Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

I’ve got the house, the wife and the money, so why am I not happy?
Yeah well, I’ve got cheddar cheese, a pumpkin, and some carrots, so why am I not the color orange? (And for those of you in New Jersey, I’m not suggesting that self tanner is the key to happiness.)

Are you as cool in real life as you are on your blog?
There is no way to answer this question without sounding like a giant douche.

I just know this has been asked the umpteenth time, but what kind of music do you listen to, if you have the time to anyway?
You know I have a personal blog, right? Here’s all the music I’ve posted.

Sometimes I think if I werent such an independent woman, maybe Id have a boyfriend once in a while…
Sometimes I wish I could spray my inbox with weed killer designed specifically for shitty voiceover from “Sex and the City.”

Is 28 too late to start over again? I mean to really start building everything (love, friends, acquaintances, income source, creative production, academia) from scratch?
It’s never too late, and it’s never from scratch.

Is it wrong to use drugs to fill emotional voids?
Wrong is a moral judgement. If you want one of those, I’d need more context. I will say that using drugs to fill an emotional void usually leads to negative consequences. Do with that what you will.

Do you think that teenagers fall in love or they just believe they do?

What do you take personally?
My person.

You’re such a self righteous bitch.

Do you have any friends? If so, do you pay them? I mean, you’re such a bitch how does anybody actually want to be around you?
I love my haters so fucking much. Oh, I just want to hug them and squeeze them like a basket full of puppies. You have no idea.

How can you swallow without gagging if you are sober and it is your first time?
Are we talking about sushi or cum? Seriously, what’s the big deal here?

Who would win in a fight? You or Dan Savage?
No, no. This is Hollywood, babe. Never fuck with the gay mafia.

Celebrity girl crush?
Olivia Wilde.

If you could change only 3 things about current government/policies, what would you change?
I’d replace the military-industrial complex with a civil-industrial complex as a stopgap for our crumbling infrastructure, I’d replace the prison-industrial complex with a beefed-up educational-industrial complex, and I would summarily end the legacy of state funded concept wars, including the wars on drugs, terror, poverty, crime, etc.

Did you ever make up questions just to give an answer, in the beginning of your blog? To get it going and to get people comfortable writing in?
Not that swearing on a stack of bibles would mean shit, but if my word means anything to you, I’m here to give it. I have never made up a single one of these ridiculous questions. My process is the only pure thing about me.

Why do you call it the hall of anti-fame instead of the hall of infamy?
So people like you would pause for a moment and reflect on the importance of such a distinction in this voyeuristic, fame obsessed, and digitally hyper-intrusive culture. Yeah, that’s right. I got recurring literary motifs up in this bitch.

You know, sometimes I just want to throw on Angels & Airwaves or 30 Seconds to Mars and rock the fuck out.  Is there anything wrong with enjoying cheesy-ass music from time to time?
We’ve all got guilty pleasures, babe. Fuck it. I know it’s bubblegum flavored shit, but to this day, I can’t help myself from singing along to the chorus of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.”


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