Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

When you talk about love, I feel like it’ll never be possible for me. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you, but you should ask yourself one question: Why do you feel like love will never be possible? When you can clearly answer why, write it down. Pin it up on the wall and stare at it. That answer is not you. That answer is your enemy. That answer and all of its triggers and sources are everything you should rail against and reject. Now pull that answer down off your wall and light it on fire. Fuck that shit.

I have daddy issues. He has mommy issues. How do we capitalize on this kinky shit without forging a disturbing codependency?
Your use of “kinky” implies that the daddy/mommy thing is playing out in your sex lives. If that’s all it is, you two are fine. (Well suited for one another, actually.) If it’s more than just kink, and your respective parental issues are about enmeshment, then codependency might become a problem. Just watch out for unhealthy patterns of behavior that you recognize from your respective families, and if you catch yourselves becoming your parents, maybe jump into a little couples counseling before things get out of hand.

Does “nice guy with an edge” exist? Where do I find him?
Don’t look for a nice guy. Look for a good man. And what the fuck is an edge? Seriously. Do you want him to ride motorcycles? Do you want him to slap you around a little in bed? Do you want him to be an unpredictable asshole because you’re bored easily and crave chaos? Shit, I don’t know what you’re into. Figure yourself out first and then come at me with something other than a meaningless cliché.

With all this talk of cities, may I ask what you think of Montreal? And what do you think it would take to make a move from Chicago to Montreal not a completely stupid idea?
Okay, first of all, why would you move to a French speaking city that isn’t Paris? Second of all, why would you leave Chicago for a place where the weather is even shittier? Third of all, if you’re gonna move to Canada, why wouldn’t you live in either Toronto or Vancouver? I mean, Montreal? Okay. You must have your reasons, but I don’t know what you want me to tell you.

Was I more lovable when I was skinny?
No, no, no. Stop thinking like that. The moment you equate your conformity to conventional beauty standards with your worthiness of love, you are well and truly fucked.

If you were out hunting and your shot happened to accidentally and unfortunately hit somebody in the face, who would you rather have as the recipient: Dick Cheney or Karl Rove?
Cheney. That’s not even a hard question.

I’m not a fan of republicans and I don’t like Jeb Bush, so why do I feel sorry for him?
Because he’s a sad little goober, and you’re very empathetic.

Bernie or Hillary? Why?
Because the alternatives are Trump or Cruz.

wait so *are* you advocating voting for hillary to keep a republican out of the white house? please go on.
Of course I am. I’m voting for Bernie in the primaries, but I’m happy to vote for Hillary in the general if/when she gets the nomination. It’s not just to keep a Republican out of the White House. Hillary is more qualified to be an American President than any other candidate in this entire election cycle. I like Bernie’s ideas better, but Hillary is a fucking boss. She would do an amazing job.


36 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Lucie says:

    If you talk like this about MTL it’s because you’ve never been and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop with the clichés.

  2. Lauren's Got Something To Say says:

    Obviously Paris is better than Montréal. But maybe don’t compare Canadian cities to Paris; we will always lose. I’ve lived in both Paris and Montréal, and if you’re ever going to move to MTL, now might be the time because our Canadian dollar is so shit. If I were you, I’d move to B.C. because the weed is great, people are nice, and you have proximity to mountains and ocean.

    Sidenote, based on her response I guess we can rule out MTL from the list of possible cities CQ lives in. We can also rule out Toronto because no decent person who’s lived in Toronto would ever recommend living in Toronto.

  3. Eva says:

    ‘The moment you equate your conformity to conventional beauty standards with your worthiness of love, you are well and truly fucked.’

    I need this on my wall or something. I’d consider a tattoo except maybe one day I won’t need to be reminded of this.

  4. coskel says:

    re: Was I more lovable when I was skinny?
    No, no, no. Stop thinking like that.

    I used to be 36-24-36 (5’7″) back when I was under 30. I’m now (mumble over 45 mumble) and men find me MUCH sexier even though I am sporting measurements that are closer to 44-30-44.

    And its because I know who I am, what I like, what I don’t like and the humor to know the difference. I don’t know your orientation so i will use mine, but men like women who are comfortable in their own skin. That shit is SEXAY all day and all night. And also loveable. Insecurity is not loveable.

    And for the record, I’m not even talking about sex, I’m talking about being YOU. Usually this wisdom comes with age, but you can hurry the process by becoming more self-aware.

  5. Brian says:

    You’re right, Hilary is the most qualified candidate running for the 2016 presidential election. I respect all of your views Coquette, and in the last 3 years of reading your advice column I’ve only disagreed with a very small percentage.

    That being said:

    This world is not geared or ready for a woman to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world. And this isn’t me being sexist or demeaning. On a personal level I’m all for whatever, live and let live, have a vagina, have a dick, have both, who cares, it’s completely random and shouldn’t impact politics. But it does impact politics.

    The world at large is a man’s world. I’m strictly pointing out the reality, and somewhere inside someone as smart as you must already know this. Do you think other world leaders will respect Hilary the same way they’d respect a man? Do you think she won’t be snickered at and/or demeaned both privately and publically? Sure, she already is, as are all politicians but I’m talking serious, beyond late night television and satire. It would be a utter shit show if a woman was the pinnacle figurehead for America. Can you imagine her in a room with Putin, or the various leaders of the Middle East, or Asia? It wouldn’t work. And because most Americans (woman included) aren’t in denial of this truth, I will flat say it: Hilary will not become president of the United States.

    I’m sure somebody’s blood is boiling while reading this. That’s not my intention. The idea of a fair world where we all respect one another is truly beautiful, unfortunately it’s equally fantastical (sorry John Lennon fans), and it’s not how things work within today’s real politics.

      • Brian says:

        Yeah, not trolling, Coquette. I’d prefer a proper rebuttal now. Here’s some repeated viewpoints you can kindle: A woman will not be President of the USA from 2016-2020. Even if Hilary is nominated, the other candidate will win as if it were by default, even if the race looks close or is reported close. IF Hillary does become President (00.1% chance) that will be wonderful in terms of human progress, and I’m being genuine here. The biggest problem though, is the disconnect, during this juncture our world doesn’t identify with or understand a woman leading America. I’d even say Hilary as president could prove harmful to America, in a multifaceted way. We’ve made leaps and bounds in the last 75+ years, Coquette. Give it another 10, or 20. My opinion will change when the world does.

        And Rocketgrunt, please spare me. That list and those titles are not in the same stratosphere as the President of the United States of America.

        • The Coquette says:

          I’m willing to forgive this ridiculous opinion if you tell me you’re voting for Hillary should she win the nomination. Otherwise, you don’t get show up here describing a problem with our world, when really, the problem is with the way you think.

          • Brian says:

            Fair enough. But only if it’s Hilary Vs Trump, or Candidate Vs Trump. I’ll vote against Trump, cause he’s a pseudo-businessman and professional caricature, a celebrity, a clown. Otherwise I don’t give enough of a shit, or truly believe in the systems integrity to even bother voting. I call it like I see it.

            Apologies for shattering your hopes of a better world by remaining observationally accurate. I never pegged you as the type to wear the little “I Voted!” sticker or button with smugness, but the vibe I’m picking up on tells me you’re exactly that. Don’t forget to Instagram it and post that to Facebook…christ.

          • The Coquette says:

            I literally bragged about wearing my “I Voted” stickers over my nipples like pasties. I posted a photo of myself voting for Obama. I take my citizenship seriously for very personal reasons. Apologies for shattering your hopes that I’m a disillusioned cynic.

    • grouch says:

      If Hillary wins, then all those cunts will have to learn to respect a woman. It’s as simple as that, she’ll be the one with the power.

  6. Future Québécoise says:

    Montreal is closer to home/friends/family than Europe; I belong to a professional organization that spans both the US and Canada; I love winter and cold and snow; I speak and love French; I find Québécois delightfully weird; I love listening to code-switching.

    I was just wondering if it was worth the immigration progress. But your response made me laugh out loud and, oddly, bolstered my drive. Thanks, CQ!

  7. Alice says:

    Coquette, regarding the “skinny” question: Have you ever been overweight? I find weight-related self-esteem, emotional and social issues are very difficult to understand unless you’ve been there.

    • J Lynn says:

      Here’s my take:
      Thinness is absolutely a status symbol in our society, and fattism is real. According to our society’s conventional male gaze, thinness also signifies conformity and obedience in women (if not overridden by a specific nonconformist signal like apparent queerness).

      However, status and conformity are far different things from being “lovable,” whether platonically, romantically or sexually. Like Coke said.

      I’m fat and have occasionally been thin, so speaking from my experience.

      • Alice says:

        Not lovability, but let’s say it’s some sort of barrier to achieving things: I find that, ceteris paribus, 20 pounds make a lot of difference in my professional, social and romantic life. I don’t notice my weight loss until these positive things start happening, so it definitely isn’t a change in attitude. That’s why I always find advice about changing one’s attitude/perception towards being overweight lopsided, as most times it comes from people who haven’t experienced it and can’t imagine what a difference it makes.

  8. The Derpy Bear says:

    Hey if Americans can vote for a black president then they sure as shit can vote for a female one.

    Are there many Americans that truly believe that Trump could actually become president? I am Canadian and just see the pieces of this election that my American friends have been sharing.

    Seriously though,…America, please do not let him become president.

  9. grouch says:

    Toronto over MTL? You’re out of your mind. Have you been to any of those cities?

    Vancouver is eh. Expensive as fuck, can be as hipster as you like, but Montreal has half the rent of Toronto as well as half the stink, an international airport, and better bakeries.

  10. Lin says:

    Shit, Montreal over Toronto or Van any day.

    Don’t move to Vancouver, no one but expat millionaires can afford housing here.

    Who the fuck can afford to just up and move to Paris?

  11. Chantal says:

    I live in Montreal and repeat the Coquette’s advice to stay the hell away. Fun city to visit, not so much to live. If it wasn’t for family ties keeping me here, I’d have been gone for years. Mind you – my French stinks, so if yours is good, you’ll probably have a better shot at being successful here.

  12. J Lynn says:

    Hi Coquette, a while back you said you actively preferred Hillary over Bernie. Now it seems you (at least somewhat) prefer Bernie. What ideas/attributes shifted your preference, if you want to say?

    As for myself, I like both for different reasons (and I have reservations about each) but I probably won’t have to choose as my state’s primary is towards the end of the season.

  13. Joe S says:

    Having lived in Chicago for 5 years and Montreal for 1 (plus an additional 6 months of “tourism”) I will say my choice is Montreal. Hands down.

    The winter may be colder, and the snow deeper, but the weather is not shittier. The winter scenery stays prettier in Montreal more than it does in gray, sludgy Chicago. The people stay more active and get outdoors and make the most of every clear and sunny sky we get. There is greenery everywhere.

    There’re a million free things to do all year ’round that are amazing. Piknik Electronique, Francopholies, Jazz fest, Igloofest, Nuit Blanche, Saturday night fireworks, Sunday tam tams, ice skating, sledding, and of course just plain walking/bikng/running/cross country skiing/snowshoeing up Mount Royal herself.

    It’s an incredibly walkable city. You can walk to EVERYWHERE from ANYWHERE. And almost every street is another beautiful, pleasant scene.

    The culture is much more active and positive and laid back, it’s not weighed down with midwest protestant work ethics. The parks are always full all day and night with friends playing, talking, laughing, drinking, living.

    I am applying for permanent residency as we speak. Eventually I will go for dual citizenship. I am interviewing for a job this Friday. I even have “a guy” there who cuts my hair, I don’t trust anyone else to do it since before seeing him no one ever commented on my haircuts.

    I love Montreal. Moving there changed my life. Moving to Chicago changed my life, too, but my Montreal experience and the extremely solid friendships I made there opened me up to an entirely new world.

    Quite literally, in fact, I am on a plane back from Salvador, Brazil, because one day I just happened to answer the right craigslist ad for a roommate in the plateau. That roommate became my brother and the people he introduced me to bring out the best in me.

    If you look at Montreal on a map you’ll notice it’s shaped and situated much like the heart of North America. It certainly beats for me.

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