I am seventeen and lost my virginity a few months ago, when I was still sixteen. I lost it to my boyfriend, who I love very much and have not regretted it at all since it happened. Of course, I didn’t tell my mom right away to avoid the awkwardness and just because I felt it really wasn’t her business. A few weeks ago, I did finally tell her and what ensued was the most awkward, hurtful conversation ever which had me feeling like a worthless slut and for the first time having doubts about losing it. She still makes offhand comments that hurt, and I don’t know how to respond. Was I wrong for what I did? And how do I get her to respect me more again, and not treat me like a criminal for losing my virginity?
Ugh. It really fucking hurts to be slut shamed by your own mother. Let me be loud and clear about this: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
You were ready to become sexually active. You made a thoughtful, conscious decision to have sex with a loving partner, and you don’t have any regrets about your first time. Well played, kiddo. You did a better job than most.
Obviously, your mom wasn’t ready for you to become sexually active, but you know what? That shit ain’t up to her. She reacted poorly, and whatever her reasons, it was wrong of her to make you feel worthless for having sex.
Your mother isn’t perfect. Those hurtful comments she’s making are merely an expression of her own internalized misogyny. She seems to believe that sex can somehow devalue you as a person, and that’s total bullshit.
Do your best to forgive your mother for fucking this up. Whatever her issues are, they don’t have to become yours. Try and recognize that she’s the one who failed here. I know you feel like you’re the one who needs to earn back her respect, but really, she’s the one who needs to earn back yours.