My new job is really hard. I’m a nurse in a nursing home. I take care of 23 residents for eight hours a day, five days a week. I’ve been working for the floor for three weeks and I’ve already watched four people pass on. I don’t know why, I don’t know these people that well, but when I found out about the fourth person that died, I suddenly felt really overwhelmed. Here I am, in a new environment, living this new life, accepting all of this change, and everything at work, all these people’s lives were changing as well.
It’s really comforting to me to know that I was there for some of these people at the end. I was there to rub their backs and hold their hands. But this job is hard. There’s been a lot of death and everyone is stressed out. A lot of the nurses… It feels like a ‘Trust No Bitch’ environment and I’ve never worked at a place where I don’t really feel like I can trust my team.
I came home after my shift last night and I just distinctly felt like coming home and wanting a person who would care if I died to be there and hold me.
This doesn’t feel existential for me, and I know all of those people I took care of that died, it was their time to go. But I can’t put my finger on why I’m crying.
You’re crying because it’s a perfectly normal emotional reaction to all of that brutally real shit you just described.
When you’re on the floor functioning as a nurse, you have to suppress emotions. It’s not just a part of the job. It’s a part of your role. Combine that with the loneliness of being surrounded by those people all day, plus the new environment, and you’re bound to have a good cry when you get home and crash.
You will cry less and less, because you will get used to things. You will find your place. Your role will become a part of your identity, and you won’t have to suppress as much emotion. In the meantime, know that it’s both necessary and healthy to have that emotional release.
You’re fine. This is all just a part of you growing stronger.