Did the background just change or are the drugs I’m on really spectacular?

Both, I hope.

I’m purple today. Here, and over at the blog. It’s in support of Spirit Day.

Normally, I’m not one for cause colors and raising awareness bullshit.  You won’t catch me wearing a pink ribbon or opting for the pink bucket of chicken in support of breast cancer, not because I’m unsympathetic, but come on, if a cause is worthy, doing anything other than raising cold hard cash is usually an empty gesture.

This is different, though.

This isn’t about raising awareness. Not to me, at least. This is a display of solidarity. It’s a simple, silent nod to the thousands of my young readers who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and whatever the fuck other wonderful versions of the human experience that defy reductionist labels, yet who all still have to put up with the cruelty and ignorance of lesser minds.

Solidarity, bitches.

My girlfriend hates her body intensely, seeing it as grotesque and flabby and too tall and too square and too boyish. It’s none of those things. She hates it if I compliment it or tell her she’s not any of those things, because she has a “right to feel this way.” What can I do?

Yes, I suppose self hate and body issues are a natural born right to girls across this great nation, but so is it your duty as a good boyfriend — nay, a good American — to stand up for your own First Amendment rights and shout to the fucking rafters that she is not only beautiful in your eyes, but beautiful in every way a woman can be.

Stand up to the tyranny of self hate. Tell that girl she’s gorgeous.

i just found out my suck ass job is gonna require me to work on thee hallow’s eve, but i’ve started buying shit for my coketalk costume. should i just dress up, take photos and troll people on sat and mon?

Hell yes.

The Coke Talk Halloween Costume Challenge is good any and all party days leading up to Halloween, and well into the brunching hour the Monday after.

Yes, that’s right. I’m throwing my ridiculous persona out there as a potential costume this year, so if you’re a fan, feel free to coke it up for Halloween.

Most folks are doing a Britney style Coke Talk with a red satin jacket, grey sweats, trucker hat, big sunglasses, and a half full baby bottle.

Others have expressed interest in doing a Dolly Parton style Dear Coke Talk with big blonde bouffant hair, a lavender 80’s business suit, gold bangle bracelets, and a big ugly coffee mug.

Either way, if you send me pics of you dressed up as Coke Talk for Halloween, I’ll be sure to find some special way to say thank you.

Knock it the fuck out, you hilarious bitches. I can’t wait to see the pics.

If someone offered you a job writing an advice column for the New York Times, would you give up your anonymity?

Hell no, nor would I have to. Bill Keller knows how to keep a secret. Not that it matters, because the Old Gray Lady is far too dignified to get caught doing lines with a west coast bitch like me.

And really? A Times column? Let’s dream bigger, people. I love the printed word as much as the next girl with a blog, but this is Hollywood. My anonymity is worth a helluva lot more than a mid-level salaried position in an industry that’s circling the drain.

Shit, dude. If we’re gonna get hypothetical about revealing my identity, at least offer me back end points on a syndicated television series. Mama’s got her eye on a little airstream trailer in Malibu.

I have a dilemma and i need your advice. my best friend’s roommate and i are totally into each other, and the best friend is pissed and is begging me not to hook up with her. In addition, the roommate is currently in a relationship with this really nice guy who’s pretty chill. I don’t want to be a relationship breaker, nor do I want to fuck up my friendship with my best friend. What would you do? Hook up with the roommate asap, wait for the roommates current relationship to end, or not hookup with the roommate at all?

You seem to have way more experience with complicated relationships than I, hence why I ask you.

Here’s what you should do. Go get a dictionary. Look up the words “dilemma” and “complicated.” Note that neither of them should be used to describe what’s going on with your pathetic excuse for a lack of self control.

You’re a piece of shit for even considering this. Seriously, dude. You’re willing to drop a live grenade of hot messy drama into the middle of your best friend’s home so your dick can get wet for ten, fifteen minutes tops? Fuck you.

This is only a dilemma if you’re an emotionally crippled tool.

Hello, I am in urgent need of counseling. I baked some lovely cupcakes and brought them over to an office party one day. I saw out of the corner of my eye a colleague of mines named Carol spit it out into a napkin and make a disgusted face. When I confronted her, she just smiled and said they were good. But I know she was lying. Now I am extremely depressed; I have not been to work for days and now I feel the need to suicide. I take several doses of Cymbalta a day, but I just keep getting more and more depressed. What do you suggest I do?

Stop using semicolons.

I know you’re not Miss Manners or anything but you seem to have a sense for modern day social etiquette (plus sass,) so here’s my dilemma:  I’m planning on moving in with my boyfriend and another friend of ours in a few months. We will be sharing everything so it seems right to split the rent/ bills in thirds but, as they will both be working full time while I go to school, part of me thinks that it would be alright to be paying a little less. Someone suggested I offer to do all the chores in return but something about that seems creepy. Is that totally not cool to be trying to cop out of my share or is it acceptable considering how much less money I’ll have.

Rent doesn’t come with a student discount, babe. It’s totally not cool to think you’re entitled to pay less. You do what you like, but anyone with integrity would want to hold up their end.

Quite frankly, I don’t see what the fuck’s so creepy about breaking even with a little sweat equity. Of course, I’m not so hypersensitive about traditional gender roles that I can’t recognize a potential solution when I see one.

What I’m trying to say is, doing a few dishes isn’t going to turn you into Betty fuckin’ Draper. There’s nothing wrong with earning your keep.

Then again, I’m the kind of girl who’d rather scrub a fucking toilet than have her boyfriend paying her share of the rent.