need to know what works for you/gets you off. (If you don’t know that for yourself thoroughly, do some self-exploration ’til you figure it out.) It’ll help everyone out.
    – Oh, and one more thing: the pain during intercourse. If that goes away after all the stuff CQ (and I) say gets implemented, there may be an underlying medical condition at hand. Then it’s time to hit up a Planned Parenthood or your doctor or another type of clinic to check out what’s going on.

    Hope that helps! Happy banging!

      • Anna says:

        I don’t think the OP was referring to literal pain, but generally one shouldn’t wait to go see a gynecologist after experiencing pain during intercourse. Shit (infection, tumorous growth, etc.) can go so wrong with a cervix without any obvious symptoms.

    • Ak says:

      Just want to say that GYNs don’t usually know much about pelvic pain except where caused by cysts, fibroids or endo or something, and in my experience those things don’t cause consistent pain during sex. Sometimes a urologist (for women, of course) is necessary, especially if the pain is related to pelvic floor muscles, glands, vestibulitis, vulvodynia, or things like that. So if the op is dealing with literal pain, that could help to know. Having (successfully controlled) vulvodynia has made communication about sex vital for me and my husband, and I can say coquette’s advice is perfect, especially about not taking it too seriously!

    • Strangely Rational says:

      My first thought was that if this is physical pain and it’s occurring when the LW is getting “super bored,” it may be a lack of sufficient lubrication.

  5. J Lynn says:

    I mentioned them in another thread but the great Dr Betty Dodson and her protégé Carlin Ross have a wealth of info and advice on female orgasm (and many other sex topics). Betty was an absolute pioneer in women’s sexuality and is still way ahead of the masses.

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