Do beautiful people really have more fun?
No. It just seems that way because they look better while they’re having it.

I’m an aspiring writer, but I can’t find the words to tell someone something they said is still hurting me. Does that say more about what a shitty writer I am or is it a sign that I need to let it go?
The courage you need to stand up for yourself in the face of someone hurting you is the same courage you need to stop using the word “aspiring.”

I wrote “Hypocrites” on the wall of a church. I did it out of blacked out anger. They get me angry. It’s the church my mom goes to. What are your thoughts on my behavior?
I think your use of the phrase “I did it out of blacked out anger” is a massive red flag. I think you’re a childish and potentially dangerous little shit, and I hope you don’t have access to a gun.

I am 28 and single. I “get” a lot of guys, but can’t hold any down. Men just will not commit to me. I am at the point where I want a boyfriend. How do I lock a man down?
Goddamn, bitch. How about you start by using some imagery that doesn’t sound like you’re trying to trick some dude into putting on leg irons. How is a guy supposed to believe that committing to you isn’t some kind of a prison sentence when clearly that’s what you think it is too?

What do you think of the social etiquette concerning people not being able to tell other people that their horrible children are being horrible in public, or that they have bad parenting skills?
I don’t know what social etiquette you’re talking about. I’ll look a parent right in the eye and tell them to shut their fucking kids up. Then again, I’m an asshole.

When it’s good it’s great. Never for long though. We fight constantly and I know it won’t last because we are toxic for each other, but I’m too chicken to end it. Just convince me already.
If you know it won’t last, then you’ve already made your decision. Quit delaying the inevitable. If you end it now, you might still have a chance at remembering him fondly. That’s worth more than grinding through another few months until you both hate each other.

What’s your favorite piece of classical music? I’m trying to expand my horizons.
Do you mean classical music or orchestral music? Because my favorite classical piece is probably Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1*. If you’re just talking about orchestral music, I’m a huge fan of Max Richter. (His albums infra and Memoryhouse are fucking incredible.)

* Fucking hell, people. Please stop writing in to inform me that Bach’s music is Baroque. All music from the common practice period is colloquially referred to as classical music, and you damn well know that.

Was supposed to fly up to San Fran yesterday afternoon but flight was canceled because of the shooting. Now I’m sitting in LAX, about to board. I wasn’t at the airport when the shooting occurred, but I’ve been containing a freak out for 24 hours. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see my family in the bay. How is everyone in this airport so calm? How are guns so easy to purchase? I’m not an emotional person and these events don’t usually affect me like this. Why did this even happen?

This happened because it’s the new normal. Mass shootings are a thing now. As a culture, our collective consciousness accepts that violently narcissistic young white males will attempt suicide by going on shooting sprees with an assault rifle. We accept that the news outlets will gleefully publish their full names and a list of their imagined grievances. We accept the meager excuse that they are “mentally unstable,” and we accept that there is nothing we can do about it. It’s all bullshit, but hey, we still accept it.

Now take some deep breaths.

Everyone in the airport is calm because they feel safe. The shooting happened yesterday, and they know that it’s not going to happen again today. That’s not how these things work. You’re safe. Even you know that. Of course, that’s not the reason you’re white-knuckling the onset of a full-blown panic attack.

You’re barely keeping it together because you have a shit ton of anxiety about seeing your family that was further amplified by whatever stressful phone call took place between you and your parents yesterday when they saw the news of the shooting. The airport is triggering your freak-out, and you’re doing everything you can to sit there and look normal.

Like I said, take some deep breaths. What you need to recognize is that your single biggest problem is the phrase, “I don’t want to be here.” It is the distilled source of all of your anxiety.

Right now, you are embodying that phrase, and it’s causing a feedback loop of panic. “I don’t want to be here” is poisoning you. Instead, focus on the phrase, “It’s okay that I am here.” Go ahead, say it.

It’s okay that I am here. You don’t have to believe it at first, but keep repeating it to yourself. Keep it in your mind. Turn it into a mantra.

It’s okay that I am here. Keep saying it, and if a little voice in the back of your mind tries to tell you that it’s not okay, just tell that voice to shut the fuck up.

It’s okay that I am here. Keep this phrase with you the whole time you’re with your family in San Francisco. Center yourself around it, and you’ll be back in LA in no time.

Do you think it’s stupid to throw away a mostly good thing because of the way someone kisses? Dude pecks, like someone’s grandma, but repeatedly. He isn’t into poly stuff so I doubt I could find make outs elsewhere. Dealbreaker?

Fucking hell. If you’ve established enough verbal intimacy in your relationship to know that he isn’t into poly stuff, then you should be able to talk openly about the way you wanna be kissed.

Communicate your needs. Use your goddamn words. Show him how you like it, and then give him a chance to bring some A-game. If the two of you have good chemistry and this is just an issue of technique, then your little pecking problem is entirely fixable.

If he can’t give you what you need after you explicitly show him, then yeah, maybe this ends up a dealbreaker, but if you’re not even willing to talk about shit like this in the first place, then it’s not an adult relationship, and so who gives a fuck?

~ You’re wrong, Candy Corn is delicious.

~ I like candy corn!

~ I like candy corn. 🙁

~ but i love candy corn!!!

~ Fuck you, bitch! 😛 Candy corn is awesome, sugary fangs in my mouth.

~ You have severely underestimated the candy corn fan base.

~ I actually love candy corn. I’m currently making candy corn infused vodka for halloween. Perhaps I’ve shared too much.

~ Haha! I love you, but candy corn is the best.

~ I LOVE CANDY CORN. And I don’t even like candy. (Perhaps that’s the problem?)

You guys are way too easy to fuck with.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

in response to your minimum wage post: “Will there be painful market corrections? Yes. THAT’S THE EFFING POINT. If businesses can’t sustain themselves without paying their employees a living wage, then those businesses…”

…will hire fewer workers

…will raise prices, hurting poor people the most

…will fire everyone and relocate to another country

…will become uncompetitive and permanently depress the economy of an entire region (see: detroit)

…will accelerate the move toward automation

basically, the way to actually help the little guy is abolish the minimum wage and the idea of illegal immigrants— raising the minimum wage isn’t actually a solution.

Okay, here we go. Line by line, one more time for the cheap seats:

in response to your minimum wage post: “Will there be painful market corrections? Yes. THAT’S THE EFFING POINT. If businesses can’t sustain themselves without paying their employees a living wage, then those businesses…”
First of all, I didn’t say “THAT’S THE EFFING POINT.” I said “THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT.” If you can’t even bring yourself to type the word FUCKING, then maybe you shouldn’t be sitting at the adult table.

…will hire fewer workers
No they won’t. That’s Reagan-era thinking. Wake up and smell the policy research.

…will raise prices, hurting poor people the most
If Chicken McNuggets cost an extra three cents a piece, so be it. Prices should go up on goods and services that rely on minimum wage labor. Oh, and you know what hurts poor people the most? POVERTY WAGES, ASSHOLE.

…will fire everyone and relocate to another country
Too late. That shit already happened. It’s been a global economy for a while now, and the threat of outsourcing is a bullshit excuse not to pay American workers a living wage.

…will become uncompetitive and permanently depress the economy of an entire region (see: detroit)
Oh, please. The American auto industry shit the bed because of executive mismanagement in the face of a global financial meltdown. That wasn’t about wages. Detroit got fucked in the ass by Wall Street.

…will accelerate the move toward automation
Fine. Automate. Maximize efficiencies. Bring on the fucking robots.

basically, the way to actually help the little guy is abolish the minimum wage and the idea of illegal immigrants— raising the minimum wage isn’t actually a solution.
Oh, I get it. You want all the brown people to start working for a buck fifty an hour. Great solution there, chief. As long as we’re abolishing the minimum wage, why don’t we just abolish all those pesky OSHA regulations while we’re at it? Nothing says free market capitalism like a permanent underclass of immigrant child labor working at slave wages in unsafe conditions for sixteen hours a day!

You are absolutely insane if you think abolishing the minimum wage helps the little guy. Seriously, dude. Take off the fedora and back away from the Ayn Rand novels, because you’re starting to lose touch with reality.

Hey, long time reader, first time writer. You have no idea what you’re talking about when you defended the minimum wage. It is the easiest thing in the world to defend the minimum wage simply by saying that you’re defending the poor and attacking the rich. It distorts the market. It destroys real jobs. It destroys the creation of jobs. Wage increases must be tied to productivity, not to political fantasy. Trust me, I have a PhD on this shit.

PS: I hope you’re writing that book of yours.

Okay, dude. Lemme hit you line by line:

Hey, long time reader, first time writer. You have no idea what you’re talking about when you defended the minimum wage.
I appreciate that you’re a fan, but you should know I don’t react well to a condescending tone. Prepare to be bitch slapped.

It is the easiest thing in the world to defend the minimum wage simply by saying that you’re defending the poor and attacking the rich.
You’re right. It’s easy. Know why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Wealth disparity is a grotesque byproduct of our economic system, and plutocrats don’t need apologists in the form of econ PhDs to cry havoc when the rest of us are just trying to level the playing field.

It distorts the market.
You mean like corporate subsidies, tax breaks, and regulatory capture? Yeah, god forbid we should ever distort your precious free market, especially in favor of the little guy.

It destroys real jobs. It destroys the creation of jobs.
Sure, that’s the fear-based Fox News way of putting it. Another way of putting it is that raising the minimum wage will disrupt large swaths of the economy that are organized around poverty wages. Will there be painful market corrections? Yes. THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT. If businesses can’t sustain themselves without paying their employees a living wage, then those businesses don’t deserve to exist.

Wage increases must be tied to productivity, not to political fantasy.
I agree. Wage increases must be tied to productivity, but the political fantasy is to assume that they ever were. If wage increases had kept pace with productivity after 1968, minimum wage would have reached $21.72 per hour in 2012. Wouldn’t that have been wonderful?

Trust me, I have a PhD on this shit.
In other words, you have a vested interest in the status quo. Listen, I respect your credentials, but I’ve been in a room full of econ PhDs, and you guys couldn’t agree on the color of money. That’s fine. Go sit and the corner and do some equations, professor. The rest of us have some class warfare to wage.

PS: I hope you’re writing that book of yours.
I am, and would you believe one of the themes is how wealth disparity poisons a society?

I was cheating on my boyfriend. I tried to end it with him but I was guilt tripped into staying. So I made the choice to “do right” and ditch my passionate lover. I still have this burning want and desire that consumes me and I feel like I have missed out on something important. It all makes me sad and when I am shit faced at the end of the night, other guy is who I think about.

Sucker. (You got what you deserve.)

Recently, I’ve gotten into the habit of becoming embroiled in facebook arguments with my brother and his conservative, misogynistic, bible-thumping friends. Normally I try to avoid arguing on the internet, but my brother seems to be getting more close-minded and xenophobic the more he talks with these people. I thought it’d be good for a woman to call him out on his bullshit, but am I just wasting my time? These guys actually called me a “commie.”

Stop. (You’re wasting your time.)

My boyfriend called me “spoiled” for never working a crappy job. I’ve worked a bunch of jobs, some retail, some more awesome, but I’ve never had to work a truly shit job to support myself. This is partly because I haven’t graduated college yet, partly because the time I found a job to pay my way through life, it was a pretty good job. Is he a dick, or do I need some perspective?

Both. (Write me back when you have a real problem.)

He told me he likes me, “a little bit too much.” I said I feel the same way but I can’t do this casual thing indefinitely and that I’d like him to think about what he really wants. He was struck dumb by my honesty, he said. I feel like he just failed a test. Did he?

You’re the one testing him. If you can’t tell whether he failed, maybe you should handle the situation differently, because I assure you he wasn’t struck dumb by your honesty. He was struck dumb because you backed him into a corner and he didn’t want to get caught giving the wrong answers to your little quiz.

You like each other. Great. I’m happy for you both, but you’re not gonna get this dude to level-up on your relationship by tossing out vague ultimatums. Telling a guy to think about what he really wants is a bullshit move, especially if you already know what it is you want.

Go ahead and put yourself out there. Be vulnerable and tell him exactly what you want. If you’re done being casual, tell him. If you want exclusivity, tell him. If you want the “girlfriend” label, fucking tell him.

You’re the one who’s going to have to invite him into the early stages of commitment, and no, you haven’t already done that. At this point, all you’ve done is ask him for an invitation. There’s a big difference.

If you’re not willing to tell him exactly what you want, you can’t hold it against him for not blindly offering it to you.

You said I shouldn’t quit my job before finding another one. Ok, its been months, I’m still miserable and I haven’t found any other job. The only difference is I saved up a bit. Should I quit now? Really, I’m having the worst time in my life.

No you’re not. You may be miserable, but this doesn’t even count as a bad time in your life. This is some character building shit you’re going through right now.

Keep saving, and keep looking for another job. Do not quit until you know what you’re doing next. Trust me on this.

Okay. I heard this one the other day, but from someone who is normal and did not care exactly what the argument is. “Having sex in the context of the patriarchy is inherently sexist.” I wish I could inform you more so you could shred it to pieces.

Meh. In the context of the patriarchy, you could argue that anything gendered is inherently sexist. That’s why it’s sort of an empty statement. It sounds inflammatory, but it’s pretty meaningless. Besides, if you’re having sex in the context of the patriarchy, then you’re doing it wrong.