Advice

On your boyfriend’s boner

We’re 3 years in, long distance for half of it, we got through it, and I moved in four months ago. Our relationship is loving, respectful, fun, adventurous, silly. However, he’s recently had trouble keeping it up, and when we talked about it he seemed confused and frustrated. We both want to fuck more, but he said he’s nervous about disappointing me and he’s stuck in a negative feedback loop with himself. I’ve tried to stay positive and patient, but it’s also been awhile since sex has been good. In case it makes a difference, we’re both healthy, athletic and attracted to each other.

Is 30 too young for ED? Should he go to the doctor, or is it time for us to invest in some toys?

 

Well, any time is a good time to invest in some toys. Have at it.

As for your boyfriend the noodle stabber, he should absolutely go to the doctor. It’s good that you’re both healthy and athletic, but erectile dysfunction is still a pretty significant physical symptom for a thirty year old. At the very least, the doctor can throw some Cialis at the problem, and that alone might be enough to reverse the negative feedback loop.

Now, I hate to speculate, but there’s also the distinct possibility that your boyfriend’s secret porn habits have become problematic. Shit happens all the time. Dudes spank it just a little too much a little too often to porn that’s a little too hardcore, and suddenly they’re just a little too desensitized to the real thing. Thus begins the aforementioned negative feedback loop featuring sex with the sad trombone sound followed by a bruised male ego and even more secret porn.

It sucks if I’m right about this, but at the same time, I’d bet a thousand dollars cash money that if your boyfriend went for a solid week without any internet porn, he’d be able to stay solid for you the entire weekend.

Of course, there’s no easy way to broach the topic of your boyfriend’s porn habits, and getting him to commit to a porn diet would be even trickier, but it may well be worth bringing up, especially considering how common this is. (There are entire support groups dedicated just to this problem.)

One thing’s for sure, this ain’t gonna fix itself. You’re gonna have to actually do something. Action is required.

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend’s boner.

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20 thoughts on “On your boyfriend’s boner

  1. A bit high says:

    Could you please give some advice on how to approach your partner’s (secret) porn habits affecting their performance / chemistry without sparking a defensive reaction?

    • Mel V. says:

      Sorry, there’s no magic way to word things that will prevent other people from getting upset. Don’t be an ass, but beyond that, it’s up to them. Go have the difficult conversation. If it ends the relationship, so be it.

  2. Rainbowpony says:

    If you’re four years in, there isn’t any reason to be secretive. Just say that you respect his privacy and you don’t need details, but you wonder if giving up porn for a week might be a good experiment.

    Hell, it’s lent. Are you catholic?

  3. Livvid says:

    Oi. I am so, maybe almost irrationally, scared of what porn is doing to all our pyche’s. I definitely indulge myself when I’m going through a dry spell. But one of my past partners was a self-labeled porn addict and despite admitting it, he still tried to pull some stuff in bed that had me going, “WHAT?! No! You have to ask permission before you do that!” He managed to turn it around on me, saying that me being available for sex often was crucial to him getting off of porn. He, prepare to cringe, called it his “sexual healing.”

    I couldn’t and ultimately refused to compete with the ubiquitous availability of an image on the screen, and that’s what scares me so much, the many embedded lessons that people learn from porn when it shapes their sexuality.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      That sounds less like an issue of porn and more like an issue of him being a coercive asshole. I’m glad you’re not with him anymore.

      • Mel V. says:

        Por que no los dos?

        I mean, people don’t develop that kind of attitude without being an entitled asshole to start with, but porn addictions also do a special kind of harm to people’s ability to have healthy sexual relationships.

      • LIVVID says:

        I don’t disagree with you. He was emotionally manipulative. I also agree with Mel V.’s comment. My anecdote probably points to both. One thing I can say for sure, I would really, really like for us to start having more frank conversations about porn and relationships.

    • WilhelminaMildew says:

      I had a BF alike that back in the 80s, long before the easy availability of Internet porn. He told me that if I didn’t want to have sex 5-6 times a day, every day, it meant I was frigid. My response: ‘WTF? Hell no it doesn’t! Are you fucking nuts?’ I was 19, incredibly horny, & loved sex- ‘frigid’ didn’t apply either clinically or derogatorily. He was just a manipulative, abusive, asshole. Those have existed forever, with or without porn.

  4. Chops says:

    I dont know if the person will read this or not buuuuuuuut here’s a small possiblity: If being active includes a lot of cycling (either road or stationary) then there’s a strong possibility its contributing to the problem.

    Pressure placed on the perineum (between the balls and the asshole) can cause ED.

    Just something that occurred to me when I read the question. If he doesnt cycle a bit, well… yea. Porn diet.

    • Name with a red star next to it says:

      I like to joke to my wife, if a married guy bicyclist has ED, can anyone tell? This is funny to me because I bike commute, and she doesn’t like to get groiny more than once or twice a year. I probably do have into though. Also she doesn’t think it’s funny.

  5. What's normal? says:

    My boyfriend and I are really open about or porn habits, but I’m still curious as to what is normal? He says he watches porn pretty much any day we don’t have sex. We also got to talking about what’s the longest either one of us has ever masturbated for (which for him means watching porn) and he said an hour.

    Is this normal, or should I be concerned? I usually get off to just whatever I’m thinking about and only watch porn max once a month, but it’s more like once every few months.

    • CynicalGrey says:

      It’s not so much the porn, rather the secrecy and lack of communication. My partner and I talk about our porn desires all the time and have incredibly passionate sex/love making. The desensitization comes from mass consumption and lack of self exploration.

      Nothing wrong with porn. There can be quite a big wrong with the type you consume, how often, and your level of openness on the subject.

    • Daffodil says:

      Like with alcohol consumption, there’s no ‘normal’ that applies to everyone, nor is there a number that indicates a problem. The question is if it’s getting in the way of him living his life, and whether it’s putting stress on your relationship. If not, awesome, carry on.

  6. Plagarism says:

    Since this subject can be touchy, have you thought about going camping or taking a vacation to a place with limited internet access for a week? I don’t know your financial situation, but I think this might be a worthwhile trick if the culprit is, in fact, the porn.

  7. Strangely Rational says:

    Please rule out physical causes before jumping to the “too much porn” theory.

    My husband’s testosterone dropped in his 30s, and he wound up with the same problem. Unfortunately, it took a few years before he looked into it, but one blood test and we had our problem: his testosterone was so low that it was surprising that we were able to do it as often as we were.

    First he went on testosterone gel, but that was messy, inconvenient, and not super effective, although it did help some. Then he went on testosterone pellets (Testopel), which are placed under the skin on his hip and last for 3-4 months. The difference was astounding! Soon he was after me like he was a teenager. It’s been awesome.

    • The Coquette says:

      Agreed. Get him to the doctor first. Rule out anything physiological (cardiovascular, hormonal, etc.) before moving on to psychological or environmental factors.

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