On children of the corn.

I live in this shitty rust belt town with a population not very different from my college dorm.  Every few days, I go to town for the essentials like food, water, and vodka.  Unfortunately, it seems like you can’t go to town anymore without some stupid little urchins heckling you or something.

The older ones I don’t mind as much.  Teenagers are insecure little cretins and as bad ass as they think they are, I can pretty quickly break them down.  Plus, since they should know not to harass strangers at 15, I don’t feel guilty for verbally destroying their psyches.

But what I don’t know how to handle are the kids.  The 9 or 10 year olds.  I mean, is it OK to tell some kid on a scooter eating a DumDum to fuck off if he starts yelling shit like “Hey lady, who wears high-heels? Are you a prostitute?”  Can I run them over?  Take the scooter?

I’m just tired of my cigarette runs being marred by little ankle-biter redneck-spawn, and I’d appreciate your take on the etiquette of this situation.

Nine years old, eh? Fucking gremlins. It’s best not to run them over. They just bounce right off, and all you’ve done is scratched up your bumper. However, feel free to scream whatever evil shit is in the darkest part of your soul.

I’d probably have gone with, “Hey kid, a prostitute is a woman who fucks for money. You know, like that skanky whore you call a mother.”

Or perhaps, “Your dad paid for these high heels with your fucking lunch money. Oh wait, do you even have a dad?”

Also, your town sounds horrible. You should move. Seriously. Get the fuck out before your life becomes a shitty Springsteen B-side.


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