I usually agree with you on your relationship advice, and I’m a longtime fan, but I’ve never written in asking for advice before. My boyfriend likes you, too, so we decided it would be a good idea to ask your opinion about our argument.
So here’s the argument: my boyfriend came here for the weekend and he knew his friends would have a party while he was gone. He locked his room, but he was pretty sure his friends would break in and sleep/fuck on his bed even though he made it clear that that’s not what he wanted, so he put some items on the bed to see if they’d get thrown off and took the pillows off his bed because he didn’t want anybody who broke in to be comfortable.
I said that that behavior concerned me because it seemed immature and petty. He said that it was the only way to see if they slept there or not so he could address the problem directly with his friends (which he did, upon finding out that they broke in). I understand why he did it, but I am still concerned that that’s the way he handles his relationships. He understands why I’m concerned but still thinks that his behavior was justified.
Your boyfriend’s behavior was obviously justified, and I wouldn’t call it immature so much as it was a reaction to immaturity.
His friends are a bunch of dicks. He knew they wouldn’t respect his boundaries (which he clearly established), so in order to enforce those boundaries, he had to set an integrity trap that he could later use as evidence to prove that his friends were, in fact, a bunch of dicks.
Honestly, I don’t understand why this is a source of conflict between the two of you. There’s nothing inherently immature or petty about having to use an integrity trap in a situation like this. It seems to me like your boyfriend was just planning ahead for the inevitable violation.
The underlying problem (and the shit that’s gonna get old really fast) is the fact that your boyfriend hangs out with a bunch of dicks. That level of disrespect from people he calls friends is a serious red flag.
I sure as fuck wouldn’t tolerate it.