Advice

On Bill, Ben, and Sam

Opinions of Sam Harris and Ben Affleck on Bill Maher the other night? Every time I see a comment in support of Ben Affleck a little part of my hope for the human race dies. Why was Ben Affleck on there at all? Waste of air!


Ben Affleck was there to promote his stubble… I mean, his latest movie… and to his credit, Ben is usually much more well informed and articulate than most of the Hollywood fameballs Bill Maher uses to round out his panel.

I like Ben, although I happen to disagree with his sanctimonious reaction to Bill’s overly simplistic characterization of Islam. Both of them should have shut the fuck up and let Sam Harris finish a goddamn sentence, because Sam was the only one bringing anything of substance to the table. Sam Harris made the most salient point of the show when he said the following:

“Liberals have really failed on the topic of theocracy. They’ll criticize white theocracy. They’ll criticize Christians. They’ll still get agitated over the abortion clinic bombing that happened in 1984, but when you want to talk about the treatment of women and homosexuals and free thinkers and public intellectuals in the Muslim world, I would argue that liberals have failed us, and the crucial point of confusion is that we have been sold this meme of Islamophobia, where criticism of the religion gets conflated with bigotry towards Muslims as people. It’s intellectually ridiculous.”

The problem with Ben’s hostile response, however good his intentions, is that he immediately proved Sam’s entire point. By insinuating that Bill Maher and Sam Harris were racist bigots, Ben elegantly demonstrated exactly the kind of liberal failure Sam was describing.

Sam Harris was right. He is right. “We have to be able to criticize bad ideas,” he later said, and “Islam at this moment is the motherlode of bad ideas.”

Again, he’s right, and a solid line has to be drawn between rational criticism of contemporary Islamic theocracy and the kind of ignorant bigotry against Muslim people we too often see coming from the xenophobic Fox News contingent. It’s a huge distinction that Ben Affleck and all the people applauding him continually refuse to acknowledge.

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Advice

On a woman’s choice

I haven’t told the father of the fetus I’m carrying that I’m pregnant. I know he’ll pressure me to keep the thing and I can’t imagine how angry he’d be if I aborted it. Is that justification for not telling him? We’ve been friends for so long and I’d hate to lie to him, but I don’t want to have a baby.

You don’t want to have a baby. That’s it. That’s all. That’s the only thing that matters. You don’t have to tell him — now or ever — and there’s no need for any justification. This is your choice. Not his.

(You probably will tell him at some point in the future, but don’t worry about that right now. If he won’t support your decision, go do what you gotta do first. Your health and well-being are the only priority. His opinions on the matter don’t even make the list.)

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Best-Of Advice

On normal happy people

Do normal people exist? I don’t mean heteronormative people—just people who are emotionally stable, have no underlying neuroses, and aren’t secretly in a world of pain/self-doubt. Are those people real or are they a universally accepted fiction?


You’re not asking if normal people exist. You’re asking if happy people exist. The answer is yes, of course they do, but people aren’t static. Neither is pain and self-doubt.

Happiness (or normality or stability — whatever you want to call it) isn’t a permanent gift granted to a select and steady few. It may be found more easily for some than others, but it’s all still just a transitory phase.

Every emotional state, stable or otherwise, is impermanent. It’s all a shifting, flowing, ever-changing hot mess of pleasure and pain, neuroses and normative behavior. Happiness is fleeting, but then again, so is suffering.

Yes, there are plenty of people out there today who are emotionally stable with no underlying neuroses who aren’t secretly in a world of pain or self-doubt, but they weren’t all that way yesterday, and it won’t all be the same people tomorrow.

Your path to being among them is in recognizing that it’s not some country club that you get to join by virtue of any birthright or accomplishment. Happiness isn’t something you achieve. It’s something you discover, and it’s a discovery that can be stumbled upon again and again, depending largely on your ability to be mindful in the present moment.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is it normal to be nervous about life?
Yes. (The trick isn’t to not be nervous. The trick is to not be normal.)

Long-distance love or local getting laid?
What is this “or” you speak of?

I need a watch as a status symbol (don’t judge, it’s a work thing). Any recommendations?
Recognize that you have no status, realign your priorities in life, and choose a watch that fits your personal style.

How can someone use drugs such as coke and molly recreationally without getting addicted to them?
How can someone use a swimming pool recreationally without drowning?

Do you want to have kids someday?
Not nearly as much as I want people to quit asking me this question.

Is accepting money for a green card marriage unamerican?
It’s illegal, but who gives a shit? Fuck the system and don’t get caught. That’s about as American as it gets.

Where is the line between having needs and being needy?
You cross the line from having needs into being needy the moment you start believing your needs are someone else’s responsibility.

Did you watch SNL’s season opener? Do you think it has finally starting to fall apart? It was so painful to watch.
Something was up with the technical direction of the show. The jokes were there, but the timing was consistently off by a fraction of a second, and it was enough to poison the comedy. Don’t worry. They’ll find the flow again.

What is some advice for someone who is single and in their mid 20’s, when it feels like everyone is getting married/moving in together etc?
Chill. What you’re noticing is the first iteration in what will become a pattern that repeats itself every few years. Some of the relationships will last. Most won’t, so don’t be in a rush to couple up, especially if it’s for no better reason than all your friends are doing it.

What’s worth fighting for?
Fighting is easy. Ask yourself what’s worth suffering for instead.

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Best-Of Advice

On the hunger

Have you ever lost the hunger? You seem like someone who consumes everything and delights in it all. But have you ever lost it, for even a period of time? If so, how did you get it back? Is the hunger of discovery and experience something that can be taught or practiced without being born with it?

I lose the hunger all the time. Right now, for instance. August left my body sore and my soul polluted. I’m spiritually exhausted, and the strength it takes to recover borrows from the hunger.

It’s not all that unpleasant. It’s not much of anything really, a sort of constant state of anhedonia. Nothing tastes. Nothing touches. Words come out of me, but I don’t recognize them. I’m just here, making a bunch of gestures and signs, interacting with a world I can’t feel.

It’s okay, though. I’ve done this many times. I’m comfortable with the ebb and flow of my emotional well-being. It’s a delicate sine wave, the amplitude and frequency of which I’ve learned to observe from a distance without needing to control it in the moment.

I have enough perspective to recognize the balance. I know better than to course correct with chemicals or consumerism. I don’t wanna fuck up my curve, because I know the hunger comes back.

It’s not up to me, but it always comes back. The trick is in giving up that control, in fully accepting that it’s not up to me, in knowing that nothing is or ever was up to me in the first place, and that it’s all gonna be okay, even if it’s not.

I’ll let you know when I’m hungry again.

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Best-Of Advice

On being easy

Some advice: if you fuck on the first-date, he probably won’t come back for a second. If the sex was hot and he does come back enjoy becoming fuck-buddies, because by fucking on the first-date, you’ve essentially told him by your actions: “I’m easy and definitely not the type of girl you’ll be wanting to take-home or marry, because anyone who I find attractive and who picks up the bill, I’ll let fuck me.”
 

I’m glad that you read my twitter, and I can appreciate the brass balls it takes to offer someone like me unsolicited advice, but honey, not only are you in way over your head, you’re also wrong about life. I fuck who I fuck when I fuck because I wanna fuck, and I don’t give a flying fuck whether the people I fuck think I’m the marrying type. That doesn’t make me easy. That makes me hard.

I am the one in command of my own sexual virtue. I am the one who defines that virtue. No one else gets a say in it — not you, not the world, and certainly not some guy I allowed the privilege of fucking me on the first date.

Everything you believe to be true about sexual virtue is a tragic lie instilled in you by a misogynistic, patriarchal culture that is fundamentally terrified of female sexuality, and that bullshit needs to be systematically unlearned. I’d feel sorry for you if you weren’t making yourself part of the problem by spreading around this kind of ignorant, regressive poison.

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Advice

On knowing when it’s over

My boyfriend of a 7 year rocky relationship has given me a horrible ultimatum. He is choosing to not accompany me to a concert for financial, transportation and probably personality issues. If I choose to go without him, he moves out. What do I do?

This isn’t a real ultimatum, because the relationship is already over. It ended some time ago, but neither of you are ready to formally acknowledge it yet.

He’s too much of a pussy to just break up with you, and this lame attempt at manipulation is his way of trying to force your hand.

This isn’t about some stupid concert. Fuck that shit. It doesn’t matter whether you go, but whatever else happens, know that it’s over and that your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend should start moving out right away.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I just graduated from a top college with no debt, a bit of money saved, no boyfriend, and no ties to any city. What would you do?
Have a cookie, and then go get a fucking job.

Is it wrong or inappropriate of me to ask someone I’m dating to get an std check before having sex with them?
There’s nothing wrong with asking, but it does require some tact.

It seems that the general consensus is that if someone cheats on you, they don’t love you. But isn’t the real problem that they don’t respect you?
You’re assuming that the cheating has anything to do with you in the first place. It might, of course, but the real problem with cheaters isn’t in whether they love or respect you. The real problem is in the fact that they are untrustworthy and don’t have any integrity.

What’s your favorite Bible passage to roll up in a quick joint?
Revelation 18:9, although pretty much anything from Revelations will do.

I feel fairly certain my boyfriend is fucking his male best friend. I know it sounds crazy… which is why I really can’t say it out loud. What do I do?
It doesn’t sound crazy. Gather what evidence you have, and calmly ask him whether he’s ever had any sexual contact with his friend. Regardless of the answer, be prepared for your relationship to end.

In your post “On black market economics,” you said that “you write with an Australian accent. I can almost hear this guy mansplaining.” Just curious to know if you think that Australian men mansplain more than others. This is coming from an Australian woman, concerned that she’s tolerating more mansplaining than she should because she’s normalised so much of it.
I’m not sure whether Australian men mansplain more, but drunk men certainly do, so that’s probably the correlation.

What is it about Burning Man that makes me so fucking angry?
I dunno. Maybe it’s the fundamental bourgeois hypocrisy of all that privileged self-indulgence. Maybe it’s the insufferable faux-counterculture aesthetic. Then again, maybe you’re just angry because you don’t understand it. Maybe you should find a way to go next year. Maybe you’ll figure it all out on the Playa.

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Best-Of Advice

On a real asshole

Assholes have to come from somewhere. And its well known that American women, especially, have a preference for Alphas and Betas who, in our dog-eat-dog, laissez-faire socio-economic climate, are naturally and neccesarily Assholes. They in turn have kids that turn out to be, you guessed it, assholes. If women were to be less alpha-seeking there would in turn be fewer assholes. If they were to be more alpha-seeking there would in turn be more assholes. Direct correlation and causation. That “misogynist hate speech” Is true whether you like it or not.


You submitted this ignorant turd of a response twenty-three times in a row. Hell, you were still submitting it as I posted this. Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is? Ugh. You’re a creepy creeping creep. Know that about yourself.

You’re also just plain wrong, and you don’t get to claim that your misogynistic point of view is well known. In fact, whenever you feel the self-satisfied urge to use the phrase “it’s well known,” just substitute the phrase “creeps believe” so that at least you’ll be telling the truth.

Now, as for what you creeps believe, please just stop. You’re wrong, not just on the face of things, but deep down to the core of your very being. You’re wrong at such a fundamental level, that even bothering to pick apart the wrongness of your conclusions is a waste of everyone’s fucking time.

Your argument is a jumble of failed logic and self-righteous frustration that hinges on the ridiculous notion that being an asshole is some kind of hereditary taxonomic distinction. It’s not.

For instance, you’re an asshole. Where did you come from? Is it because your mother had a preference for alphas? (Alpha and beta are ethological terms that none of you idiots ever use properly, by the way.) No, you’re not an asshole because your mother has a preference for alphas. That’s insane. You’re an asshole because you walk around with a sense of entitlement with regard to women, and when women don’t treat you how you feel you deserve to be treated, you blame everyone except the loser in the mirror.

You wanna know where real assholes come from? Real assholes are the end result of misogynistic belief systems like the one you so desperately need to be true. Real assholes are the ones who think they’re the put-upon “nice guys” who never realize how fundamentally disrespectful they are to women. Real assholes listen to the absurd rantings of uber-assholes like Stefan Molyneux and then use his angry shit-stack of pseudo-sociological nonsense to try and justify all their simmering narcissistic rage.

You, sir, are a real asshole.

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Advice

On misogynistic hate speech

Stefan Molyneux, a Canadian philosopher, says that the reason there are so many assholes in this world is because women keep procreating with assholes. He says if women chose better men, the world would be a better place. I’m offended by this theory, and I’m amazed at the following he has garnered given that all his other ideas are whack too. I suck at arguing, and was wondering what you would have to say about a theory like that.


Please don’t give Stefan Molyneux credibility by calling him a philosopher. He’s more of a wannabe cult leader, a sort of fraudulent pseudo-philosopher with poisonous ideas for weak-minded libertarian narcissists.

Of course, Molyneux’s ideas are also violently misogynistic. In fact, I would classify a good portion of Molyneux’s rantings as overt hate speech. He’s a repulsive and angry little man who suffers from a particularly virulent strain of Nice Guy Syndrome, and his toxic ideas aren’t even worthy of a response.

If you’re in the mood for an impassioned rebuttal to Molyneax’s disgusting remarks, watch this YouTube video by Matt Binder and Michael Brooks.

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