someone (a black lesbian) who I follow on twitter has said that she won’t date white girls and is considering not dating girls who aren’t lesbians (so not bisexual/pansexual/catch-all queer girls). why am I okay with the first but not with the second?

You’re okay with a black lesbian refusing to date white girls because it can be interpreted as a thoughtful rejection of hegemonic power structures vis-à-vis race and traditional beauty standards, whereas you’re not okay with a black lesbian refusing to date women whose sexual identity doesn’t match her strict definition of a lesbian, because that kind of preferential prejudice can easily be interpreted as a lack of intersectionality within the larger LGBTQ community.

You might also want to take a step back and realize that this is probably one of those things you shouldn’t dignify by giving a fuck in the first place, because the only thing worse than a bitch who thinks her pussy is lined with gold is one who thinks it’s lined with social justice.

The other day I was talking to a dude I went to high school with on Facebook. This is a white upper class kid, going to Cornell. We both commented on a friend’s post on the Cleveland shooting of a young black boy holding a toy gun. I stated how it was unjust that this cop took two seconds before unloading, especially in a state with legal open carry. I then made a statement on how this reflects the systemic oppression of black people by this country’s police force. My high school friend replied that this “systemic oppression was bull,” “There’s no universal directive for cops to kill black people,” and that I essentially had nothing of value to say on the matter. I replied, kinda angry at this point, on the numerous stories of white cop killings of black men and women and how this is not the case for whites, and then to cement my point I added that no one can ignore the 400 years of systemic oppression black people have faced, no directive but a strong correlation. Then he replied “sins of the father are not the sins of the son.” Like what the fuck is that? How do I respond to something like that? Isn’t that just some idiomatic bullshit? Like, I feel like I won’t change this moron’s mind, but I wish I knew what to say.

That kind of thing is what’s known as a thought terminating cliché. Feel free to point that out to him. Also feel free to point out that the sins of the father do quite often become the sins of the son, especially where being an asshole is concerned. Your upper-class white kid at Cornell is suffering from a world view that simply won’t allow him to believe in things like white privilege and systemic racism. He can’t believe in them, because to acknowledge their existence would shatter the delusions he maintains in order to justify his identity.

You see, this kid believes he deserves to go to Cornell. He earned it through his own hard work. Whatever wealth or high station his family holds is something they deserve too. Again, they earned it through their own hard work, and even if they didn’t, then they still deserve it because they are simply better than everyone else. The little shit believes these things to his very core. He has to, because the alternative would be unbearable.

If you want to win arguments like this, you have to understand what your opponent is really arguing about. This kid wasn’t defending systemic oppression. He was defending his own identity by denying systemic oppression. You can’t change his mind without destroying his entire world view, and he’s not going to let you do that on Facebook. That’s why people like him always start throwing up thought terminating clichés when their logic inevitably begins to fail. They’re trying to end the conversation and simultaneously quell their own cognitive dissonance. He’s essentially retreating from the argument. Take that as a win, move on with your day, and go do something more important, like trimming your fucking toenails.

I was agnostic for a period of 10 years or so. I have been dating a Christian for the past two years. He did not force his religion upon me at all or passive aggressively try and make me adopt it. I chose to explore it on my own to see what he believes. But because I have been exposed to it, I am starting to believe in God again and I am attracted to what Christians believe. Am I being brainwashed? Why do I feel manipulated into believing something? Should I hold myself back from further exploring it?

You’re not exploring. You’re settling. You’ve found a convenient belief system by way of a boyfriend, and you can’t be bothered to do any critical thinking because it’s all so easy.

You’re taking on Christianity like other women take on country music or college football. It’s just another thing you accept as part of your life because of the guy you’re currently fucking. You might even convince yourself you kind of like it, right up until the relationship ends. That’s when you come to your senses and wonder what in the hell you were thinking.

Admit to yourself that you’re not attracted to what Christians believe as much as you’re attracted to what your boyfriend believes. While you’re at it, stop being so spiritually lazy. If you want to call yourself an explorer, do some fucking exploring. Curiosity is an active pursuit, especially where fundamental belief systems are concerned.

Don’t just passively go to church. Use your rational mind and challenge your newfound religion. Learn all about its history, rituals, traditions, and beliefs. Study it. Hell, study all religion.

Put some fucking effort into your life choices.

Despite my numerous far-left political tendencies (I am a registered Democratic Socialist), I still think public hanging should be reinstated as a method of the death penalty.Does this make me nothing more than a chicken-shit centrist, or am I just overthinking?

A desire to reinstate public hanging doesn’t push you toward the political center. It pushes you back around toward the fringes where wingnut ideologies start to blend into a hazy purple of both far-left and far-right lunacy. In other words, you don’t sound like a chicken-shit centrist. You sound like a fucking fascist.

Democratic Socialism is all well and good, but not when coupled with a state powerful enough to perform barbaric death rituals as punishment for crimes. Government should exist to regulate, not punish.

As the systemic extension of the will of the people, government’s role should be broad, but its power should only extend as far as its benevolence. The death penalty is the institutionalized representation of the most abhorrent and inferior aspects of our human nature.

We are never lower as a people than when we allow the state to take murderous revenge on our behalf.

I make 80 percent of the money and do 75% of the housework. I’m tired. I’m also doing feminism wrong somehow. Help. 

Don’t ask me for help. Ask your lazy, good-for-nothing partner for help. Better yet, demand his help. Realign the inequitable gender roles in your relationship with the unilateral force of someone who brings home the fucking bacon.

Why isn’t he the one taking care of the house? What, is that women’s work? No. Huh-uh. Fuck that shit right back to the 1950’s. That’s not how the game is played anymore, and folding the laundry before you stick it in the drawer ain’t that hard a trick to learn.

Give him an order, and expect it to get done. You know you can do that, right? You’re in charge, even if you don’t wanna be. Don’t put up with one ounce of whiny prideful bullshit, and if he doesn’t step up, then he can fuck right off.

Honestly, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he a fitness model? Is he making you cum three times a day? Is he as emotionally supportive as a therapist and two best friends? He’d better be all those things, because if he’s just some basic bro kicking in beer money and the occasional light bulb change, then I gotta ask what the fuck are you still doing with him?

Unfortunately, I already know the answer, and it’s is as ugly as it is obvious: relationship inertia. You’re used to his lazy ass, and it would take time and energy to either whip it into shape or kick it to the curb.

Well, tough shit. You picked him, and you spoiled him by bringing too much to the table. Now you gotta deal with him, and if he’s not worth the effort, then you gotta deal with that too.

My fiancé was just diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses, and has made attempts at cheating on me. I know I should be understanding of his disorder because he’s great in every other way. I just can’t help feeling like I want to get out of the relationship while I still can. Thoughts on being with someone that struggles with this?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a description of your fiancé’s behavior, not an excuse for it. He doesn’t get a free pass to act like an asshole just because his therapist gave a name to his particular flavor of chaos.

Now that he’s got a diagnosis, the worst thing you can do is suddenly start framing his bad behavior as “his struggle.” That’s complete bullshit. We’ve all got struggles, and BDP is no cause for violin music. Your fiancé is still 100% accountable for his own actions, and not wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone who has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses is a perfectly legitimate reason to want out of a relationship.

If you want to build a life with this guy, that’s your choice. I’m not suggesting that you break up with him just because he’s been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but at the same time you shouldn’t put up with shitty behavior that negatively affects you.

It’s one thing to be understanding of your fiancé’s nature, but you are under no obligation to stick around if you think his impulse control issues are gonna lead to alcohol abuse and infidelity.

Oh, fuck. If I know I like men and women, how do I decide who to settle down with in the end?

I know this question is just an expression of your immaturity, but it annoys the shit out of me when people frame bisexuality as a false dilemma between genders. It’s not.

Go fall in love. Go get your heart broken, and then go do it again. Find out what it takes to be in a long-term relationship regardless of either of your genders. Learn about yourself. Figure out the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to live.

Go do all that shit, and when you’ve finally grown up a bit, when you’ve wrapped your head around the wonderfully messy and messed-up complexity of interpersonal relationships, when you’ve come to terms with how little control you actually have over your romantic destiny in the first place, maybe then you’ll realize how ridiculous it is to reduce major life decisions about potential life partners to something as ultimately inconsequential as “penis vs vagina.”