On your fat wife.

What’s the best approach to get my wife to lose weight? I’ve done all the obvious tactics, such as offering to work out together, buying a gym club membership, suggesting she try a personal trainer. And I’ve done this is as low-key manner as possible, as casually as possible and as nicely as possible because I like her and because I know this whole thing can backfire. Now, she knows she’s overweight, too, and she’s not happy about it, either. I should say, too, I’m not looking for some kind of gristly Rene Zellwiger silhouette, just to have my wife be within 20 pounds or so of when I met her. So, that’s the surface stuff. The subtext is more gnarly, because, frankly, I don’t like having sex with a seriously overweight woman. My pride is offended, and maybe that’s trivial to other people, but not to me. It counts. But I honestly want to be positive about this because I’d like to get off on having sex with her and hang with her without feeling like yet another loser dude stuck with a hefty chick. I do work out, by the way, and I am within the BMI for my height, but not, you know, Ryan Reynolds buff. So you with the sore abs, what should I do?

Grossed out by sex with your fat wife? Sucks to be you, bro.

For the record, you’re a bit of a superficial douchebag. Everything you wrote about is the surface stuff, and you don’t have the slightest clue how gnarly the subtext really is. That’s okay, though. For the sake of your wife’s health, I’ll throw you a bone.

Let me break you two down quick and dirty. College sweethearts, both former athletes. You got married after graduation. You both wanted to wait to have kids, but she ended up accidentally pregnant within a year or so. Over the course of nine months she ballooned a solid eighty pounds, but after having the baby, somehow the weight just never came off.

It’s scary how I know this shit, right? Wait, it gets worse.

Your wife was in a sorority, and somewhere there’s a box or a photo album with a formal party pic from the Bush administration with you in a tux and her in a gown both grinning like idiots. Go find that picture. Seriously, go get it right now.

Are you looking at it? Good. See how hot your wife looked back then? Yeah well, guess what? She puked her fucking guts out about an hour before that picture was taken. Betcha didn’t know that.

That’s right. Your wife has been struggling with eating disorders her whole life, and this is probably the first moment it has ever occurred to you. Good times.

So, what does this all mean for you? Well, now that she’s married and let herself go, it’s gonna take a lot more than subtle hints and low-key gym memberships to get her back down to crazy weight. You’re not just battling the pounds she added during pregnancy. You’re battling years of self loathing and secret shame.

Obviously, she needs to get her ass to the gym, but beyond that I’d start with couples therapy. No joke. You two have a lot to talk about, and quite frankly, you’re a bit too dense to handle this on your own.

Trust me, you want to be in a safe place before you tell your wife that she’s too fat to fuck, and when the dam finally breaks on her inner turmoil, you’ll be thanking me that there was a professional in the room.

Good luck.


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