On bible camp

My parents are forcing me to go to bible camp for three days. I’m not religious at all. How can I make it more fun for me, if you know what I mean? Sex, drugs, and electronica are all welcome. I’m 15.

You’ve got the right idea. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Hell, I remember bible camp. Fucking loved it. Those things are usually run by sappy, credulous neo-hippie Jesus freaks. They’re relatively harmless and easy to fool. As long as you don’t do any property damage, you can get away with bloody murder.

Don’t worry. It won’t be hard to find a core group of like-minded campers and raise a little hell. At meal time when everyone else bows their heads in prayer, keep your eyes open. Look around. See all those other kids stealing sideways glances? Those are the fun ones. If anybody brought weed, you can guarantee it’s one of them.

Ignore all the bible banging. Seriously, just tune it out. They can insist that you show up for church, but you don’t have to sing the hymns. It’s perfectly okay to be a conscientious objector. Be polite, but be firm. Don’t ever let them make you do or say something that violates your spiritual or intellectual integrity.

Walk around with a copy of Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. It’ll be your antidote to all the crazy christian nonsense. Give it away to someone on your last day.

Other than that, just have fun. Swim in a lake, roast a marshmallow, and make out with somebody. Whatever you do, don’t take any of it seriously. It’s just fucking camp.


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