My 32 year old friend just asked me how I would feel about him dating a 21 year old classmate. Keeping in mind that I’ve never met this person, I was honest with him and said that I think the age difference is too big. My opinion is that they are in two different chapters of their lives, not to mention there is a difference in maturity levels. Plus, I have a 20 year old sister and if she started dating someone 11 years old than her it would kind of weird me out. The conversation ended because he felt I wasn’t giving valid reasons for my opinion, which may be true, but I’m mostly going on a gut feeling here.

Part of me feels that if he thinks he needs to get my approval on this, then maybe he’s not really that comfortable with it in the first place. If he thinks it’s a good idea, then he would just do it and not try to get validation from others. Also, when a classmate asked him out last semester, he turned her down for the exact same reason— he felt like a 11 or 12 year age difference was too much and he would feel like a lech.

What’s your opinion on this?

Half your age* plus seven. It’s international fucking law.

He can date her in 2014.

*When doing the math, always use the person’s mental age, not their chronological age. A twenty-one year old with the mental age of a twenty-eight year old would have no problem dating a thirty-two year old. Similarly, two twenty-four year would find it tough to date each other if one of them is still mentally stuck in his or her teens.

I know I’m being a total skag for this, but was the professor you slept with married? Note to self: maybe don’t ask questions in the future that you acknowledge being an asshole for asking.

Still…

I don’t participate in infidelity. I won’t have anything to do with cheaters. No woman ever has to worry if I’m sleeping with her man behind her back.

Notice how carefully my words are chosen.

So, my tattoo artist has been wanting me to hangout with him lately. The other night he invited me out with him and his friends, everything went well. We ended up going afterwards to a bar and just talking, but well, one thing led to another and we ended up fucking.

I think I’m jumping ahead of myself, cause it’s only been like 2 days but I haven’t talked to him since then.

This hasn’t been the first time I’ve done something like this. What should I do? I feel like I fucked up really badly.

Yeah, this is like fucking your drug dealer. Awkward.

Shit happens, though. The best way to handle it is just to be adults. When it comes down to it, the professional relationship comes first.

Acknowledge that you had a fun night, but let him know it was a one time thing. Poke light fun about the inevitability of the awkwardness. Then, just fall back on the standard artist/client bond until the dust settles.

“Hey Coke Talk Woman. You’re awesome. I really like what you do — even if you turn out to be a fake, your advice and opinions on sex, drugs and a lot of other stuff is pretty rational, well-considered, and fucking hilarious. Likewise, you look like you really considered this topic as well. But, respectfully, I think you’re wrong…”

[Continued. Click here for essdogg’s full rebuttal.]

Hey Essdogg. Thank you for thinking I’m awesome. I genuinely appreciate that you like what I do. I dig your vibe as well. Your arguments are cogent, rational, and backed up with legit statistics.

Quite frankly, I couldn’t agree more with your rebuttal to my drunk driving post. We’re completely on the same page. If that seems contradictory, it’s probably because you think I’m somehow endorsing my actions. I’m not.

None of what I wrote was a defense for my irresponsible behavior, just an admission of it. I was giving reasons, not excuses. It’s a subtle difference, but again, it’s all about personal accountability.

I know damn well that what I did was wrong. I’m not claiming moral high ground. I’m just being brutally honest about some of the stupid shit I’ve done.

Honestly, the drunk driving post has been bugging me all day. I’ve noticed a few folks have taken it as affirmation for their own stupid behavior, and that really fucks with my head. I’m still getting used to the fact that a shit ton of people are reading this thing now, and most of them aren’t operating at my level.

I suppose it’s wise to remind everyone once in a while that I’m just a shallow coke whore who talks shit on the internet. Sure, I’ve got more brains than the average party girl, but I’m in no way a fucking role model.

I don’t want anybody justifying ignorant shit just because I’ve gotten away with it once or twice. Swim at your own risk, kids. There’s no lifeguard at this hot tub.

So, I was reading some of your coketalk blog archives, and some of your old tweets (I’ve got a serious case of insomnia and my netflix instant watch is on the fritz, don’t judge.)

Anyway, I noticed that you seem to occasionally participate in driving while intoxicated, and that floored me because I thought you were a cool chick who knew how to party smart. What gives? What are your thoughts on drunk driving?

No judgment. I’m still awake too, and I’m happy to come in third against sleep and shitty movies.

Before I launch into my thoughts on drunk driving, first let’s take a deep breath and put on our critical thinking hats.

This is one of those topics on which we’re all programmed to give an instant and negative knee-jerk response. It’s true. Those M.A.D.D. bitches know how to organize, and they get us early.

It was just last year that everyone in California was filled with righteous indignation when driving on the phone was outlawed. Could you imagine the same reaction to drunk driving? Of course not, but basically there’s no difference.

Strip it down to the bare essentials, and driving while intoxicated is no more morally complicated than driving while texting, or driving while putting on make-up, or driving while eating a fucking Big Mac.

The reason why you’re impaired shouldn’t matter, but culturally it does. Drunk driving has an extra thick patina of shame in our society. Fine. Whatever.

I’m not saying they’re wrong. I’m just saying that nothing is ever black and white, the current DUI laws are bullshit, and there is a time and place for everything.

So yeah. I’m not pro-drunk driving, but the world is full of necessary evils, and this is fucking Los Angeles. Our taxi service is shit. Our public transportation is non-existant. Our sheer square mileage is staggering.

Fuck it. As horrible as it may sound, I’m not gonna bullshit. Sometimes you have to drive your own car when you know you probably shouldn’t.

It’s never a good idea, but anyone who’s honest will admit that there’s a difference between stupidly getting behind the wheel all sloppy and shit-faced and the the hyper-vigilant, supremely cautious style of driving one does when trying to make it home despite the likelihood of being a bit over the legal limit.

I never drive shit-faced. Ever. I never let my friends drive shit-faced. Ever. If you’re slurring your words, then just lock the doors, curl up in the back seat, and take a nap.

Am I saying it’s okay to drive drunk? Fuck no. Am I admitting to risking it once or twice? Okay, yeah. Feel free to cast the first stone if that’s your thing. Life is full of calculated risks. I’m big on personal accountability, even in the face of irresponsibility. If I can’t pull my shit together, I don’t risk it. That’s just me.

There. Did I equivocate enough for you?

Are you overweight? You are constantly talking about food,and your drive thru choices, and yet NEVER about working out. I am overweight and would like some of your confidance…where do I start?

Nope. Sorry. Not overweight.

I don’t remember ever talking about drive thru choices, but if you say I did, okay. I think what you choose to glean as relevant from my writing speaks more about your habits than mine.

For me, going to the gym falls into the same category as going to work. I prefer not to write either because they’re boring and might otherwise divulge identifying information.

As for being overweight and confident, I suggest you start by being either a black woman or Beth Ditto. If that doesn’t work, try not giving a fuck with an eye towards being healthy.

Best of luck.