Welcome back. Since the last time I wrote you, I started (and finished) grad school, dumped an abusive alcoholic, pursued a long-time passion that I always wanted to try but never thought I could do and I already love it, and met a few new ‘someone’s’. The current boyfriend is very kind, emotionally available, treats me extremely well, and is very communicative about feelings. He’s happy to be in this relationship and makes that clear every day. The problem? He is 7 years older than me with zero financial stability (no debts, just barely any savings and using unemployment to make a lot of impulse-buys), he has the beginnings of health problems from years of reckless living, and while I’m positive I want to do the whole kid-thing someday, he’s only just started to consider it but is definitely not 100%. We’ve had a solid past 4 months, but I’m afraid of that cost-sunk-fallacy thing setting in before long. Is the good worth the bad? I am well aware that people only change if they want to and bad/old habits are hard to break. He’s a good person and a good boyfriend which I admittedly haven’t experienced in a long time. I guess my question is… what do you think?
It depends on whether you’re closer to 25 or 35. That ten year window changes my answer completely. If you’re closer to 25, then he’s closer to 32, and you can afford to chill out in a halfway decent relationship for a couple of years just to see where it goes. (I’m not recommending that you do this, but I understand the appeal of comfortably treading water while you wait to see if he grows up.)
If you’re closer to 35, then he’s closer to 42, and if becoming a mother is your priority, then you know damn well it’s time to do the hard thing and end a halfway decent relationship for the sake of your larger life goals. Please do not try and make a father out of an unemployed middle-aged man with zero financial stability and potential health problems. Even if you don’t think you deserve better, I assure you, your future children do.
4 thoughts on “On a hard decision”
I CANNOT HANDLE ANOTHER QUESTION BY A WOMAN WHO HAS NO STANDARDS FOR THE GUY SHE IS SEEING. IT’S GREAT THAT HE TREATS HER WELL AND IS COMMUNICATIVE AND HAPPY TO BE WITH HER, BUT THAT IS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR ANY ADULT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. AHHHHHH!!!!!
I WANNA SAY SOMETHING ELSE WHICH IS THAT, LIKE, NO ONE BENEFITS FROM THE BAR BEING SO LOW. NO ONE. YOU CERTAINLY DON’T AND IT JUST ENABLES A LOT OF MEDIOCRE ASSHOLES AND FRANKLY YOU JUST LOOK STUPID.
IT SUCKS THAT SO MANY WOMEN ARE TAUGHT TO DEVALUE THEMSELVES BUT YOU HAVE TO FUCKING UNLEARN IT.
Yes, but that bare minimum is so so very rare. I’m 40 and divorced and have had one relationship where the guy met that bare minimum.
I think the point is though that it’s better to be single than in any of your other relationships than the one. And it is.