Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice.

What the hell do you do to be able to wear a five-thousand dollar watch?
Scrimp and save and never pay retail.

Do I message a guy I found on OK Cupid when I joined just for laughs?
Sure. Then date, fall in love, and get married. You know, just for laughs.

Who’s more your cup o’ tea: Conan or Colbert?
Colbert. I’ll take satire over farce any day of the week.

What do you think of Chelsea Handler?
I have a lot of respect for her game, but her current show is pretty unwatchable.

You don’t like Sandra Bullock?
Her movies are a shit stain on the fabric of our culture, but I don’t have anything against her personally.

Why do you think female drug dealers are less common than their male counterparts?
Plenty of bitches are in the game, but hey, the cartels don’t offer maternity leave.

How does one make balding sexy?
Balding isn’t sexy. Being bald can be if you’re black or Bruce Willis.

How do you feel about strippers?
Give me a dollar and I’ll tell you.

How does a woman masturbate? Its a question I’ve wanted the answer to for a long time, and I don’t know anyone I trust enough to give me an honest serious answer.
A woman masturbates with her vagina. Now go finish your homework.

What do you think of “the N word” being edited out of Huckleberry Finn?
The word is nigger. You can’t even type it? Fucking pussy.

Did you see Sophia Coppola’s Somewhere?
Fuck no. Why would I sit through that movie when I can have spoiled little rich girls bore me with their daddy issues at the Chateau Marmont any night of the week?


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