This holiday season is killing me.

For some reason, this year the Christmas lights and the shoppers and the music are bothering me more than they ever have.

I told my mom I didn’t like Christmas anymore and she just started crying, so I can’t realistically renounce the holiday…

Do I just need to get over myself and go with it?

Apologize to your mother. Tell her you were in a bad mood, and you didn’t know what you were saying, because you didn’t.

Feel free to remain disgusted with the tacky decorations and crass commercialism and cheesy music, because that shit is awful. It always was and always will be. That’s not Christmas. Well, it is, but that’s not what you’re going to define as Christmas, okay?

Your mom could give two shits about the shopping and the lights too. She wasn’t crying because you aren’t excited about going to the mall. She was crying because the holidays are an emotionally overwhelming time for everyone, and she can see your teen angst coming a mile away.

She took it personally when you said you didn’t like Christmas anymore, because in her mind, Christmas is about family. You were rejecting her with that statement, even though you didn’t mean to. Trust me, all she wants is some quality time and a little tradition. She’s worried that she’s losing you, and she’s about had it with your shitty attitude.

Redefine Christmas in your head. Only keep the good stuff. Separate out all the tacky bullshit. Seriously, kid. Do you blame the band for the annoying crowds and horrible traffic after a concert? Fuck no. You can bitch about it, but it has nothing to do with the show. Same rules apply here.

Renounce the crowds. Renounce the music. Hell, renounce Christ if you want, but don’t go around renouncing the importance of the holidays. Family tradition is more important than you’re capable of understanding at your age. There’s no way to say that without sounding condescending, so fuck it. Would it kill you to plaster on a smile and make your mom happy?

I didn’t think so.

I recently became a cam girl. It’s fucking awesome. I get paid lots of money for very little work and it’s great to have guys ADORE my body.

I let three people know about this, all close friends of mine. One of them is someone who once had her own naked Tumblr, so I thought she of all people would “”get it.”” But she’s actually being kind of a bitch about it. When I text her to tell her that I made this much money or that I had a really nice chat, she’s like “”Nice.”” That’s it. One-worded response.

What is her damage? She showed off her tits and ass to the world of Tumblr, now I’m showing off my bod to the world of ImLive. Why is she acting this way, and how do I get her to stop?

Your friend didn’t tell you to fuck off. She said, “Nice.” Seriously, bitch, what do you want? A fucking cookie?

Bragging about how much money you make is tacky no matter how you earn it, and if you can’t tell the difference between having a naked tumblr and having anonymous masturbation sessions with strangers on the internet for money, then you need a refresher course in whoredom.

Sell your ass if you want, but recognize that just because your friends don’t judge you for it, that doesn’t mean they want to hear about it. Have some fucking discretion.

If one of your girls expresses interest in your cam work, feel free to regale her with tales of how some creep in Blue Ball, Pennsylvania paid extra to watch you shove your underwear up your pussy. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and do your job like everyone else.

I’d think that the idea that one is at the center of the universe is a far worse delusion than belief in a supernatural deity.

In a universe as infinitely vast as the one in which we live, the irrational belief that any supernatural deity would give the slightest fuck about your pathetic existence is the very essence of putting oneself at the center of it.

I was reading some of your posts from the last few months and I see that in some of them you mention Rene Descartes and i also see that you seem absolutely certain that there is no god. Now if there is one thing i cant stand on this planet it is religous cunts that abandon reason, that being said, i still feel that there is reason to think that there could be a possibility of some diety like god or even the existence of god. I am a freshman in college and am taking my first philosophy class and as far as i have learned, knowledge is justified true belief. So i was just wondering how you could be completely certain that god doesnt exist? Love your blog, thanks for writing.

I don’t need to be completely certain that god doesn’t exist. It’s not my responsibility to make the case either way.

The burden of proof for the existence of a supernatural deity rests entirely on the believers, and all they’re offering up is irrational, unjustifiable claims. In other words, they’re just making shit up.

That’s fine, but I’m under no obligation to pay one bit of attention to any of it. As Hitchens put it, “that which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.”

You may feel there’s a reason to think that there could be a possibility of some deity-like god, but what the fuck does that even mean? At a certain point, you have to admit to yourself that it’s a ponderous academic exercise in philosophical singularity. It’s all just bullshit.

Again, that’s fine. It’s nice to get out and stretch a bit, spiritually speaking. Still, at the end of the day, if you believe in revealed knowledge from a supernatural deity, you are suffering from humanity’s worst delusion.

What’s the difference between a whore and a prostitute?

Whores put a price on their principles for personal gain. Prostitutes just put a price on sex. People who think prostitutes are whores are the kind of people whose principles are based between their legs.

There’s some crappy movie I can’t recall that nonetheless has a quote that has stuck with me: San Francisco is for people with talent but no ambition. Los Angeles is for people with ambition but no talent. New York is for people with talent AND ambition. Thoughts?

It’s a snarky way for New Yorkers to reinforce their narcissism while calling San Franciscans lazy and Los Angelenos vapid. Here, I can do one too:

San Francisco is for people who are ugly but not mean. Los Angeles is for people who are mean but not ugly. New York is for people who are both mean and ugly.

See how easy that is?

Whatever. At least nobody’s arguing about the cities that matter.

Hey Coketalk, first time caller here. So I was offered $780 for my virginity from a guy I have never met. Should I consider this? I mean, I just want to lose my virginity and be done with it, but then again I’d be a whore.

You’d be a prostitute, not a whore, and while $780 is an average take for a private dancer doing an hour at a bachelor party in Vegas, it’s kind of a low rent offer for your virginity.

Come on, didn’t you see the movie Taken? If you’re certified pure, that ass is worth a helluva lot more than seven hundred and change on the black market.

It’s also a really strange number. Seven hundred and eighty? Was it gonna be eight hundred, but then he ordered a pizza? What the fuck?

Listen, kiddo. I highly recommend you ignore not only this offer, but all subsequent communication from this creep. He’s not just trying to buy sex. He’s trying to buy your innocence. That’s fucked up. It’s predatory and twisted, and you don’t want anything to do with someone that unhealthy.

Sure, you want to lose your virginity. It’s a natural part of the human condition, but doing it just to get it over with is lazy and dumb.

There aren’t that many firsts in life with this much psychic magnitude over which you have total control. For someone with self-respect, it’s an opportunity for exploration and growth.

It doesn’t have to be double rainbow special, but don’t waste it. Don’t sell it either. Honestly, sweetie, if you don’t know what something is worth, it’s probably best not to put a price on it.

“It’s called style. Have some.” Okay, I don’t have any and I want some. How do I get it?

Okay. You’ve inspired me. I’ve started a style blog.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

I swear you must shit gold nuggets.

No, but after some of the birth control I’ve been on, there’s a distinct possibility that I’m laying golden eggs.