“If Omar Mateen doesn’t represent all Muslims, why does he represent all gun owners?”
…Thoughts?
This is a straw man fallacy built around a false equivalency. No one is suggesting he represents all gun owners, and no one is suggesting he represents all Muslims. (If you actually know folks who suggest either, you may safely ignore whatever else they have to say, because they’re fucking idiots.) The only group Mateen represents is the tiny population of men with the potential to commit suicide by mass shooting in a fit of their own self-loathing and narcissistic rage who have absolutely no business being able to legally purchase firearms of any kind, much less assault weapons with high-capacity magazines that have no legitimate purpose other than military combat.

I know you’ve spoken about owning a gun before, but forgive me for not getting it. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for it, especially when it’s someone as smart, politically and ethically sound as you.
There are plenty of legitimate reasons to own a firearm. Don’t be an absolutist about this kind of shit. It makes it harder for the rest of us to get public opinion and legislation moving in a direction towards effective gun control.

Coquette, how do you meet guys? I do not want a relationship but I’m missing the little crushes here and then. I´m not a party girl, so clubs are out of the question. Any tips? I’m a fairly attractive 25 years old female not having sex.
Lately? Bumble.

I tend to be attracted to older men. Why do the older men I choose keep turning out to be ones who claim to typically be attracted to older women?
Oh, honey. That’s just their way of letting you down easy.

Top sex tip for a young couple who’ve been together for 2.5 years and whose sex life is starting to wane?
Eye contact.

When is enough enough?
Right before it’s too much.

I want kids someday, but I don’t want to bring them into this shitty world. What would you do?
I dunno. Get pregnant in another dimension?

You’re Bill Maher’s secret love child aren’t you?
No, but I used to party with the strippers he fucked.

I don’t think I’m good enough for him.
With that attitude, neither will he.

Do you still smoke(habitually)?
Nope.

When the fuck will I know what the fuck I want to do with my life?
Maybe never. Get cozy with your chronic, low-grade existential crisis.

Is constantly wishing to be dead part of that “chronic low-grade existential crisis”, or is it depression?
Yeah, that’s depression. Nothing low-grade about it. Get help.

Is high functioning avoidant personality disorder a thing?
Not really. It’s common for individuals to display avoidant personality traits, but it doesn’t really rise to the level of disorder unless those traits cause significant functional impairment.

I might have the opportunity to participate in an ayahuasca ceremony, during a very transitional period in my life. Should I go for it?
Absolutely.

You’ve talked before about how your co-workers don’t know anything about your actual lifestyle. I just started my first job in a corporate setting and I’d like to divorce my work life from my personal life as much as possible (both to be professional, and because I don’t trust my co-workers). Should I just work harder at lying well, or do you have any other tips?
You shouldn’t have to lie. If you can’t keep your privacy with simple deflection and omission, then your co-workers are being nosey, and you should feel free to be rude.

is there any archive of your style blog? or any chance of a reboot? I’ve only been reading since last year and am kicking myself for not finding you sooner.
My old style blog posts are now just blended in with all my original blog posts. (Select “style” from the categories menu to see them.) I might occasionally post new style stuff. We’ll see.

Years ago you wrote some custom wedding vows. I’m very curious to know what you said.
Yeah, right here. They’ve been married for five years now. I even heard from them on their anniversary a while back.

I am sending my narcissistic mom a low/no contact letter today. I am standing up for myself. I am so scared. I want to cry and vomit at the same time. Send me good vibes, please. I don’t know why I’m sending this to you.
Good luck and good vibes. Sorry that your mom sucks. (It’s okay to cry and vomit.)

Why do I orgasm louder and deeper when I play with myself versus when I have sex?
Because you’re less self-conscious when nobody else is in the room.

It’s so weird…i really expected a post today.
Weird.

You say that all humans are inherently worthy, does that include rapists?
Yes, all humans — even rapists and murderers and Wall Street executives — everyone has inherent worth, simply by virtue of their humanity.

I’m a woman. Why do I lose respect for men whom I previously admired intellectually/professionally when they make a choice in women I feel is beneath them?
The way you’ve phrased this makes it an ugly manifestation of your internalized misogyny. It’s a round-about way of competitively hating on other women. Think long and hard about why you chose the words “beneath” and “admired.” They will lead you to the source of your problem.

Sexless marriage, 8.5 years. Can’t afford divorce. 2 kids. He won’t leave. We’re in counseling. I also added group therapy to the mix. It’s not working. I want out.
If you can’t afford lawyers and a divorce, then I’d recommend a mediator and a trial separation. Since he won’t leave, I recommend an in-house separation. (Yes, that’s a thing.) Have your mediator draft a separation agreement that specifies the new arrangement, which should include joint decisions about things like cohabitation, finances, parenting, and relationships outside the marriage. (For real, though. Get it it writing that you’re gonna see other men. It’s time for you to start getting laid again.)

My ex wants me to give back the gifts he gave me so he can sell them to purchase something for himself, as “he isn’t petty, but needs to start putting himself first.” Thoughts?
Keep the gifts on general principle. (Duh.) If you don’t want the gifts, donate them to charity. Whatever you do, don’t give them back to your ex. Set fire to them in the street before letting him take them back. While you’re at it, cut off all contact with him. He is garbage.

Why do I feel obligated to date a guy just because he likes me?
Because you have a gaping void where your self-worth is supposed to go, and the only way you’ve been taught to fill it is through external validation and compliance.

Has America gone insane enough that I can justify applying for jobs in other countries? I don’t like running away from a fight, but this country seems to be sinking fast.
You never need to justify thinking internationally. Take advantage of every opportunity the world has to offer.

If we don’t sin Jesus died for nothing.
I resent the implication that we owe any kind of moral debt to some fictionalized bronze-age cult leader.

Why does it turn me on to imagine myself watching my boyfriend have sex with another girl?
Because it’s hot.

What advice would you give to someone on the verge of turning 18?
Take control of your personal growth. Don’t get pregnant. Vote.

I’m contemplating practicing Zen Buddhism. As an atheist, I can’t help but wonder if this is problematic.
Stop contemplating practicing and start practicing contemplating. (Also, stop using the word problematic.)

I want to be exclusive. He wants to date me but also date other people. Is there any way to make this work?
Sure, as long as one of you is willing to not get what you want.

I know there is no answer to why we are here. And I’m cool with that. But then when I’m busting my ass at work I often think “why the fuck am I doing this?”
The paycheck, my friend. The paycheck.

Is marriage a patriarchal institution?
It’s the patriarchal institution.

My parents have more or less confirmed that they consider me a disappointment. I’m sad, but I also feel like this is a great opportunity. So, what now?
Fuck ’em. You’re allowed to be disappointed in them too.

Everyone with a “don’t rock the boat” mentality can go fuck themselves.
Okay, but some of us have beverages.

The biggest change I’ve noticed since deciding I wanted to live is that suddenly I’m terrified I’m going to die.
Good. That’s progress.

Oh coke. You’re the only person i can really be honest with. But in the past four years you’ve never answered one of my questions. I guess I know exactly why.
No you don’t. (Thanks for reading.)

How do I heal after being with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder for 8 years?
For starters, quit blaming your emotional condition on someone else’s personality disorder.

Why is it that the only time I feel motivated to change or improve myself is after running into my exes? And why does the feeling never last?
Your self-worth is tied to your romantic relationships, and running into exes is like being slapped in the face with your own inadequacies. The feeling doesn’t last because if you were ever going to have changed, you already would have.

In England (where i’m from) dear can mean expensive. I’ve been reading your title as ‘an expensive chirpse’.
That works too.

I did it. I finally did it. I’ve been reading you for six years, hoping for it, and I finally experienced ego death. Everything makes so much more sense now. I’m so happy. How do I keep this going?
It’s not something you keep going. It’s something that’s always there (or more accurately, not there.) Thing is, you can’t chase it. It has to return to you (or more accurately, not you.) I’d say you’ll see, but you won’t, because there is no you. There never was and there never will be. That’s kind of the whole point.

When you move do you pack and take all your books with you? We’re moving pretty far and we have a ton of books. Of course I want to take them all with us. I love seeing them on the shelves and being surrounded by books I liked even though I won’t read most of them a second time. But a lot of people are telling me moving them is stupid. What do you do?
Of course I take all my books. I’d leave furniture behind before I’d leave my books, but that’s me. I’m a book person. Sounds like you are too, and that’s great. Just be prepared for the additional labor and expense, even though it’s obviously worth it.

How do sugar babies pay their taxes?
The same as everyone else. They report whatever income is on their W-2s and 1099s, take whatever deductions they can, and call it a day. (Gifts aren’t considered income. Sugar relationships may be transactional, but technically sugar babies aren’t being paid for services rendered. They’re merely receiving gifts like any other girlfriend would from a boyfriend. It’s a fine line, but that’s the whole point of sugaring. Of course, certain arrangements may not stand up to IRS scrutiny, but then again, the IRS can fuck with anybody if they really want to.)

I have a significant amount of disposable income for the first time in my life (I’m 25 and have pretty much always been poor). My bills are paid, and I have a couple thousand in savings. I’m getting paid next week, and I still have $2000 in my bank. What should I blow it on first?
No. No, no, no. You do not have a significant amount of disposable income. Put the $2000 into your savings account. Pretend like you don’t have it. Trust me on this. You will thank me later.

I just wanted to let you know that I was laying in bed with a new guy who seems amazing in every possible way. He opened a new tab on his computer and, sure enough, Dear Coquette was one of the suggested sites. Seemed like a really, really great sign.
Fuck his brains out and tell him why.

Are you watching States of Undress on Viceland? I would say it is the closest tv show equivalent to the way your blog makes me feel. It’s absolutely superb, especially the episode about Palestine.
Love the show. Love Hailey. Honored by the comparison.

Coke, you are such a white feminist.
If my intersectionality isn’t up to your standards, feel free to offer constructive criticism in the comments section. Until then, you’re just another asshole who’s found a way to use the word feminist as a pejorative, and for that you can fuck right off.

In all seriousness, though. Did Jay Z cheat on Beyoncé?
In all seriousness, though. It ain’t none of my goddamn business.

Favorite word?
Fuck.

What is your purpose?
This.

What does it mean when someone says “you’ve taught me and helped me grow and you’re someone I’m never going to stop loving”…..in the midst of breaking up with you?
It means it was good, but now it’s over.

I’ve unexpectedly found myself with a small chunk of time, alone in Geneva. What should I do?
Open a numbered bank account and buy some chocolate.

Why do I squirm and make plans to self sabotage when someone tells me they are proud of me?
Fear and self-loathing.

When I’m drunk, I hate him. When I’m sober, I can’t live without him. It’s me, right? Or is it him?
It’s both of you, plus alcohol, minus emotional intelligence.

Is anyone not broken?
Generally speaking, people aren’t broken. We all break occasionally, but most of us also heal with time and effort.

My fucked up snap judgment of 98% of straight, monogamous couples is that the male is lazy and selfish and takes the relationship for granted and the female tries too hard and is kind of pathetic for having such low standards. Insightful or insane?
It’s an insight into your own cynical prejudice, and it speaks to your core beliefs about relationships and the social order. Spend some time challenging those beliefs. You’ll grow as a person.

How do I stop binge-eating? I can’t seem to keep it under control.
People tend to jump my shit if I give anything that smells like medical advice, but you might wanna look into a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and naltrexone. (Or if you want the deluxe version, a combination of dialectical behavior therapy and Contrave.) Of course, this is totally one of those “ask your doctor” questions, so find a fucking doctor and ask her.

What mixes well with sambuca besides tonic water and coffee?
The Pikey has a cocktail made of muddled mint and lemon, two or three parts Jack Daniels, and one part Ramazzotti Sambuca shaken on the rocks. They call it the Prince Albert, and it’s basically a Bourbon Smash with sambuca instead of simple syrup. It’s fucking delicious, not too sweet, and I highly recommend it.

My mom says there’s some american indian in our blood somewhere back in the ozarks. Can I wear a headdress?
No. (And don’t tell people that. You sound like an asshole.)

I hate to spam you but I figure one day you might see this question… how do I know if being a good friend is telling the truth or keeping my mouth shut?
The quickest way is to applying the golden rule. If the roles were reversed, which would you rather your friend do for you?

Where are you? I must not be the only one getting used to daily updates. I already miss you.
Las Vegas, Hong Kong, Bali. Take your pick.

Coke, I’m dying to hear your thoughts on the Panama Papers.
I can’t wait to see who gets assassinated first.

How do you deal with the psychopaths in you life?
I cut them out. (And yes, that includes family members.)

I think I might actually be a bad person. What now?
Don’t act like one.

We dated for three years. We were engaged. I ended it. He got a new girlfriend in a matter of weeks and is still with her months later. Was he a psychopath? How is that emotionally possible?
You may have ended it, but he was done a long time ago. (Don’t act so surprised. That’s why you ended it in the first place.)

My boyfriend refuses to delete his okcupid account. Why does this bother me?
Because he’s going to need it again one day.

I’m haunted by my abortion. I’ve rationalized it. I’ve forgiven myself. I can’t shake the sadness. Help me.
The rationalization is for your intellect. The forgiveness is for your conscience, but the sadness — the sadness is for your heart. You’ll shake it, but in the meantime know that it serves a purpose. You’re not haunted. You’re grieving, and it’s a process. Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

The only times I feel relief and happiness are when I have a plan to kill myself.
Yeah. That’s a thing that happens. The good news is you’re still capable of feeling relief and happiness. With some help, you could feel that way without being suicidal. You gotta get some help, though. Don’t keep doing this shit on your own. Please.

Are you a pro-porn or anti-porn feminist?
Of course I’m pro-porn. Hell, I’m pro-drug too. (Come on. Just because I point out that something is addictive it doesn’t mean I’m against it.)

But can you have a healthy relationship with porn?
Of course you can.

Is it possible to walk away from your ego? Just realize that it’s a lie and let it go? Just like that.
Yep. Best way to do it, actually.

If a person has to have at least one vice, which is the best to have?
Faithlessness.

I finally watched some Broad City today. It irritates me that young women must be crass in order to be humorous. Who are the truly feminine feminist young women?
Fuck you, that’s who.

Okay, this is a legitimate question. Is it arrogant to think that if a random guy talks to you, he’s hitting on you? It’s not an experience I’ve had often but I’m always suspicious when it happens. I’m generally suspicious of people’s motivations anyway, and I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask and get an honest answer.
Close, but you’re using the wrong word. It’s not arrogant. It’s presumptuous.

I’m 23. Do I have time?
Maybe. Maybe not. You could die tomorrow or live another hundred years. Whatever ends up happening, 23 is a great age in which to chill the fuck out and just enjoy the present moment. Stop looking at the clock and go have some fun.

Does he miss me?
Nope. (For what it’s worth, he jerks off to you occasionally.)

The bitches in my sorority called the cops on us for doing whip-its in the back yard. What should I do?
They’re snitches. You should end them. Since I doubt you know how to make their deaths look like a suicide, it’s probably best just to get them kicked out of your sorority.

Why is it so hard to stop watching porn?
Compulsive sexual behaviors can be just as addictive as chemicals. Porn is a drug, dude. Act accordingly.

I kinda love reading your older stuff from 2009. Seem to have had a lot of super serious submissions lately.
People ask me super serious questions now. Deal with it.

Your book recommendations have helped me to learn so much more about the world. Thank you for posting them. I came across a recommendation on your style blog once, The Ethical Slut, do you still suggest your readers take a look at that book?
Not really. The Ethical Slut is an important document, but it’s from the 90s, so its politics and point of view will seem stale to new readers. These days, I prefer to start people with Opening Up.

Your blog must get lots of page views. Why don’t you monetize it? Throw some ads on the site, make some cash.
Ew, gross.

I was raped when I was 15. I’m now 18 and still not over it.
Of course you’re not over it. That’s perfectly normal. Also, you don’t ever have to be over it. Don’t ever feel obligated to heal at someone else’s pace.

I need to stop falling in love with the guys I sleep with. Is the solution to stop cuddling with them?
It’s not the cuddling. You’re just a crush junkie. The solution is to recognize that about yourself and stop getting high off the butterflies.

I can’t stop submitting questions to you, even though I realize my problems don’t matter.
That’s okay. My answers don’t matter either.

Please tell me who I am before I die from not knowing.
You’re a person who’s desperate for an identity.

Any advice on entering the art world with a fresh MFA?
Don’t tell people about your MFA.

every time i hear someone say sex is no big deal i cringe. yeah, it can be no big deal on some level with some random, but at the end of the day it really is a big deal, it should be.
It’s not that it should be. It’s that it only matters when it is. (This applies to anything that makes life worth living.)

I was sexually abused as a child. I thought I would learn to cope with it as I got older. I’m 23 now and still not okay. Give me the push I need to go talk to a counselor.
You’ve been coping all along. Now it’s time to heal. You’re ready. Go talk to a counselor.

how do you choose new books to read? word of mouth? bestseller lists? i want to be more well-read. also, will you always finish a book/movie once you’ve started, or do you walk away if it’s not holding your interest?
I don’t choose books to read. They choose me. They’re like people that way. They come into my life somehow and either flash by or stick around, and of course, I will always walk away if they don’t hold my interest.

Do you delete all the messages you never get to?
Fuck no. I have a massive archive of every single submission you all have ever sent me. It’s kind of awesome.