What do you think of the “topless jihad” protests FEMEN is doing in order to try and “save” Muslim women from their hijab/niqaab etc?

You’re missing the point. FEMEN activists aren’t trying to save Muslim women from their traditional dress. They’re trying to provoke a response through disruptive activism, and they’re doing a damn good job.

You have to understand, this is what radicals and reactionaries do. In this case, the radicals are breast-baring feminists and the reactionaries are fatwa-issuing muslims. It’s Boobs versus Rubes in an international, counter-cultural game of shirts and skins.

The radicals cry out against the systematic oppression and institutionalized subjugation of women through religious patriarchy. They deliberately provoke and offend through staged demonstrations in the hopes that the reactionaries will live up to their name and react.

Right on cue, the pseudo-intellectual reactionaries cry western imperialism and hurl accusations of Islamophobia while the fundamentalist reactionaries cry blasphemy and hurl stones.

It’s really quite fun to watch everyone pick sides, especially the socially conscious cultural relativists whose pointy little heads are about to explode from all the cognitive dissonance.

Obviously, I’m rooting for team FEMEN. Duh. Boobs are awesome and organized religion is evil, but it doesn’t even matter how the rest of this game plays out, because as is always the case, the radicals automatically win just by getting the reactionaries to show up and open their stupid mouths.

What are your thoughts on the new Pope? Is his humbleness just some marketing strategy from the Vatican?

Displays of piety are always a marketing strategy, and let’s not forget that this asshole considers himself to be the infallible voice of god on earth. If you’re impressed just because he doesn’t wear the shiny red shoes, you seriously need to adjust your definition of humble.

My favorite movie is Roman Polanski’s Cul-de-Sac, a fact which shocked my boyfriend, who said that he refuses to watch any Polanski film because of the rape charges. So, Coquette, can you separate the art from the artist?

Of course. One can and should separate the art from the artist. That still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pretentious douche with horrible taste in movies.

I can’t get across my college campus without some mouthbreather hassling me about going to church. I usually smile and say no thanks but it’s getting harder. Should I just tell them what I really think sometimes? I’m a very stringent atheist who feels that abrahamic religions do far more bad than good. Or should I just find new ways to keep my cool?

Moments like that are a golden opportunity to practice the art of keeping cool while looking someone dead in the eye and telling them to fuck off.

My uncle was a member of the original free-loving, Vietnam War-protesting, acid-taking hippie movement. Though he used to be an avid drug user, he told me he would never take the drugs being sold now because of how synthetic they are and all of the extra ingredients in them, making them more dangerous. I thought this was an interesting point, but at the same time our food has evolved in the same way, carrying many more insecticides and other chemicals than are on the labe

I’m 17 and 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of three years hit me. We were fighting, which rarely happens, and he was drunk. It was the first time he’s ever been remotely aggressive. But it happened and it freaked me out, so I broke up with him.

I’ll admit I’m a sheltered person, I live in suburbia and go to a private high school. In my entire life I have never felt unsafe because of where I live or who I hang out with. Thing is, I know I’m better than this. I don’t care if it’s been three years. I don’t care if it was even a one time thing. I simply won’t allow this to happen to me. But since breaking up with him, he won’t leave me alone. He’s constantly apologizing, with tears, and explaining that it was an accident. I still love him, but I’m done. I’m done and I know it to my bones that this feeling won’t change.

The problem here is that since breaking up with him all of our mutual friends have become angry with me. At school my ex-boyfriend and I were like “that couple” who everyone thought was going to get married. It’s so ridiculous, people are acting like I’ve broken some sacred rule. As a result, I’ve gone from being a well-liked person to a social pariah. I’m lonely, but all this is still not enough to make me be his girlfriend again.

I just don’t know what to do. This has been so confusing and painful, and I don’t know anyone whose gone through something similar. I’ve looked through your archives but so far I haven’t seen anything titled “on getting bitch-slapped by a lacrosse player”.  So please, help me out.

You don’t need my help, kiddo. You’re doing just fine.

You did the right thing by breaking up with your boyfriend, and even though it’s making you a bit miserable at the moment, you’re proving that you have mature adult levels of both self-respect and inner strength.

Most importantly, you’ve set a rock solid precedent for all your future relationships. You’ve drawn a hard line at the the kind of abusive behavior you simply refuse to tolerate. It’s impressive, and you have my respect.

Keep it up. Don’t bother listening to your ex’s bullshit apologies, and do your best to ignore the shallow high school politics. I promise, you’re not a social pariah. You’re just learning who your real friends are. It’s tough, but it’s a valuable fucking lesson.

Also, for what it’s worth, three years is a good run for a high school relationship. I know you still love him, but you were never gonna marry this little douchebag.

Try and take the long view. Spend your senior year single. Date around a little, and go off to to college without any baggage.

I’m seriously considering becoming a “sugar baby.” I’m a college student, just got fired from a poorly paid job and ended a relationship with an older guy. Honestly it would be nice to go on dates with a successful guy for a change, and get paid for it. Would you do it? Should I? Or is it just a nice name for an escort?

Escort is a much nicer name for it than sugar baby. Whatever label you want to use, let’s be clear, you’re deciding whether to become a prostitute. That’s fine. Do what you like with your body and your life, but don’t kid yourself about what kind of game you’re playing.

My family likes to talk about relationships. I don’t. I believe it’s none of their business who I’m dating, but now, I dread any family lunch because by avoiding their relationship questions, I’m accused of being distrustful and/or of hiding something. I’ll admit that I don’t handle it in the smoothest of ways and get irritated fast, but it’s really annoying. How can I explain boundaries to people?

You don’t have to explain your boundaries. You just have to set them and keep your cool. Don’t get irritated when they start to pry. Learn to deflect, and get comfortable with the phrase, “I’d rather talk about something else.” It’s perfectly okay to tell them flat out that it’s none of their business who you’re dating. (Just do it calmly.)

When they accuse you of being distrustful or of hiding something, recognize it as emotional blackmail, and don’t let it it get under your skin. Tell them that this isn’t a trust issue. (You trust them.) It is simply a privacy issue, and they need to respect that.

Remember, every time they accuse you of being distrustful, you can accuse them of being disrespectful. Every time they accuse you of hiding something, you can accuse them of meddling. I’m not suggesting you start arguments, but you should know in your head that you have firm ground on which to stand up for yourself if need be.

I am 22, just out of college, in a low-paying job and a long-term relationship, and I just found out I’m pregnant. I’m not ready for kids, but I know he’s wildly anti-abortion and even anti-putting kids up for adoption. If I tell him, either I have a child I don’t want, or I lose someone I love. If I don’t tell him, I’ll have to lie to him for the rest of my life. Help.

You are not ready to be a mother. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. What follows isn’t going to be easy, but this begins and ends with the brutal truth that you do not want this pregnancy.

Tell him now. Don’t tell him now. It’s entirely up to you, but don’t let it affect your decision either way. One thing you should know deep down in your heart is that if your boyfriend leaves you based on your decision to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, then fuck him.

He would be the morally bankrupt person in that situation, not you. You wouldn’t want to raise a child with someone who would do that to you anyway, and as much as it would hurt to lose someone you love, I promise you would end up better for it in the long run.

This a major life decision, but it’s yours to make, so stay strong and do what you know is best.

omg, you spelt mantle incorrectly! you ARE human! I thought maybe you were a clever AI because your intelligence seems so alien in my world.

I hate to break it to you, but the “mantle” is the geological layer between the earth’s crust and the earth’s core. The “mantel” is the decorative facing around a fireplace above which my George W. Bush puppy painting shall hang.

“Is there even a ring on your finger?” Are you suggesting that commitment be solely dictated by a diamond? Or that marriage is an important goal in a relationship? This is an honest question, because I have been in a relationship for six years and I have no intention of getting married. I love the guy to death, he’s incredible, but I don’t need a bunch of legal jargon or a grandiose party to know where I’m at in my relationship (and he feels the same). I’m curious to know why you emphasized marriage; is it really important?

I understand why you feel the need to reflexively justify your relationship status, but you need to chill the fuck out. Nobody was challenging your life choices.

If you were a long-time reader, you’d know how I felt about the institution of marriage and the tradition of engagement rings. I literally wrote the book on how ridiculous it all is, but that still doesn’t change the fact that for most women, a formal engagement has quite a bit of significance.

Bitches like you and me may not give a fuck, but we can’t ignore the cultural distinctions between being a wife, a fiancé, and a girlfriend.

Awhile ago you wrote about “a certain kind of life”. We’re both 24. We have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I love him, and he loves me, and we make each other happy. We go on adventures together, we have 3 day video game binges together, we talk politics and philosophy together and I know that while there’s no such thing as soul mates, he’s still one of the best men I’ll ever have the honor and pleasure to love. Right now we’re cross-country long distance, but I will be moving back to him in 3 years. The issue isn’t the distance, it’s hard, but I’ve had harder. The issue is – am I making the active decision to pursue this relationship past our college years? I’m afraid that we will get 10 years down the line and regret all the other relationships we didn’t have, the time we didn’t spend single. I don’t wan’t to lead that ‘certain kind of life’ that I passively fall into. I never want to wear ugly jeans. Is there a middle-road between a crazy, fun, awesome coketalk lifestyle (which I don’t, and never would have the stamina or personality for…I’m happiest on the slight edge of introversion), and that certain kind of life? Are there many middle roads? How do I get on them? What do I do with this fear of regret? Please help me coquette.

You’ve been together since you were teenagers. Half a damn decade. That’s impressive, but if you want my honest opinion, I think you’re fucking nuts to spend your mid-twenties trapped in a long-term long-distance relationship.

I’m sure your boyfriend is a fantastic guy, but come on, is there even a ring on your finger? Didn’t think so. I’m not suggesting you push for an engagement, but if the two of you aren’t already at that level of commitment after five years, then what the fuck are you getting ready to do for the next three?

You’re going to be on opposite ends of the country for a long damn time, and as much as you don’t want to hear it, the odds of making something like that work are pretty much slim to none.

Like it or not, you’ve stumbled into a major life decision. This long-distance period is a natural border between two distinct phases of your life, and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll recognize that these three years are the perfect time for you to be single.

Seriously, go get it out of your system. You and your boyfriend have an ideal window of time apart and a legitimate excuse to explore. Make plans and promises to get back together in three years, and then get on out there. Date around. Sow some wild oats. Go buckwild.

I know it sounds crazy, but the odds of you getting back together after three years aren’t any worse than the odds of you staying together long-distance, so you might as well give it a shot. It won’t be easy at first, but none of what you’re about to go through is going to be easy.

If you eventually end up together, then it will be for all the right reasons, and you won’t be stuck with any of the resentment or regret that’s already starting to build in your current relationship.

If you don’t end up together, that’s okay too. At least this way, you’ll remember one another fondly.