Best-Of Advice

On one night stands

i’m in college, i got blackout drunk and fucked this really adorable guy last night and he left his socks here. what do i do about that shit. in general, what are the rules on one night stands? sounds ridiculous, may still be a bit drunk, but i think you get it.


First things first. It’s Sunday morning. Go have a Bloody Mary.

Now, as for the socks, throw ‘em in your dirty laundy. Wash them. Start your collection. I guarantee by the time you graduate you will have a respectable number of t-shirts, boxer-briefs, socks, and of course the occasional hat, piece of jewelry, or other interesting shred of evidence.

Over the years, I’ve filled an entire drawer just with the random stuff I’ve found on mornings after. I’ll spare you the full inventory, but highlights include a full clip of 9mm ammunition, a pink double-sided dildo, and a La Perla thong that belongs to one of the current stars on the Disney Channel (and no, those items are not from the same night.)

As for proper one night stand etiquette, if your adorable guy wants his socks back, it’s his responsibility to ask. Most guys consider small items of clothing to be an acceptable loss, especially if they got laid.

Any item above a t-shirt — a hat, jacket, or scarf — may have been a deliberate leave-behind as an excuse to call you the next day. Don’t get your hopes up with socks, though.

Feel free to keep the collection in rotation. Future one night stands might need a spare t-shirt or pair of socks — trust me, it happens. When they do, let ‘em choose from your collection.

In general, though, one night stands are best left to just one night. There aren’t any hard and fast rules other than being respectful the morning after. That’s all you owe each other. Respect.

You don’t owe him a morning quickie or your phone number. He doesn’t owe you breakfast or a phone call. The fewer the expectations, the less awkward the morning will be.

How’s that Bloody Mary tasting? I think it’s time for me to go have one now.



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