On noisy neighbors

I recently moved into a new condo in a new city. My neighbours have EXTREMELY loud sex. Well, it’s mainly her faking it but anyway… The walls are paper-thin. Their sessions are ruining my sleep. I swear next time I see her I will pull her into my apartment and fuck her so that she screams for real and not the monotonous ‘ooh ooh ooh OOOOOOOH’ routine she’s got going on. Please, CokeTalk help me. Any advice is appreciated!

Well, the kind of people who wear pajama sets to bed usually do one of two things. They either pop in some ear plugs as they grumble themselves to sleep, or they go big and slide a passive-aggressive note under their neighbor’s door.

I think you’re looking for something with a bit more flair.

First things first. Next time you see your neighbor you should pull her aside, look her in the eye, and very politely say, “our walls are paper thin. Your noisy fuck sessions are ruining my sleep. For my sake and yours, please keep it down.”

Nothing beats being straightforward.

Now, if she shuts up, cool. That’s it. You’re done. Odds are though, she’s not gonna stop. Bitches like that are just gonna give it to you louder out of spite.

This is when you get yourself a microphone. Any old studio mic from Best Buy should do, but if you decide you want professional quality sound, find a place that will rent you a good surface microphone for a week. Hey, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Next time she has a noisy fuck session, you have yourself a little recording session. What was once annoying will now be fun, and you’ll be doing your best not to laugh out loud and ruin the audio.

Once you’ve gotten at least three or four of her greatest hits, create a new YouTube account. Make little movies with each of the recordings.

Add a title card to each track that reads something like, “I asked my neighbor very politely not to fuck so loudly, but she doesn’t seem to mind that she’s keeping me awake with what sound like very fake orgasms. I hope maybe when she hears this on the internet, she’ll understand just how paper-thin our walls are, and then maybe she will shut the fuck up.”

Once you’ve posted your movies, write down the address of the YouTube account on a piece of paper and slide it under her door.

Beats a passive-aggressive note any day of the week.


3 thoughts on “On noisy neighbors

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    • MD says:

      Alright, recording her & putting it on the internet is straight up sexual harassment. Just bang on the wall when you hear them& say “could you please keep it down next time?” When you see her in the hallway.

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