Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized coquette advice

Dear Coquette,

What’s the most important quality in a relationship?
Mutual respect.

What is the future of the Egypt/Israel peace?

Same as it ever was.

Will I get married?

Sweetheart, I’m an advice columnist, not a Magic Eight Ball.

What happens financially in 2013?

Really? Ugh. “Reply hazy, try again.”

Your an idiot!

Well, at least I know the difference between you’re and your.

Do I save or spend?

I know you’re being a good little consumer, but those aren’t your only two options.

The tone of your advice is harsh and your column runs long.

If your sensibilities are that delicate and your attention span that stunted, perhaps you should go read Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter.

I wonder why humans don’t lay eggs? If they did, would this change fashion and design?

Of course it would. Tampax would sell egg cartons. Now pass me that joint you’re smoking.

My wife says my shoes need to be put away. Do I have to do this?

What are you, twelve? Go ahead and substitute the word “mommy” for the word “wife” in this ridiculous question. Notice how the tone didn’t change? Grow up, dude.

I will pray that one day you come down from your throne and realize how little you know about life and start believing in God before you are on your death bed. I would hate to see anyone end up in hell.

I’m pretty sure that passive-aggressive threats about my eternal damnation don’t count as prayers, but hey, who knows?

It takes as much faith to believe there is no God as it takes to believe in one.

No it doesn’t. You’re the one asserting God’s existence without any evidence. Dismissing an assertion made without evidence isn’t an act of faith. It’s an act of reason.

Do you think that sodomy is acceptable as an act of love between consenting adults?

Hell yes, it’s acceptable. Sodomy doesn’t have to be an act of love, either. As long as it’s between two consenting adults, it might as well be an act of bravery, an act of business or just an act of mild amusement.

What happened to being gracious and polite in American society? I don’t understand people’s thinking. Or, what’s worse, society’s “whatever” attitude towards rudeness. Any clue, can you enlighten us?

I don’t accept your persnickety premise that Americans are less gracious and polite than they used to be. This kind of sentiment reeks of wistful confusion and a sense of entitlement. Sorry, but I won’t be coddling your type here. Go ahead and write your angry letters. I love ’em.

Why should anyone listen to you?

I’ve got nothing to prove, and I piss off all the right people.

Who are you?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.


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