On not having to cum

I’m a nineteen year-old girl. I’m in a great relationship with an incredible guy, and though we’ve had a couple rough patches, overall everything is great. And the sex is great.

But there is one problem – I’ve been masturbating since I was pretty young (four or five), and I think as a result of this, I can never come during sex, or any other sexual act. Don’t get me wrong, everything we do in bed (or wherever else it is we are) feels great, and we’re mutually attracted to each other on various levels (physically, psychologically, in terms of respect, and in terms of little personality quips, etc., etc.), but nothing he does to me can make me orgasm. Usually we have sex, he comes, then I make myself orgasm.

I know you’re not in the medical field, but is there any advice you can impart unto my situation? Should I just cut out the masturbating so I can “train” my vagina to orgasm in other ways? I’ve also read (from you, actually, hah) that some women are anatomically incapable of orgasming via sex before they’re twenty or so. Could this be the case with me?

I’d appreciate anything you can offer up.

Wait, no. I think you’re a little confused about what I said. I was quoting Dr. Drew, and he didn’t say anatomically. He said physiologically. There is a huge distinction between those two terms.

Also, I was referring to women who had never had an orgasm. This does not apply to you, as apparently you’ve been diddling yourself since kindergarten.

As for your current situation, I think it’s probably a waste of time to “train” your vagina with negative reinforcement techniques like it’s a dog that won’t pee outside. I’m not saying I’m a pussy whisperer, but that’s not how it works.

Furthermore, the fact that you’ve yet to cum during sex has nothing to do with when you started flicking your bean. There is no causal link between your long masturbatory track record and your current inability to have orgasms during sex.

I’ve said it before, but quit feeling responsible for each other’s orgasms. When you say things like, “nothing he does to me can make me orgasm,” I want to throw my hands up and scream, “duh!” Only you can make yourself orgasm. It’s a mental state that only you control. He can’t get you there. That’s your job.

Just take a step back. Sex is not all about the orgasm. Stop focusing on it so much. Make him stop focusing on it so much.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your problem isn’t a problem. Quit making it one and just enjoy yourself.


2 thoughts on “On not having to cum

  1. Everydaybehaviorism says:

    This isn’t entirely relevant, but maybe it is some. Negative reinforcement is the removal of an aversive stimulus following a particular behavior. The behavioral mechanism that seems to be at play in this scenario is an overly selective response to cues present in masturbation in the form of arousal and eventual orgasm following their presentation. The problem is that cues present in sex with a partner haven’t acquired that quality yet.

    One strategy would be to edge up to the level of arousal close to orgasm before making a go for it. Assuming it did work for her, there would be an advantageous classical pairing happening, as well as an operant conditioning event with the behavior of sex consequencing an orgasm. It’s a sort of a “transfer of control” procedure, transferring the ability of one environment or set of cues to elicit the same behavior in another context.

  2. Karen in Montreal says:

    Don’t forget that a LOT of women don’t orgasm through vaginal intercourse!!! Too many people think that’s supposed to happen for everybody, but it just won’t for MANY women, and rarely for others (exact right position, right time in your cycle, feeling relaxed ….) So get your own fingers involved, get his involved, get a vibrator involved, do this before, during or after intercourse. DIRECT clitoral stimulation! And for a woman to orgasm through receiving oral sex, there often has to be a lot of direction-giving going on the first few times. He can’t guess what you’re feeling and what will make that feeling grow to explosion point ….

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