Your last letter about the boyfriend who thinks his girlfriend is beautiful got me thinking. My boyfriend never compliments me on my body at all, or gives me That Look (you know, THAT look) that people who lust after other people give each other. I’ve never really had body issues, but I’m beginning to wonder if he’s attracted to me. We have sex a lot, so there’s that, but it would be nice to be verbally adored every so often. The other day, he made a comment about my getting dolled up for a work meeting I was going to, and how I never doll myself up like that for him, but when I do – he never says, “Hey, you look great!” He makes comments about finding other women hot, and has complimented women friends of our on their outfits so it’s not as if he doesn’t have eyes. The only time he’s ever spontaneously complimented my looks is when we’ve done coke together. But you know…coke talk.
I don’t know how to bring this up without sound desperately insecure or bitchy. I’m not insecure about my looks in general, and get a reasonable share of looksy attention from other guys. I just may not be his cup of tea, and I’d like to find that out before I spend any more time with someone who doesn’t find me essentially yummy.
Or maybe he’s just a douche. What do you think?
Sweetheart, you are his cup of tea, the one he’s been sipping regularly for quite some time. He’s not gonna stick his pinky in the air and constantly say, “Oh, this tea is delicious.”
Just be glad he’s not doing tequila shots behind your back, okay?
Get all this “essentially yummy” horseshit out of your head. I know you’ve got a raging case of prince charming disease, but this is how relationships usually work. Your vanity suffers a tiny amount of benign neglect in exchange for some reliable and exclusive cock. Get used to it.
Besides, if you’re not insecure about your looks or the relationship, then all this boils down to is that you’re the type who needs to be told she looks pretty.
Wanna know the quick remedy to that? Words. Simple, direct, and to the point will get you exactly what you want. Your entire problem could be solved with a little eye contact and the following sentence:
“Hey, fuckface. I’m the type who needs to be told she looks pretty.”
There. Done. You’re welcome.
Oh, and quit worrying about how you’ll sound. Is it vain to say that shit? Hell yes. So is putting on makeup. Fuck it.
One thought on “On verbal adoration”
This type of not-complimenting is often a narcissistic game, all about control and devaluing.
So tell him you need to be told you look good. If he ups that game, excellent, problem solved!
If he gives you shit about it, or uses that request to put you down, or doesn’t start letting you know he finds you attractive in verbal as well as sexual ways, then you know. Open your eyes and start looking for other signs of entitlement and selfishness. If you find them, drop him, he’s a jerk.