Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

My best friend is dating my crush. How do I deal with it?
Un-crush, or disaster will follow.

How can you tell the difference between bad timing and a jerk?

If it’s obvious to you that it’s bad timing, then that’s probably what it is. If he’s trying to convince you that it’s bad timing, then he’s probably a jerk.

What’s your opinion on Rihanna collaborating with Chris Brown?

Just gonna stand there and watch her burn. That’s all right, because she likes the way it hurts.

I cried at work yesterday. Now I feel like a pansy. Help?

No one cares. Get over yourself.

What if everybody could have sex with anyone at any given time? What do you think would happen?

You still wouldn’t get laid.

Coquette, have you reached Samādhi?

No, but I love Indian food.

What do you think about Obamacare?

I think it’s a reductive ad hominem label for complex health care legislation. It’s just branding that encourages idiots to reflexively polarize on what should otherwise be a complicated sociopolitical debate.

What’s the difference between being lovers and being “friends with benefits?”

One is a tragedy that makes you laugh. The other is a comedy that makes you cry.

Why do the Catholic bishops and Rick Santorum hate (or fear) sex so much?

They don’t hate or fear sex. They merely want to control sex, and what they hate and fear is anything that threatens that control, because without it, the patriarchy crumbles.

If a member of the opposite sex with whom you’re kind of friends asks you to go with him to a party, how can you know whether it’s a date or just two people attending a thing together because they’re kind of friends?

You do realize that you’re the one who gets to decide whether it’s a date, right? Yep, it’s completely up to you. (Relax, you can change your mind at any point throughout the evening.)

Should I use all my savings on heading to Antibes to try get a job on a super yacht, or should I stay in Melbourne, develop my professional career and explore new love with someone even my cynical, feminist mother thinks is worth putting my travel plans on hold for? WWCQD?

It depends. If you’re 20 years old with $2,000 in savings, go to Antibes. If you’re 30 years old with $20,000 in savings, stay in Melbourne. If you’re 25 years old with $10,000 in savings, flip a coin.

I keep dating men who are emotionally unavailable. Why do I keep doing this? What can I do to stop this cycle?

This is not a cycle. This is just a pattern of behavior. Your behavior. You are the common thread in all your relationships. I don’t know why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men, but if you really wanted to stop doing it, you would stop. Yes, it’s that simple.


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