My mom is dying. How do I avoid existential crisis? How do I stop being such a sour bitch to the people around me? How do I put my game face on and continue to show up to life when I don’t fucking want to, without medicating with red wine? Will I ever feel normal again?
Also: New relationship of 3 months. He says I’m not burdening him, but I’m not myself. I feel like a goddamn drag most of the time.
Tell me everything is going to be OK.
Everything is not going to be okay. Your mom is dying.
Then again, it’s okay that everything’s not going to be okay. You’re supposed to be miserable, and you’re not supposed to be yourself. What you’re experiencing isn’t an existential crisis. That’s not what’s happening. The death of a parent is its own unique kind of trauma, and your grief process has already started.
Everything you’re feeling is part of that process, and your instincts are correct, you do still have to show up for life even though you don’t fucking want to, and you do need to avoid being a sour bitch to people around you. There is no trick to it. You have to drag your ass out of bed every morning and put on a big fake smile for the rest of the world. As for medicating with red wine, don’t let it become a habit, but this is gonna be one of those periods when it happens. Just keep it under control.
Also, the relationship is tricky, especially at three months. On the one hand, I highly recommend you use every available shoulder to cry on, but at the same time, be very careful about falling in love right now. You would be shocked at how many people suddenly find themselves married soon after the death of a parent, and then a year or two later wonder what in the fuck were they thinking. I’m not kidding. That’s a thing that really happens.
The key to all of this is to let yourself grieve. You gotta feel all that horrible shit. You can’t go around it, and you can’t stay where you are. You have to go through it, and you have to come out the other side. You are facing one of the most painful and difficult experiences of your life, and it’s going to suck. The only way to make it suck any less is to accept the grieving process itself in the same way that you’ll have to accept your mother’s death.
Oh, and if it helps, you will feel normal again one day. It won’t come until well after your mother is gone, and even then, you will never feel quite the same. It will be a new normal, but you will get there. It will take time, but eventually you will be okay.