Advice

On family boundaries

My parents kicked my 17 year old sister out of the house after they found out she’s been fucking a 30 year old wannabe poet with white guy dreadlocks. Now I have a teenager sleeping on my couch and eating all my food. I love her, but I’m not playing anyones mommy. It’s been two weeks and neither my parents or sister has shown any sign of budging. How do I get my sister off my couch and back to my parents?


She’s seventeen. Drive her the fuck back to the house, walk her through the front door, and tell your shitty parents that they can’t legally kick her out until her next birthday. If they don’t like it, then they can help your idiot sister find a job and a place to live where she can start paying rent. In the meantime, you’re done babysitting.

Set some fucking boundaries with your parents and your sister. It won’t be pleasant, but it will be worthwhile. Family is family, but you should never feel obligated to let their poor life decisions blow back on you.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

Why am I so bored of getting out of bed, taking showers, brushing my teeth, eating, socializing, music, television, internet and basically everything? Ugh.
Because that’s your list of basically everything.

Coquette, why I am so terribly afraid of the future?
Because you think it exists.

My dad isn’t willing to change his abusive and manipulative behaviors, so why does it scare me so much that he could die when we aren’t on speaking terms?
Because you still think your father’s behavior is a matter of will.

I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time now. I know that he loves me too… why aren’t we saying it out loud?!?!
Because you’re so desperate for it.

I just boned one of my guy friends that I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s also my boyfriend’s best friend. The sex sucked. Why am I still walking around with a huge smile on my face?
Because you’re an emotionally crippled chaos junkie.

Why does my live-in boyfriend masturbate in the shower when he could fuck a very real, willing human —me!— instead?
Because it’s not always about you.

Why does seeing a picture of my ex’s new girl pop up on social media make me feel nauseous?
Because you’re not over your ex.

Why do I feel intimidated by you?
Because you’re weak.

Why does everything seem so scary?
Because fear makes you a better consumer.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

How would you differentiate between arrogance and narcissism?
Someone who is arrogant acts like they are the better person. Someone who is narcissistic acts like they are the only person.


Why is it that so many people are happy eating meat but act like dog fighting is the most evil thing imaginable?
Meat is delicious, and dog fighting is terribly cruel. Don’t act like you can’t recognize the difference between the humane slaughter of livestock for food and the barbaric torture of animals for sport.


What do you do when your closest friend doesn’t reach out when she knows you’re having a tough time? I’m out of sight, out of mind.
How tough a time could it be if what you’re really complaining about is a lack of attention? Quit whining and call your shitty friend. If she’s still not there for you, take the fucking hint and adjust who she is to you.


What do you think about True Detective?
Time really is a flat circle. Enjoy not knowing about the Yellow King for as long as possible.


Why, if I don’t believe in Christianity, do I still fear that there may be a chance that hell exists, and that I might go there when I die?
You’re just using a mythological framework that you learned during childhood to process some existential terror. Your fear isn’t really of hell. It’s of death.


Is it pointless to want the world/society/people to be better?
It’s not just pointless. It’s also vague, in a dangerously naive sort of way.


I’ve been thinking about this/confused for a while now. You seem like you’re a happy person, like you love yourself and life and all that, yet you’re so negative. How are you so happy even though you’re so negative? Or should I ask, how are you so negative even though you’re so happy?
I contain multitudes.


I know you’re against the death penalty – as am I. What are your thoughts on euthanasia?
Euthanasia would be my stripper name.

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Advice

On your average penis

In a moment of completely fucked up clarity, my ex girlfriend admitted that she was always underwhelmed by our sex life owing to my penis size (5 inches). We’re long broken up and with new people now, but this still stung and has made me feel inadequate even with my current partner. Not sure what I want you to say, other than affirmation that she was out of line to say this at all. What do you think?

 

What I think depends entirely on whether you’re one of those incredibly annoying guys who pesters his ex-girlfriends for a list of reasons why things didn’t work out. If that’s you, then sorry pal, you got what you deserved.

If that’s not you, and your ex just happens to be a magnificent bitch who decided to assassinate your ego for shits and giggles, then I’m genuinely sorry, because you didn’t deserve that at all.

Either way, now you’re stuck with the knowledge that an ex was always underwhelmed with both your penis size and your former sex life. A lesser man would let that kind of bullshit bother him, which pretty much sums up your entire problem, because now you believe — literally and figuratively — that you’re somehow a lesser man.

Quit it. You’re not a lesser man. You’re just an average man, literally because your penis size falls within the median range, and figuratively because you’re like most dudes who assume that the dimensions of your genitalia are somehow a direct measure of your sexual prowess.

You should really stop thinking like that. Sure, size matters, but not nearly as much as you assume it does. If your ex-girlfriend really was sexually underwhelmed, then an extra inch or two wasn’t going to be the thing that suddenly overwhelmed her.

You need to just accept that you weren’t all that sexually compatible with your ex and get the rest of this mess out of your head, because the fact that you feel inadequate is infinitely more likely to ruin whatever current sex you’re having than the actual size of your penis.

 

(Nerve)

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Advice

On posting an image

NO. Do not start using images in your tumblr stream.
Relax. It was just the once. I don’t plan on making a habit of it.

pics? are other people posting for you now?
Nope.

You made my day using that meme in your response! Love it!
Thank you?

“oh my god, you used a picture. what has this world come to?” everyone right now?
I wouldn’t have thought so, but then people actually started making comments about it.

That was funny, but please don’t turn into buzzfeed.
Now you’re just overreacting.

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Advice

On being penetrated

Is sex inherently degrading for women? After all, they’re the ones who are being penetrated.

Ew. No. You have a very limited perception of what constitutes sex, and a very creepy notion of what constitutes being degraded. Also:

image

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Advice

On misandry

How can you be a feminist and misandrist at the same time? A bit hypocritical, don’t cha think?

Accusing me of being a misandrist is merely a projection of your own inferiority complex. Sorry, but it’s not my fault that everything about you is pathetic and insignificant. Go take a shit in your fedora and see if that makes you feel any better about yourself.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are you a sociopath?
Nope. That word gets way too much play these days by people who don’t understand what it really means. There is a huge difference between a garden variety asshole and someone with antisocial personality disorder.

Do you think it’s wrong to lie on a grad school application. Not implausible lies, just little things to make you seem more qualified.
Don’t ask my permission to pad your resume. I’m not your fucking conscience. Make your own tough decisions about how full of shit you want to be in this world.

What would you define as an intrusive fantasy about a friend?
An intrusive fantasy is one that interferes with your relationships. Basically, it’s a fantasy so powerful or recurring that you can’t keep it in your head, and it causes you to behave in a way that has negative consequences.

Woody Allen is one thing. Please tell me you acknowledge that false sexual assault allegations exist and that some women use it as a weapon.
Why is it important to you that I acknowledge that? Is your male ego really so fragile that I need to validate your position? What are you even defending? Seriously, go sit in a corner and think about how pathetic it is that you felt the need to write in to me and argue on behalf of rape culture. Yep, that’s what you did. Shame on you.

Just out of interest, if there’s always a reason to condemn the country hosting the Olympics, what was Britain’s reason?
Really? You can’t find a reason to condemn a monarchical surveillance state with five centuries of brutal, racist imperialism under its belt?

All this shit about Diet Coke being bad for you is a load of crap, right?
Nah. Diet Coke is most definitely a slow poison, but so is the air in Los Angeles. It’s all going to kill you. Fuck it.

Have you ever been on a cruise ship? If so, did you enjoy it?
I have enjoyed being on yachts, but cruise ships seem like a special kind of hell.

You’re rant about Girls was so Jessa.
You get points for making me laugh.

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Advice

On a relationship crossroads

I’m too self-absorbed to love a partner more than I love myself. He’s the exact same way. I’m not sure where we’re going, but I want a partnership that lasts, and I don’t see it with him. It’s been four months. He’ll be in my life for at least the next four, if not the next two years.

And it’s not like I don’t try; when I am cognizant of his feelings, I take care of them. I bring him food and I’m giving in bed. But he doesn’t get me off, and we don’t talk about our feelings. There’s something cold about him; and something withdrawn and prickly about me.

So do I just walk away? I want to hold on. I want to keep him, though I don’t know why.

 

Ah, yes. You’re at an interesting point in your relationship. You recognize that four months is too soon to be planning the next four years, but it’s also long enough to where you’re past the schmoopy courtship phase. The honeymoon is over (not that you two ever had one), but still, things are getting rational, and now you’re trying to figure out whether there’s a fundamental compatibility that could carry things long-term.

It feels like you’re leaning towards no, as if you want me to nudge you over the top of your decision to end the relationship. If that’s what you’re secretly hoping I’ll do, then accept it and act accordingly. If the coin is still being flipped, then you’re just going to have to call it in the air. Hold on or walk away, it’s entirely up to you.

The best advice I can give as you make your lists of pros and cons is to step back as far from this relationship as possible. See a bigger picture. Are you content to describe yourself as self-absorbed, withdrawn, and prickly? Is that who you want to be? You don’t have to know where your relationship is going, but you do have to know yourself.

Will this relationship allow you to continue growing into the person that you want to become? Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Again, that’s your call, but if you decide that you’re in it, jump head first and put energy into making the relationship work. If you done, get the hell out hard and fast before you drift through another four months.

Whatever you do, don’t let inertia be the determining force in your relationship.

 

(Nerve)

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Advice

On the sochi olympics

Where do you stand on the matter about watching the Sochi Olympics vs. Not wanting to support the anti-LGBT Russian state?

Putin is a monster, Sochi is a mess, and there’s always a reason to condemn whatever nation is hosting, but the whole point of the Olympics is for the global community to come together every few years and transcend all the bullshit.

Then again, it’s just the winter games, so if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’re probably only tuning in to see the Russians put on a gigantic shit show.

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